It is too quiet... too cold. I could try to drown out the silence but it would change nothing.
Imagine you are driving along in your car on a beautiful, sunny day when out of the blue sky a snowflake falls. The blue turns to various shades of white and gray as clouds fill the sky and more snow descends. It keeps falling until you can drive no further and must stop. Soon the car becomes engulfed in a snow drift and you can do nothing but wait it out. But... you don’t drive, there is no car, there is no snow. There is only you, in the quiet, in the cold, in the middle of the road... waiting... for nothing.
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8 comments:
You've just described quite accurately what it felt like to acknowledge that I couldn't fight my addiction anymore with out some sort of spiritual intervention. That feeling of it just being me...alone..waiting...for nothing. Nothing was going to just happen to fix things, no magical change...then a realization that I must actively seek the answer...only then might things change.
I'm always pleasantly surprised to find postings that I can relate to so specifically. I really enjoyed both of your posts this morning...on the Sleep Deprivation Tour 8^)
Come inside. Seek shelter from the storm.
T:
I am glad that you can relate to it. Now, whether or not it is a good thing or bad thing that someone who is in recovery can relate to something I have felt and written about... this I do not know, considering that my journey is an internal struggle and has nothing to do with addiction or recovery, if that makes sense.
I greatly appreciate your comment.
KW:
Thank you. Biggest problem is that I AM inside, both literally and figuratively. I am both the shelter and the storm.
Spockgirl:Recovering Addicts are people too, lol. Meaning I have the same feelings, thoughts, fears, joys that anyone else does. It might be different things that trigger feelings and thoughts because every single person on earth is unique. I wouldn't worry about it, I think it just means we are both human...
I would also add that addiction is all about internal struggle as well, it's something we are born with. It certainly isn't a learned behavior...well you've read my blog, so you've read about all the internal fears, etc. It's just the reaction and behavior is different, thats all.
I thought your post was wonderful...
T:
Yes... and yes... I understand what you are saying... completely. I often forget that when I write or say something, people do NOT automatically know the other five or ten things that I did not say before AND after what I said or wrote. When I mentioned "internal struggle" I did not fully explain nor differentiate... basically ALL struggles ARE internal in the beginning and the end, but this goes beyond that and would require oodles of 'splaining.
There is a light in the distance. You walk towards it. It is a house. You knock. You are greeted warmly. You are invited in. You are fed. You enjoy yourself.
After a few hours, you are offered a ride home by new friends, with whom you keep in touch afterwards and who continue to fill your life with joy.
Or, as I call it... blogging.
Harvey:
I like that... warm and fuzzy. Only thing is that I have come to the point where I must somehow find a way to reconcile myself to the reality of my existence, and blogging ultimately will not play a part in this.
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