Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Saturday, July 21, 2018

I forgot...

I realize that I have been too long away from here. I also realize that I have been too long away from this thing called "Life". It would be easier to say that life just got busy, but it has not. It hasn't gotten harder either. It is just... the same as it has been. I think the best way to describe it would be... I forgot. I forgot what day it was. I forgot who I was. I forgot what you are supposed to do. I remembered the little things, like waking up, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth, eating and having a shower. But what happens when those little things become the big things? 

So what did I do when the nothing became somewhat overwhelming? I did Spider Solitaire. I did Sudoku. Sudoku became too difficult at times, so Spider Solitaire it was. I went on Facebook. I'd watch clips. Not full videos... clips... Because my attention span, which in my entire life has been long and patient, is now almost non-existent, unless of course I digress to living dead girl, the barely alive, half-comatose creature that can walk a kilometre in a daze, and not realize what distance has been covered. 

So tonight, after trying to do the Sudoku, playing Spider Solitaire, watching episodes of "Say yes to the dress", I signed on to my blog, which I haven't done for quite some time apparently. I went to look at "Stats", and didn't really look, just clicked on the first "traffic source" which happened to be a real blog. I read it. It was a kindred spirit. A non-lifer. Although I have to admit, it would seem he actually has "a life", as he has a spouse, and probably has kids too, which is one or more ahead of me in the life department. From there, I clicked on something, I can't remember what it was now. And then clicked on an old blog that I recognized and used to read. And he had a link to an older post, which seems oddly fitting for where I am right now too. Not necessarily the content of the post, but the feel of it. 

So why did I start the blog? It was eight years ago already... I know I was lost. I know I became more lost, but at the same time also managed to find more of me somehow. I thought I didn't know what I was doing then, but now? I know that I don't know what I am doing, or what I am going to do, who I am, or what the point is. I don't know anything, and this has me worried.  

Monday, April 9, 2018

Something to look forward to...

... good or bad, I don't care...

Tuesday, March 27, 2018


Signs of life? No.
However... this came up tonight, and there is, I suppose, some comfort in the thought... 

Saturday, March 17, 2018

I'm still alive...

The half century mark of my life proved to be uneventful to say the least, and the year ended on a somewhat anti-climactic note, recovering after the open-heart surgery near the end of September, and spending Christmas visiting dad in hospital out of town. Life is funny that way, but I must acknowledge that if anything worked out, it was the timing of it all. I recovered well enough to shovel snow when it fell, and did it ever in a short period of time. I recovered well enough to be able to walk to the hospital to see dad when he was back in town. The other thing? My niece made it home for the holidays and got to see her Grandpa whilst she was here. As for life being funny,  dad had made it back to the hospital at home after the new year, but passed away unexpectedly in January. The last thing I said to him? "I'll see you tomorrow dad."  He died the next morning, before I got there.

As far as timing goes, I had three part-time jobs last year, with the third one having come up out of the blue, and ending in time before the surgery. I was, and still am, trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life, which I had to do when I turned 40, and yet again at 50... but hey...  I'm still alive... Speaking of alive... I've been hanging out here since March 7, 2010, so I just passed my eight year blogiversary. I haven't posted anything for over a month, but ... I'm still alive... I had my passport renewed a few years ago, after having not been anywhere for over 20 years  I still haven't gone anywhere. I was supposed to make use of it last year, however that didn't quite work out, but... I'm still alive... 

I don't know anything, but I will get that damn passport stamped this year. (Oh, but of course, that will most likely be after we sort through the over 53 years of accumulated life memories and belongings in dad's house.)

Friday, February 2, 2018

No... I am not on Instagram, this just fits nicely here...
A post shared by Sebastien Millon (@sebreg) on

Friday, November 10, 2017

Dumbing down?

I had entertained the idea of Twitter before, albeit briefly, as if it were some crazy far off thing to do, but now I wonder if it is simply the natural progression, as blogs died off, the consequence of people switching to Facebook to write short posts, or to share inspirational quotes or stupid memes, and then ultimately fake news, subsequently heading to Twitter to say something quicker and perhaps snarkier, from behind the gilded case of their Iphone. As blog posts became shorter and shorter, or simply became the sharing of a video here and there, and it became increasingly difficult to formulate a complete thought, let alone write it down and elaborate upon it, was this the point to which we digressed? 

I don't know. I just don't know.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Dear "Blogger"...

I think Blogger should hire someone, because a "bot" "can" make mistakes, to go to, find, and remove to a trash receptacle, and subsequently delete, all the bogus "blogs" out there, making use of the "" addresses. The "I am not a robot." they added for commenting on posts clearly does not help any longer, so the only solution would be having a human to do so. 

Oh.... and the concept of "bots"? I don't really need to have 100 visitors from Russia all because some stupid "bot" saw the word "boobs" somewhere on my blog and chose to link to it. I think that is how it works anyway. End rant. 

(Yes, apparently I do have too much time on my hands at present.)

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Life hacks...

You see them quite often... these "life hack" videos... Well, my life hack? Sanitary pads. I had a box of gauze and box of the three inch tape on hand when I started. I had had the lower leg and thigh staples taken out the required time after surgery, and less than a week later, there was seepage on the bottom and leakage on the top. I am so glad that I had the gauze and tape on hand from years and years ago, but I soon had to buy three more boxes of gauze pads. Turns out they don't make gauze pads all the same, or of the same thickness and absorbency...  Sigh... 

So... what does a peri-menopausal or menopausal chick do? Well... check what else is on hand of course...  Sanitary pads of all shapes and sizes is what was to be had. Hmmm... can I use this? Can I cut this one and use both? Will this cover the leg wounds where needed? I used tape on each side, which worked well, but what I found is that the mini-pads were the perfect width and length... and... I could use one whole piece of the three inch gauze tape to cover the part of the pad that needed to be held in place. Sanitary, super-absorbent, sticky = perfect. I wish I had thought of it that third week. 

I am now just past my five week anniversary of surgery, and there is still some slight leakage and weeping of both a little blood and fluid, but the swelling on the foot and leg is down to almost nothing. Almost. I DID go out and walk to the store and back on my own this past week, which was wobbly, but still...  Feeling more steady as I go.

The funny thing is that I tend to have overlooked the fact that I had open heart surgery. The leg has been more troublesome. This may however be due to the fact that prior to this surgery, I walked everywhere, and that has had a huge impact on me during this time, not being able to just get out and walk anywhere. That of course, and not being able to fit my swollen foot into shoes or boots. 

Oh... and soon I will have to figure out what I am going to do with my life. Again.

I turned fifty this year. Yay me!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017


... I still get up. (Even if only to feel tired and sit in a chair for most of the day. I think I am going to test myself again today.)

Sunday, October 22, 2017


I realize that it is a little too late in life to have something "normal", and besides, it wasn't something I was looking for in the first place. I suppose that having a touch of normal would have been nice at some point, but here I sit in the quiet, cold, still aloneness, as I have for so many years before, absorbing the meaningless nature of it all...

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

The artistry of spilled milk...

I had poured the milk and was putting it back in the fridge when it started to slip. I saw it fall from my hands and head towards the floor in slow motion. I could see a small puddle form just as I swooped down to grab the carton, only to realize that “You’re not supposed to bend down like that after heart surgery stupid.” Miraculously, the carton was still pretty much closed. I noticed afterwards that more milk had been spilled than had been previously noted, as I saw it in three other spots, as well as on the grate at the bottom of the fridge. I had quickly thrown down pieces of paper towel on it and in the nooks and crannies, until I could get back to it for proper cleaning. Needless to say, I waited until almost the end of the day to complete that task, which for whatever reason seemed to be much more arduous than it was.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017


I have metal staples from ankle to groin on my left leg. I have metal staples on the chest bone. I have a few stitches on my rib-cage. Apparently they also took a vein from the mammary area. Surgery was two weeks ago Friday. I came home a week later. I had run some errands with assistance the day of and the day after, but none since then. I have not yet been able to walk outside. In the house I hobble around and do my physio exercises in the warmth of the laundry room sunshine. I showered at the hospital, on my own, with the leg completely wrapped up in black garbage bags and taped snugly, along with the IV on the right wrist wrapped with plastic as well. I have not showered at home yet as I have not regained my balance sufficiently to do so, but that is the Thursday night task. 

On an interesting side-note, surgery was typically three to four, perhaps six hours... I went under at 1pm and everything was a complete black void until I heard a voice saying "It is 11pm, you should wake up..." Having been on extra pain medication for the first couple days and a diuretic for the duration, I was pretty much up less than every hour, the walking dead, head tilted to the left, eyes glazed over, using the walker without thought nor care except to get to where I needed to go and back. I felt bad for the nurses on duty who had to unhook me... every single time... I had to get up... ten times the first night... and more the next day... I did appreciate the fact that things hit me considerably harder than most of the patients. I could hear and see everything, even though my eyes were closed and it looked as though I was sleeping. 

Although I had time to attend pre-admission clinics, read the material, practice what I could do and not do, I was woefully unprepared. Any questions asked were the ones most ignored, during, before and after, and the ones which would have made recovery a bit less strained. Ah well, c'est la vie... My hope was, and is, that I may feel less tired than I had before, and that perhaps I will feel more alive as time goes on.

(Quadruple coronary artery bypass surgery)

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

The only telling sign...

... is how both mentally and physically tired I am with no exertion whatsoever.

Monday, September 11, 2017

And then I realize the day...

"It's the little things that kill 
Tearing at my brains again"

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

My great big fat summer vacation...

In a couple weeks I get to have my chest-bone sawed apart and my heart opened up and fiddled around with. This is a wee bit more worrisome than having had my eye sliced open and fluid sucked out. Even though I was awake for that.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Such is the nature of conversations...

"I ask you a question for which your response allows me a glimpse into your personality."

Friday, August 18, 2017

I do...

I want to write. I feel like I have things to say. I just can't seem to formulate any coherent thoughts.