Blogging isn't what it used to be. Well... life isn't what it used to be either, so I guess all is fair in life and blogging. Wait... what? What am I doing? Drifting, floating, meandering. Pleasantly struggling. The question remains. What am I going to do? It has been years now. Not months. YEARS. I have gained no ground whatsoever. No progress has been made. Personal growth perhaps, but no actual progress. Telling yourself "You'll figure it out." keeps you afloat, but doesn't get you anywhere. Saying "I need help." doesn't really help. I think divine intervention or a fairy godmother might be of great assistance in this thing called life.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Monday, September 5, 2016
So often in the past few years I had found myself staring blankly at my hands... or at the floor... for the most part accompanied by a feeling of despair and tears... Recently I realized, in a given moment, that I had been looking up at the ceiling instead.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
Oh... thou art humourous... The wacky, humourous universe never fails...
It seemed as though a Metallica song had perhaps played out in my life... but perplexingly, I was squished like a little fly on the wall... Then, I typed some words to reflect this here, and I realized today that almost two weeks to the day, I deactivated my Facebook account. Pretty funny...
The other funny part is that in the time that I have been off of Facebook, I have on at least four or five occasions, happened to look at the clock, whether it be on the kitchen stove, cellphone or laptop, morning, or night, at 11:11, and also 1:11. This used to happen with more frequency starting about five years ago, but had faded out in the past year or two. I know there are some theories as to the significance of this occurrence, however I am not inclined to take stock in any one of them just yet. I just approach it as a twilight zone moment being that it is rarely, if ever, one of divine enlightenment. (Today would have been a double-whammy, as I happened to look at the time at 11:11 and then 12:12, which oddly enough is exactly 1 hour and 1 minute past 11:11.)
Monday, August 1, 2016
Traces of me in Haiku by Metallica...
"Curse the day is long
Realize you don't belong
The funny thing is that I have listened to these songs so many times before, but never caught this until now, and it is so perfectly fitting for me in the now, as well as where I have always been.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Hadn't looked at horoscopes online for quite some time, but went agoogling and clicked a few things. I cracked open a fortune cookie and woke up the Chinese Fortune Dragon, the latter of which revealed "A book tightly shut is but a block of paper."
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
I sit quietly in the darkness and I become one with the nothing that surrounds me. I breathe in the silence and become a shadow within the darkness. As I inhale the silence, the well of my soul fills with tears for all that I am not and for all that I will never be. I scream silently as I battle my demons for a future I cannot see.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
... when I wrote the caption underneath the header for the blog six years ago... "Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.", how much insight I had into myself and how much truth and impact those words would hold in my future. This can be seen throughout what I have written, once again particularly evidenced by my most recent posts. I scared myself last week, and it had been a while since that had happened, more often in the past fueled by self-inflicted fatigue and sleepless nights. This time it was different. I struggled with the very real possibility that my mind may not recover and that there is no foreseeable future... or any future for that matter.
(Note: And yes, I see the humour in it all...)
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Friday, July 8, 2016
... when the universe sets in motion an elaborate plan to make you believe something which you always knew to be impossible, then quietly pulls the magic carpet out from beneath your feet, and you plummet back to the cold, dark reality of your non-existent life?