Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Sappy crap...

Was in need of something light and fluffy, so I did a bunch of silly quizzes  and figured I would lump them together as a sappy crap post... 

You Are A Mint Chocolate Chip

Ice Cream Girl

Creative. Expressive. Unique.


You Are a Light Pink Rose

The result had a high spew factor so
I'm not sharing it. 

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from The Princess Bride

"This is true love - you think this happens every day?"


Seven days prior, this Rhodo looked like this.


Whenever I see these trees as I'm walking home, the word that comes to mind is "leaning". Tonight I just want to say how immeasurable a thing it is to have someone in your life to lean on.

I took a photo of these same trees one fine evening  last year. 

Monday, May 30, 2011

Faith or Belief...

Executed May 30, 1431

I was at a friend's antique shop several years ago and started looking through a box of old postcards. In that little box, I found a handful of black and white ones from France, a country that for some reason I have always had a fondness for. There were a couple street scenes from early 1900s Paris, a few of Jeanne D'Arc and a couple more from a country estate in Rouen, if I remember correctly. At some point I decided to make enlarged copies of some of the postcards, from which I took the above photo.  I think even as a kid I was intrigued by the story of Joan of Arc, and still am today.

I have been wanting to post this image for a while, but couldn't quite find enough reason to do so, until a little nudge reminded me that something in the month of May pertained to her life. So.. yes... of course when I checked, it was her death that occurred in May. But tonight as I was thinking about her life and her death, the word "Faith" came to mind. Then.. the question... did she die for her Faith or her Belief? I'm sure there have been many before me who have pondered this very question and who have written about it at great length, but to me, that is neither here nor there at this point. I sat here staring at this, and after surprisingly short deliberation, I came to the conclusion that the answer was slightly more complex than the question. She lived and died for her Faith, but she was executed for her Belief. Something to think about.

The meaning of Faith is something that I have pondered yet not pursued in writing to any great extent, but this may well end up being the little nudge I needed to do so.  If only my thought processes would return to somewhere even remotely close to fully functional, I might be able to proceed.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

... and the garden grows...

Lilacs from the backyard.

Little nothings...

Thinking about so many little nothings tonight.

Another goodbye...

Death is a funny thing. You live and then you die. Death is final. I knew this as a kid. Something is in your life and then it is gone. End of story. Was there emotion attached to Death? Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps it was because there was no attachment to the life that died, I do not know. Funny, as I was writing this, considering my apparent lack of memory, I started thinking about Death in my life, and a bunch of actual memories came to mind, all at once. Interesting. Suffice it to say some people died and I remember some of those moments in time but not all of them. At one point, Death became personal and with it came a sense of sadness because I lost something that I was attached to. I dealt with that overwhelming sadness rather perfunctorily and moved on. After that, Death became simply Death again, but with it came the understanding of empathy, wherein I felt a deeper sadness for someone else's loss, not for a loss of my own.  In the last few weeks, I knew Death was coming once again... I just didn't know when. When I got the call from her daughter, it hit me a little harder for some reason. It bugged the hell out of me that I hadn't gone to see her in the hospital before she died. She wasn't someone that I had known all my life or with whom I was close to, but had come to think of as a mom-like mentor figure. Visits and chats at her Antiques shop in the past several years became part of my life. When I lost my long-standing job and was in the process of making a huge decision of starting my own business, her words were simply "Just do it." I realize now that another reason her Death hits a bit harder is because she was such an "alive" person and personality.

I found out on Thursday that the service was today. I knew I was going. I was running late. I was hot. I was walking briskly, getting hotter with each step. What came to mind was the  70 year old spunky gray haired little ball of fire in her jeans and running shoes, walking everywhere.  I climbed the steps into the church hall and made it to the top just as the service was starting. I already knew that I wouldn't be sitting, so I found my niche just outside the doorway. I remember the last time I was at this church was for her husband's funeral two years ago. I remember when I climbed the steps that time, she was at the top and I handed her a Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar because I knew it was one she liked and that she probably hadn't eaten much of anything that day. Today, as last time, the service was casual, which is probably what she had asked for. She was a regular church-going lady, so the service was also full of personal touches. From it, I learned that we had a lot more in common than I knew of. Speaking of things in common, I remember one of our conversations about kids a few years back. She had kids and grandkids and a great-granddaughter who she talked about, but she had mentioned that she didn't really like having kids "around"... I knew what she meant. Funny thing today... a woman had come into the church about a half hour after me, a young girl of two or three with her. That little girl walked around talking to herself and eventually ended up crawling around my feet, under the table and around again, at will. I smiled to myself because it reminded me of that conversation.

She had married at 18 and the two of them were together  for over fifty years, separated only by her husband's Death. I like to think that they are with each other again.

She had asked for one parrticular song to be played three times at her service. For some reason, I am certain that they only played it twice. Anyways, I had heard the song before , but did not know until today who wrote and sang it originally , nor did I know that there were so many versions out there.   I think this one  is my favourite.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Why am I still awake?

Because ...
I'm ...

Friday, May 27, 2011

Purple Cotton Candy


First time in a long while that I have been able to smell the scent of the Lilacs. We've had a little sun, a lot of clouds, some rain and a fair bit of wind, which mixture combined one day this week such that the scent from one of the Lilac bushes next door came wafting over me with the wind for one fleeting moment.

The sunlight in the first picture seemed to illuminate the flowers and all I could think of was "this is what cotton candy would look like if it was purple."


Movie Review:

Big Sister lent me the movie "Tangled" the other day, and I finally got around to watching it. I "did" want to see this one, but I should have been forewarned. I had only seen one trailer, and from that I knew it was a new version of the classic "Rapunzel" tale, which I do remember reading as a kid. The part I liked in the trailer was the rather comedic bit with the horse, that reminded me of Prince Philip's horse in the Disney classic "Sleeping Beauty". The drawing of the characters and animation wasn't that great, but all in all, this would have been a pretty good movie... if it wasn't for ... the... singing.  I wasn't prepared for that, so it threw me off. I'm just not a fan... of those movies, animated or not, where anyone or any creature bursts into song, and/or dance. Notwithstanding the singing and dancing bits, there were some touching moments. I ended up getting a little sappy and teary eyed a couple times, for instance in the scene when the slightly aging King shows his emotion as he misses his daughter, and with some of the dialogue between Rapunzel and the thief / saviour / love interest guy. (I can't remember his name now.)  Hmm.... The evil "mother knows best" woman seems somehow somewhat familiar.

Oh... and in one of the major scenes, the lanterns floating up into the sky reminded me of those coloured mini-marshmallows all lit up and glowing.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Quiet One...

I have been at a loss for words as of late. My mind seems to have gone limp and I have found myself once again feeling nothing. As the wind raged outside my window tonight, I closed my eyes and tried to capture an image of my thoughts.

I am that which whispers within the wind
the hushed tone lost within the rage and fury of the rising storm
I am that one tear swallowed by the heavens’ sorrow
the cold hand left to rest upon the unforgiving stone
I am that breath which rests upon the tongue
the quiet one silently weeping in the darkened corner
I am that heartbeat which no one else can feel
the fading one falling into oblivion.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I needed a laugh...

So I went looking for some stupid quizzes to try, and had to laugh heartily at the result on this one because of the last sentence, and considering the end of this

Your Rock Anthem is "Welcome to the Jungle"

The world can be a pretty crazy place, and sometimes you need to rock out to relax.

You like rock music because it doesn't sugarcoat anything. It's honest.

You do believe that life is a jungle, and you aren't afraid to let your wild side shine.

You let yourself go crazy! After all, deep down we're all just animals.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

On being alone...

A couple years back, I had transcribed in one of my notebooks the following poem regarding solitude by a gentleman named Charles Cotton. It so very well captured my thoughts on being alone at that particular time in my life, and indeed for most of my life.

Dear Solitude, the soul's best friend.
That man acquainted with himself doth make,
And all his Maker's wonders to entend,
With thee I here converse at will,
And would be glad to do so still,
For it is thou alone that keep'st the soul awake.
How calm and quiet a delight
Is it, alone
To read and meditate and write,
By none offended and offending none!
To walk, ride, sit, or sleep at one's own ease;
And, pleasing a man's self, none other to displease.

Charles Cotton

What I recently found out is that this was only an excerpt from a much longer poem by this gentleman in the 1600s. I went agoogling and found it here.  Part of the poem reflects who I am and part of the rest seems to reflect, in depth, a couple people with whom I have crossed paths on my journey here since last year.


The Forget-me-nots are blooming in the garden.

A symbol of hope, true love and remembrance.


To honour the fallen since last time.

U.S. (Fla (4), Cali (3), Wis,
Tex, Pa, Tenn, SC, Neb, Col)
Romania (2)
UK (2)
Hungary (2)

Support our troops. All of them.


In memory of Mom, Mrs. G, Mrs. O, Grandma K and Dorothy.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Better late than never...

Finally some more new growth in the yard.

 There's going to be a heck of a lot of pinecones
... to rake soon.... again.

The birds love this tree. (Hawthorne)

A little crowded here.
I've never seen two Rhodo buds together like this.

... but choose wisely...

Further to my dilemma yesterday, I was seriously considering not choosing either, so that I wouldn't have to go out at all.  However, the thought of Chinese food was eating away at me, heh...  But then, day to day life being as bland as it is, I think I needed entertainment, something to fill the void that is me. When I got there, it didn't look too busy, being a Sunday and all. When I approached to get my ticket, I noticed that the price of admission had gone up $2.00 since the last time I had been... maybe sometime last year, I can't remember. Oh well... I was already there. I waited in line to get popcorn, and that seemed to take forever. So all totalled, $13.00. More than I had planned on.  In the back of my mind, I may have been  thinking "ooh... that Szechuan Chicken Chow Mein sure sounds good right now."

The theatre was half empty. I made my way down the aisle almost to the front, and took a seat on the right hand side. One guy a couple rows back and no one in front.  After the lights had dimmed and the previews began, a guy sat down in the row right in front of me. A few minutes later... a woman, with her clothes apparently drenched in perfume sat down next to him. Gah. The odor died down after a few minutes, but ... gah, is all I can say. The movie began.

Opening credits appearing on the screen, I noticed "Directed by Kenneth Branagh". I'm not sure if I knew that before. Interesting. I vaguely recall seeing Thor in comicbooks and I know a little bit about Norse Mythology, and what movies Mr. Branagh is known for. I had no pre-conceived notions and no expectations about it, nor am I a stickler. Some parts were great, some mediocre, some little bits sub-par, but it doesn't matter. I liked it, and I am glad that I watched it in a theatre. Even if you watch it and don't like it, you must admit that it is necessary to see it in a theatre for full effect. To be transported to a world of Science-fiction sprinkled with Norse Mythology and a pinch of Shakespeare was what I needed.

Oh... one more thing... Chris Hemsworth IS Thor.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A Path to Nowhere...

I wrote a bit about this rather long grass at the end of the previous post.

Sunday Miscellany...

It would appear that my mind from last night to today is filled with a multitudinous amount of miscellany as evidenced by the previous posts. So following on that theme now allows me to post a few things which have absolutely no bearing on my life whatsoever... being Love, Marriage and Children, not necessarily in that order.

I've never been one of those people who makes baby sounds to babies, or baby sounds to dogs. I found myself almost making baby sounds to a friend's cute little dog this year. I had to stop myself with a "wha?"  Anyways... when I saw this image posted over at "I Know Funny"... I believe several months ago, I wanted to post it on the blog, but I had absolutely no way to work it in. It is just too damn cute...  and it has to be shared.

I would say the only time I ever thought of getting married was mentioned here.  The other day I clicked on a link to what was purported to be the most creative and inspired marriage proposal. Indeed it was... as well as romantic and heart-warming... and... just plain sweet.  I admire and applaud the young man for his outstanding effort... However, the deep, dark cynic in me says "Dude... how are you ever going to to top that?"  (or... even keep up the pace.), but the part with the dad brought a tear to my eye...  

A while back this was posted over at Magniflorious Phule. I had been thinking about writing a bit about kids these days, but couldn't quite come up with the the right words. Well...  now I don't have to. All I will say is that I laughed big time when I watched it because I've met kids like this.

As for Love...  see thoughts on Valentiine's Day post here.


More miscellany...

My oldest best bud drove into town this past Friday with her daughter, bearing birthday gifts and an Iced Coffee. Sweet! My birthday was a couple months ago, so this was an extra special treat. We had a great chat while her daughter played at the playground, we visited another friend and went for lunch as well. And ... it was a beautiful sunny day to boot.  Oh.. lunch... I was so wanting Chicken Fingers.. but I went with... a BLT and fries...  Oh... it was good, damn crispy goodness good.


We actually had two days in a row of sun.  Yes... I had mowed the lawn, as I said I would. I had done only a marginal amount the previous Friday, and did the rest this past Thursday. I did something I'd never done before... in almost nine years here... I mowed curvy paths into the lawn, just for fun.  The grass had grown exponentially in that one week, and the lawnmower was labouring. It was getting late, so it was a spur of the moment thing to be creative, save a bit of time, and give the little motor a break from doing the whole yard.

The way it goes... Friday was hot and sunny... Saturday..  cold and blustery. Today looks better again.


Well... I am having a dilemma here. Not a big one, and perhaps not even one worthy of a blogpost. I haven't been doing much by way of extracurricular activities.... at all. Well... this weekend, the movie Thor is playing at the local theatre. Heck, it has been on my radar since ...  the beginning of the year. So...  my dilemma is whether or not I want to splurge on seeing Thor in the theatre, or eating Chinese take-out. The cost will be about the same. Now... I have to consider that if I choose food over entertainment, what I order, being a combo dinner of yummy spicy Szechuan Chicken Chow Mein, Pork Chop Suey and Almond Chicken, will last me for two meals. The movie and popcorn is a one shot deal. I could wait til it comes out on DVD and save six bucks or so, but is it one that I need to see on the big screen... I don't know.  Ah... well...  dinner would be around 6, the movie starts at 7:30... I have a bit of time to decide.

I would say the hunger always wins. Hmm... Hot food or hot guy?

Speaking of hot guys, I just found out that "The Mechanic" (2011) is out on DVD now. I'll definitely splurge on that one.


How is it that I can feel at such odds with myself but remain so calm? My stomach churns, my head spins and my eyes burn, but the chaos within no longer drags me to the floor. I feel sick that I am unable to move yet I am at peace with where I be. How is this possible?

Somewhere in my memory the words "I don't care." float around almost like a quiet mantra from the past, referring to how I felt about life in general when I was much younger. Now, today, at this moment, I came to realize that what it truly meant was "I don't care... what happens to me."

That one sentence encompasses the "How" and the "Why" of my entire existence...  The how and the why I have not lived my life. The how and the why I feel that I wasted this soul.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Zen of Baseball...

I noticed this today after I signed out of Hotmail. I don't think that I have watched baseball regularly since the 80s when the Expos and Mets were sort of hot. I can't remember much from way back then except for blue uniforms.  Anyways...  when I watched this video, I just had to post it. Wasn't too sure what to call it..  Sixth Sense or Baseball Zen.  Amazing...


Kitchen Part Deux

This just... I...  ah... Just watch it.

(Warning: Includes sweary parts not for delicate ears, misspelling and lack of food safety... but hey...  it's called the "Vegan Black Metal Chef".)

YouTubeLink. Curtsy to T1G.

Oh... and when I was on YouTube, I noticed this commercial. Oog... KFC...  been a long time.  Now... now I be hungry.


My nephew was at my place doing homework, and when he completed what he could of Math and Science, he began working on Language Arts. He was required to do a "five senses poem", which he promptly finished and asked if I would like to hear it.  When he read it to me, I said "I have to post this on the blog."  (Anyone remotely familiar with my blog will see why.) He said, "Okay."  


I hear the sound of fresh, hot, sizzling bacon on the stove.
I feel the rush of warmth rising from the oven.
I smell the fresh pancake batter being whipped back and forth.
I taste the flavour of fresh, pure Canadian maple syrup.
I see ... my plate of second breakfast before me.

As much as I would like to say that I or my kitchen contributed to this in any way, I didn't, and sadly, nor did ny kitchen.  Oh... except for the warmth rising from the oven because we had hot dogs.

(I was originally going to post tihs right away, but then decided I should wait until he handed it in. )

Friday, May 20, 2011

Hot Dog Heaven...

I admitted to a guilty pleasure here. More recently... what's been on my mind is ... Hot Dogs... although I don't know if they can be considered a guilty pleasure or not. If I recall correctly I have always liked hot dogs, as a kid... and as an adult, even after finding out what was possibly included in the ingredients of said meat by-product. There are times when I would eat them dry... plain old bun and dog. In the past, on occasion, a chili dog topped with cheddar cheese, or a pizza dog with the sauce and mozza melted gooey on top would be a special treat. Often.. a dog with Honey Dijon Mustard and Sweet Green Relish would do the trick. In the last couple years, going to a local auction every once in a while, it would be a footlong plain, or with Relish and Sauerkraut... damn good. Long ago, boiled wieners was the norm, but the best by far are the ones cooked over an open fire, slightly charred. More recently, I have discovered this can be simulated, without the charring, in a 375 or 400 degree oven, with the wiener puffing slightly and cracking open just so, with the skin almost crisp.

Speaking of an open fire... I remember when I was a kid, on Halloween every year we would have a bonfire in the backyard garden, at which time we roasted wienies and toasted marshnallows on sticks, being the branches of trees in the yard, whittled down to a point by a pocketknife. It was then that I learned the art of the burning marshmallow and later perfected it to the art of the perfectly golden one. Ooh..   toasted marshmallows... golden, puffy, slightly crisp with a gooey centre. Oog... I remember the initial sensation of the burning tongue and trying to talk with a mouthful of hot marshmallow. Hmm... that's got me to thinking that I haven't fired up the son of a hibachi for a couple years now...  but summer's coming, so maybe soon.

Last week, wieners were on sale as was Hot Dog Relish, which I had never tried before. Ooh... it was good... better than Sweet Green Relish... and I found myself in Hot Dog Heaven... only thing missing was sauerkraut... or an open fire... and marshmallows. 

Photo from Emma's Eatery

When I held that jar of relish in my hand, standing in the aisle of the grocery store...  that open fire...  that spark was already burning in my brain.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sunrise or Sunset?

Sunrise... I've never seen a sunrise like this...

Sunset... I've never seen a sunset quite like this either.

Question number 10 in a post the other day was "Sunrise or Sunset?" I chose sunset for a number of reasons, although sunrise does have its own unique merits... promise of a new day and all that sweet stuff. These two images were not exactly what I had in mind when I made my choice, but they do reflect how I would choose.

Sunset to me is the time of quiet reflection... the time to exhale...  the time to shed cares and worries, to let them wash away with the fading light of day. It is the time to breathe in the possibility of dreams ahead and not be weighted down by those that may not come.


I am wondering if I have been struggling more with the writing of words or the actual formulating of thoughts as of late. Some rather unique recent comments have helped to provide some much needed mental motivation in the last few days, in particular from this post.  So... in the shower earlier tonight.. around 2AM, a thought came splashing into my mind. Suddenly it dawned on me that I haven't been wasting my life... I have been wasting this soul caged within this body of mine. That is all.

I may pursue this thought another day, but for now... at last... sleep.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My answers...

Further to this post

1. Honey
2. Rough and tumble over logic: Star Wars
3. Pizza
4. Buffy 
5. Coke (Even Caffeine-free Diet Coke tastes better.)
6. Batman
7. Versatility over instant gratification: Whipping Cream
8. Rob Zombie
9. Iced Tea
10. Sunset

#2 and #7 were difficult choices.

Thanks to everyone who took part.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Probably not a good idea...

... but chocolate chip sure would be nice.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Taking a break...

I figured I'd take a break from the norm for a lovely Monday. Over at PaulS' blog, he had a recent post titled "This or That", which was rather fun to do, so I decided to create my own version of it.

1. Peanut Butter with Jelly or Honey?
2. Star Wars or Star Trek?
3. Pizza or Tacos?
4. Alias or Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
5. Coke or Pepsi?
6. Batman or Superman?
7. Whipping Cream or Ice Cream?
8. Marilyn Manson or Rob Zombie?
9. Lemonade or Iced Tea?
10. Sunrise or Sunset?

I'm not sure if I should post my choices in the comments section or in a separate blogpost...  Hmm... I have to think about that. If anyone stops by and decides to participate, please feel free to answer one or all ten, or however many you wish.  I look forward to any and all comments, as always.

Happy Monday. (Yeah... look at the time of the post.)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sunday morning happy crap

No... I haven't gone all soft and mushy. I went to bed early... really early, but with no luck in the sleep department after two hours. It is now almost 2AM and I am currently listening to Metallica, The song playing is "The Day That Never Comes". I actually quoted it once before here. The line that stuck with me just now is "But the sunshine never comes... no... the sunshine never comes.", and this image came to mind. Wonderful happy crap for a rainy Sunday morning. I'm off to sleep now, yes... I am.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Journey or Destination?

Quiet emptiness...

This quiet emptiness that fills my heart screams to be released, but I remain fixed within this quiet emptiness that surrounds me and that scream is forced inward as ever. It is at times like this that I am glad of the way in which I deal with things. I am glad that I do not find release or solace by false means. I am glad that I do not unleash whatever inner turmoil there is within me. I would not wish that upon anyone. The moment passes... I breathe... and move on ... ever motionless.

Friday, May 13, 2011


Blogger went offline sometime on Wednesday evening. I know it came back online once that night, but then was gone again for Thursday in its entirety. Now I know my memory sucks now, compared to what it used to be, but I am certain that I had 25 posts for the month of May. I knew that some posts had disappeared, but I only remembered "Inside Looking Out" and "Yummy Things". I knew there was one I was missing, but couldn't for the life of me remember what it was. So a short time ago two posts reappeared.... "Inside Looking Out" and "Yesterday".  I also know that someone had posted a comment on the most recent post, but now the comment is gone as well. Funny thing is that I had just replied to that comment when Blogger first went offline and my reply vanished into thin air.

So... I was just checking the drafts and noticed that "Yummy Things" is sitting there. Interesting to note that at the time I wrote it, I considered it rather lacklustre, but had posted it anyways. And... oddly enough the best part of the post, the last paragraph... is now missing from the draft.

I mentioned to someone in an email that not having blogger available was like missing a cushion on a couch.  Now that I think about it a bit more, and the post called "Yummy Things" that is now just an incomplete draft, I see how it reflects where I am in my life right now ...  at this very moment. Life is an incomplete draft, unfinished, with parts yet unwritten, pages yet to be filled. Somehow last night, finding the link to this, and having it weigh on my mind, I find that it set in stone what I have known all along... but didn't care to address... life is too fleeting, fill those pages now... don't wait for the ink to dry. If something is missing, rewrite it. But can I?

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Inside looking out...

Random shot out the car window last year.

How many times in my life have I been staring out a window catching a fleeting glimpse of the world go by? How many times have I watched the last remnants of the sun fade behind the mountains?  How many times have I been down the same road going nowhere? How long have I been on the inside looking out?

How many times has happiness touched my soul?


Yesterday...  beautiful, warm and sunny... but today...  alas.... once again... cold and wet. Still haven't cut the lawn. Still waiting for those two days in a row of sun. If it doesn't come soon, the electric mower isn't going to be able to cut it. Heh. I know for sure I won't be able to use the manual mower.

Speaking of yesterday, early on in the blog I posted several photos of "Johnny Jump Ups" or viola tri color, but I was never able to capture the vibrancy of the darker colours with the cell-phone camera, until yesterday. I found this little guy growing in the yard, and the photo actually turned out half decently. Unlike buttercups, dandelions and daisies, these are most welcome here, and I will quite often find them growing in the grass and transplant them into one of the garden beds where they can grow to their hearts content. 

Ah... yesterday... the sun, the warmth, the fresh air...  It seems so long ago, but it was only yesterday.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Sharing Sanctuary...

Photo June 2010

At last, a spring day with a hint of summer. The grass is long, the wind was light, the sun ... soothing to the body and soul. In my quiet peaceful little corner of the world, I have in the past couple years found myself absorbing the tranquility and warmth (when it finally arrives) thinking "people would die to be where I am"... followed by the inevitable... "people have died for me to be where I am". Others before me have scratched and fought and forged ahead and died so that I could have this little space to call my own. I also take into consideration that less than one hundred years or so ago I wouldn't have been allowed to even "have" this little corner of the world in the first place. It has also been only sixty odd years since I, or should I say my kith and kin, were allowed to vote...


Once again, I have been contemplating life and death and other whatnot... trying to feel inspired to live life instead of just exist it. At times, even the existing part of it began to wear thin and I went far beyond my personal boundaries to share that part of my non-journey in the past year or so. I struggle yet with the unknown. A small part of me believes that everything will turn out for the best...  but the realistic, cynical side of me does not see the light at the end of the tunnel...


When I was writing this today, I was thinking about my sanctuary here in the real physical realm, and of people who will never know the peace that I have. I have thought about this many times and how I might impart some of this peace or share this sanctuary with others struggling with their own unknowns. I then realized that I had very recently visited similar thoughts here and had already written something called Sanctuary. Hopefully at some point I will stop standing still and going around in circles and then maybe, just maybe, figure out what I can do.

Monday, May 9, 2011


I was just going to close my tired eyes for a few minutes before I went to the obligatory sporting activity this evening... I had time... It was 5:48pm. I cranked Rob Zombie and went to lie down in the room where the speakers are. I was listening to the music... but when I opened my eyes, it was 6:40! It starts at 6:30... I was late. There was a Canucks game on tonight so I wasn't too sure how many would show up to play. I walked and jogged part way. When I got there I noticed four vehicles and at the door, a bike. When I got to the gym... surprisingly there were five guys ... but just one gal... me. Needless to say I got tuckered out fairly quickly. I went out in between games to go grab a drink at the fountain and when I was heading back down the hallway I saw this:

It just struck me... as such a beautiful view. I went back to grab my cell phone so I could snap a pic or two. The other one I took has the "EXIT" sign at the top, but this one just looks more serene (and a bit more in focus). After playing the last game and putting the equipment away, it was still light out, which is great. But... it would be nice if it would start feeling like spring for more than just one or two days a week.

A Real Man

This little gem came courtesy of Edna quite some time ago, but neither of us know who originally wrote it.

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.

No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
Its wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

(Author unknown)
I'm not much of a drinker, but that made me laugh big time. And, it gives me a reason to post this photo I took a while back of a rather pale Pinot Noir.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Slightly meaty goodness...

Guilty... I am. Swanson's Turkey TV Dinner is just one of those things that affect me deeply. I don't know why. They must inject the slices of turkey product with some irresistible flavour drug that sends savory signals to my brain.  The other day they were on at four for $10, so I just couldn't not buy them. Normally I believe they are $4.99 or $5.99 each. Oddly enough, I sort of forgot that they were in the freezer for a couple days, but when I went in there this morning... there they were... Ooh... I thought... yummy... I could have one for lunch instead of dinner. I closed the freezer door for a moment... just for a moment, and thoughts flashed through my mind...the creamy mashed potatoes with gravy, the crunchy bits of the stuffing, that damned tasty turkey, I have to preheat the oven and it takes 40 minutes to cook, I should just turn the oven on now, I should just do it.... and so I did. I also thought ahead to the fact that it has been unseasonably cold here and turning the oven on would provide much desired warmth in the kitchen. It was a no brainer. It seemed to take forever for the oven to preheat and seemed to take longer for the thing to cook. Finally... it was done... I let it rest for a minute or two, stood at the stove with the door open to warm myself up and then dug in. Oh My God! It was good. All that salty, creamy, crunchy, slightly meaty goodness. At one point I actually had to tell myself to slow down.

Turkey TV dinners have always been a guilty pleasure of mine, guilty considering the meals that mom used to make. I'm still unsure as to why they called the slightly bigger ones "Hungryman" as they don't quite even satisfy a hungrywoman. Personally I think they should omit the dessert and add more mashed potatoes.

(I wrote this yesterday, but added to and edited it today.)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Picture a massless particle...


One of the open, honest, candid blogs that I read is written by a guy whose life experiences are 180 degrees from mine, but for whatever reason there exist similarities or parallels in our paths. In a recent post, he talks about "A Safe Place to Fall", which is something that mirrors how I feel, but had not yet been able to write about here. This snippet says it all:

"... So many people have never had anyone in their life that would just listen to them. It is so easy for me to give advice but I've often discovered that isn't what the situation needs. Nope, often a person just needs a trusted ear, "a safe place to fall" a dear friend of mine calls it. How rare is it in this life today to have a Safe Place To Fall, to have a friend where you can go and honestly open up yourself and share your deepest thoughts and feeling without fear? It's very RARE, in my experience.

So That is my goal today: I want to be "A Safe Place To Fall". A place where someone can come to me and share what's on their mind and I will lovingly listen to them. That is what I aspire to today. Are YOU A Safe Place To Fall?"

I can safely say ... yes... I am. I think I always was, but other than when I was much younger, it has only been in the last three years that I allowed myself to be, and I like being that person again. I am also very thankful that at a difficult time in my life I also allowed myself to have A Safe Place to Fall of my own. I must confess that I found allowing myself to have one was much more difficult than being one.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Love letters...

I like this story for so many reasons. It involves World War I and love letters. Video can be found here.

Talk to me Goose...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Bright sky...

Hot, cold, warm, cold, wet, sunny... Who knows what the next day will bring? Could be everything all in one day. Today feels like it is freezing, but yesterday was gorgeous and sunny as seen in these photos. On the other side of the neighbour's property, there's this "shrub" and a holly bush growing together, each almost seven or eight feet tall.  I'm not really fond of red (or hot pink) flowers either (yellow being bright and happy, red being bright and showy), but I had to take a picture as I couldn't get over how "full" it was this year. I don't even recall this one ever having flowered before. You think I would have noticed. The magnolia in my yard is done and it's almost time for the lilacs and spirea. Would be nice if they bloomed at the same time, but it never works out that way.

Bunny or table ornament...

My wacky horoscopes have been rather lame as of late, but I burst out laughing when I read today's.

"Change is always for the good, ask any transsexual. The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things over the coming week. Like, how lazy was that hare, eh? Jeez, I mean, that bunny should've whupped that table ornament."

Ooh.... fried chicken

Usually on the two days of the week when I have my obligatory sporting activity I don't eat anything greasy or fried, or with the possibility of upsetting my stomach. Today just before 5PM, big sis called to ask what I was having for dinner and I said I wasn't sure, at which point she remembered it was sporting activity day. I then asked what she was having and she replied "fried chicken".  "Ooh... when did you get it?"  She said that she had just picked it up, so when I queried how come she didn't stop by on her way home, she said "because it was hot". We determined that if she brought me some, I could save it for dinner afterwards, so she stopped by with the foil-wrapped treasure. Of course I couldn't resist and had to look inside. Ooh.. a drumstick and a something. I've got an hour, I thought to myself...  Just one bite? Maybe just the drumstick? Maybe just one more bite? Oh... white meat... Then... I found myself picking the crispy, salty goodness from the bones...  Damn that was good.

Oddly enough, play was not affected at all... except perhaps I was a little lighter on my feet and I seemed to have more snap.  Go figure.

I went looking for a photo to add to this, but didn't find anything that looked good. But ... now I seem to be wanting mashed potatoes.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Those damned dandelions...

They rear their ugly bright happy faces and sometimes I rip their heads off. I never thought I would take a picture of one, let alone three, but although I believed that I had encountered the mother of all dandelion plants I had never before come across the mother of all dandelion flowerheads. Granted it is impossible to tell the size of the creature from the photo above, so I did another thing I never thought I would do and took them inside to get more pictures. Have I mentioned before that I do NOT like yellow flowers? Especially bright, happy yellow flowers?

Yep... that is a dime on a dandelion.
(Yeah... it's really out of focus... I know.)
Hmm... if I had a dime for every dandelion...
(and every photo I've taken that is out of focus.)

New Skin

Somehow tonight I got to thinking about another favourite band that has sort of faded from my scope over time... Incubus. I have one of their songs "I Miss You" on the sidebar "just because". That particular song was from the album with another one I liked called "Drive"...  I can't even remember what the name of that album was. Anyways, this is another one of those bands that I never knew anything about, as in their names or what they looked like or ... anything. I had first heard of them a few years before that album, but I'm not sure if it was before or after hearing them on the "Spawn" Soundtrack, which is another favourite of mine. The Anti-Gravity song had caught my attention first, for some bizarre reason... I think it reminded me of something from the 80s I used to listen to.  I know that I have a couple more of their newer CDs as well, but those didn't seem to grab me at all. So earlier this evening I took a listen to their CD "S.C.I.E.N.C.E." and found that once again I had forgotten how much I had liked it, and also how it would appear that some of the song lyrics seem to resonate with my life as it is at this time... such as in "A Certain Shade of Green". 

They had a funky, eclectic, unique sound, even varying from song to song as evidenced by two of my favourites:

New Skin

The Anti-Gravity song which is actually called "Summer Romance (The Anti-Gravity Love Song)", of which I found this newer acoustic version online tonight.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Somzing like zis?

I have always liked the taste of other languages on my tongue, even if it was just a few words here and there. Many years ago I was thinking of learning something other than English or French, so I bought two instructional packages... one for German and one for Russian. Something about the Russian language always intrigued me because it seemed to be a mouthful inside the mouth as well as outside it. There seemed to be more tongue movement as opposed to lips. Anyways, all I know are a few words, but only one sentence from the tutorial. On two separate occasions I have spoken with Russian women and both were quite surprised at how well I spoke in the language, even if it was just a few words including "hello"... and "Do you speak English?".  German, on the other hand was another story...   Maybe it was big bro's Sgt. Rock comics, maybe it was the WWII movies, or Hogan's Heroes (um... nope)... I'm leaning towards Sgt. Rock because the words were there in front of me.  At some point in my earlier years I read that German was closest in root language to English, but I never quite believed that. Maybe it meant that is was closer in grammar and structure. I'm not sure.  Regardless, I didn't even manage to remember a complete sentence...  but maybe I didn't actually do the tutorial? I don't quite remember.

Anyways, a friend of big sis sent this in an email to her quite some time ago, so I do not know how old it is or who the writer was.  For reasons above, this gem cracked me up.. but you must read it out loud to the end for full effect:

"The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publikenthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas."

(Author unknown)

Ooh... hamburger

Last night after my obligatory sporting activity, I caught a ride to go grab a burger, and lucky for me, A & W had Mama burgers on for $1.50... Much better taste and size for value than a burger from McDonalds. So... I picked up two burgers and a small fries. This was perhaps the first time ever that the fries were not very fresh, but still pretty good. Great deal, with two burgers and small fries for $4.89 plus tax which came to $5.48. Of course, my plan was to have one of the burgers for dinner and save the other for today. Oh... but I was tempted last night ... I had wrapped it in saran and placed it on the top shelf of the fridge right next to the milk and when I opened the fridge door it was ... there... looking at me.

Funny that I knew the burger was still there, but when I opened the fridge door this morning.. same effect... "eat me" it whispered to me... It was like the first thirty seconds of that "banana" video (posted on the blog, but which I have since added to the bottom of the sidebar). "Hamburger" I whispered back. But... then I snapped out of it... Wait... later... I closed the door with a sense of regret and longing.

It was cold again today with the wind having picked up, so unlike Sunday, I donned my black wool coat and long boots to go for a walk downtown. Past the Post Office I happened to look down and noticed that I had narrowly missed stepping in dog poop again, but sadly, someone else had not. I continued on my way, stopped in at my friends shop and we had one of our interesting conversations regarding kids these days, as well as regarding how things are taught in schools now as opposed to back when we were kids. We've known each other since kindergarten and were in the same classes up until grade six, and since she knows of my lack of childhood memory, was trying to jog it a bit by asking if I remembered certain classrooms and this and that. Sadly... no. I do remember certain bits from certain grades, but nothing such as a complete, solid memory. I remember a fair bit from Grade 4 which I think may have been when the grading switched to As and Bc instead of the numbering system. I remember in Grade 5 my teacher thought I was "slow" and that I lacked reading comprehension skills. All I know is that I could read perfectly well and didn't know what he was thinking. I remember in Grade 6 with a new, younger teacher, being put into an advanced reading group, where we were introduced to the Lord of the Rings by Tolkien. I remember other little bits and pieces here and there, but that's where I ended up today. I headed back to open my shop and on my way back, remembered to avoid the squished remains on the sidewalk. Further along the way, the sun started to shine through the mostly clouded sky.

Oh... but I had not forgotten. I had been patient. The hushed word, embedded in my brain... hamburger.  For a moment I thought... I could save it for dinner, but ... then... why? I opened the fridge door and there it was... I carefully unwrapped it and gently placed it on a piece of paper towel, gingerly folding the corners underneath. Into the microwave... 1 min 25 sec... seemed like an eternity. Ding. Carefully unwrapped it, opened it up, gingerly placed spinach leaves on it, pressing them down to fit more on, replaced the top bun and... at last... Mmmmm... Hamburger. Not quite the same effect as a fresh one, but still pretty damn good. I wasn't eating quickly, but somehow I inhaled while I was chewing and something went down my windpipe...  nasty.. choking... air... coughing... blech. However, that did not deter from the utter enjoyment of the... hamburger. It has only been an hour and I think back on it as a fond memory.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Blank Slate

Sitting here tonight with my eyes closed and my head resting in my right hand, my mind is completely blank. No thought, no feeling, no memory, no song, no word. But I am still breathing... my ears ringing... my heart beating. Everything falls away until there is nothing. For once there is no sadness, there are no waiting tears, there is no sense of overwhelming sorrow. There is nothing, and tonight... tonight I am glad of it.  For a moment my hands were clasped together and I looked down at them, losing myself in the space between spaces. Time seemed to slow down... to stand still... to draw itself out. Tonight in that moment, in this moment, I cherish this nothing that I am for it is ... my peace.