Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Obsolete Redundancy Program

Yup... That just popped into my head, about the same time as the word "purposelessness", as I struggled in the middle of the freaking day trying to stay awake... to keep my eyes open at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. There is something amiss or amok or out of alignment in this realm, and I am here spinning whilst standing still. In a moment of foggy clarity I realized I AM the ultimate Obsolete Redundancy Program.

Last year whilst trying to come to terms with the big nothing of everything, I came to realize that what I sought was some sort of validation for my life.... to confirm the reason for my being. Why? I don’t know. I am what I am. I accept how I am. I accept who I am. I know the things that I can change. I know the things that I cannot. Do I regret anything I had done in the past? No. Do I regret anything I hadn’t done? No. Why then would I question my very existence? What do I regret? I came to the conclusion very recently that I regret not wanting anything more out of life. That I was content to have a job and that was it. Perhaps not content, perhaps just accepting of how things were and not thinking of how things could be. My whole identity as a person revolved around that job and when that part of my life ended, there was no "life" remaining.  It wasn't even a matter of "picking up the pieces". There was just nothing... except me.

But... that was easy to deal with. To simply pick myself up was simple. It was the next fall that caused some serious problems.  Where did I find myself during this three year journey? Flirting with the Dark SideLost, Broken, Waiting, facing the Pointy End of the Sword, and pondering the Interrelated Structure of Reality.

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