Sunday, April 10, 2016
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Interesting... Today in the "You have memories to look back on..." in Facebook, there was a picture of a Leonberger dog that I had shared. I went agoogling, and followed that with the Belgian Malinois, which then lead to the Groenendael. I had not heard the name of that breed before, nor did I know what it looked like before today. Apparently, I found him, the one in my dream.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Today is the first day of Spring. This means that another birthday fast approaches. I rarely wish for things, as it is just a day in the calendar of life after all. This year however, I made a quiet little wish, I suppose more like a smidgen of hope, for one particular thing. But alas, I already know the outcome.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Hadn't been on the blog for a couple days. As I usually do, I went to the overview to check the dwindling stats, and had to do a double-take, as I noticed "1 comment". Funny though, that I didn't say "oooh... a comment", I said "what the?" The blog is pretty much dead, hence the appropriate reaction. And then the sheer utter spamness of it...
It was a comment regarding this post.
Oh... and on a sidenote, my blog just had its sixth birthday. Woohoo... or something...
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Friday, March 4, 2016
I have often thought, at different times during my life, that there were just certain things that would never be a part of my life. As a kid, I knew I wasn't going to have kids, or get married. After a certain point, I knew I wasn't going to read any more books, nor would I travel any more. I also knew that I would never get to do anything more with the house. When before I had pictures and ideas, I just stopped thinking about it, because it was unrealistic. When I opened my shop, it was not something that I had always wanted to do or had thought about over the years, it was just an idea that came up and everything fell into place for me to do it. I got to be the creative me and it also allowed me to just be me, in the freedom of that environment. It was after I closed the shop that I wondered more about the personal aspect of my life. I guess it was following that adjustment, getting my first computer, and being online when everything started to unravel.
I have come to the conclusion that I wasn't meant for anything more. Life for me IS just about a job and paying bills. There is nothing more. Living in a small town with no room for growth or advancement, that is just the way it is. As everything falls apart around me, I go further into debt to exist. I have reached the point where I have no desire to seek more knowledge. I have nothing remotely resembling passion in my soul. (Not that I ever did.) I can help no one. I can barely keep my mind together. There is no hate. There is no love. One thing that remains, with its irregular heartbeat, is sadness. I contemplate many things as I lie awake in the dark, but as much as I fight it, eventually I still manage to breathe deeply and fall asleep at peace with myself, and wake up every morning new. I don't shower and wash my hair every day, but I still wash my face and brush my teeth and floss, without fail. I marvel at the mundane. I just can't seem to live is all.
(I wrote most of this the other day and finished it tonight, but once again, I hesitate. Apparently I have come full circle since I began the blog.)
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Monday, February 29, 2016
I had an odd dream this morning. I've been having an increased number of dreams as well, but unlike ones in the past, most lately seem like real life situations rather than dreams. This morning however, just seemed ... different. I was outside, changing clothes and/or putting boots on, and to my right, I saw a youngish lady walking with a bicycle, shouting profanities at no one in particular, and talking more to herself than another person. From behind me on the left side, a very large black shepherd approached and lay down on the ground at my feet. In doing so, he lay on top of my boot, so I had to pull it out from under him. Whilst bending down to get it, I said to him something like "be careful of that one". There was no sense of danger, or fear. I finished what I was doing and gave him a hug. I could actually feel the long, fluffy yet bristly hair. I woke up right then with a sense of calm. Thinking on it further, I wondered if it was a black wolf and not a shepherd, due to his size and the thick coat. I don't know.
Was this a dream guide? Was it an omen of death, mine or someone else, or of an impending transition? I did not feel ill at ease at all, so perhaps it was just coming to terms with my mortality.