... isn't it? The only way I could think of saying it before was that I'd lost my way. Well, I did lose my way, many years ago, and I suppose I am still lost, but now it is just... different. Now what comes to mind is that my light has gone out. It is no longer that I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but more akin to the movie "Pitch Black" with Vin Diesel battling these nocturnal nightmarish creatures that are only kept at bay where there is light. Only here, there is no darkness, no creatures, but rather a void... filled with ringing... just ringing. A quiet, constant ringing in the ears to keep me company when there is nothing else.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Friday, December 30, 2016
Monday, December 12, 2016
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Thursday, November 17, 2016
I feel this terrible guilt that has been building, for getting trapped inside my head, and not trying harder to escape. Not trying harder, period. I have moments when the grip loosens and I am able to function on a reasonable level in order to accomplish daily tasks out of necessity, however, on a day like today, the vise tightens and I am filled with the pervasive, ominous sense of futility. Nothing... then sadness... I can feel myself eroding.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
The word that came to mind today in regards to my present and ongoing state of being or condition, is "atrophy". It seemed the perfect choice, but then what was that other word, perhaps less common... "entropy"... So, in thinking that I may not have the definition correct in my brain, I went to check. Well...
1 : decrease in size or wasting away of a body part or tissue; also : arrested development or loss of a part or organ incidental to the normal development or life of an animal or plant
2 : a wasting away or progressive decline
2 a : the degradation of the matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity b : a process of degradation or running down or a trend to disorder
3 : chaos, disorganization, randomness
In light of my current, rather subtle in appearance, decay and decline in both physical and mental capacity, it would appear that both would be appropriate word choices. Only one thing remains to be said...
"To be or not to be... that is the question."
Thursday, October 13, 2016
I must find a way to escape this quiet, chaotic, swirling mess that is my brain. Or is it perhaps the fierce battle erupting between that which is my logic and the now more prevalent human frailty? If anyone were to see me at these moments, they would, if at all, simply see someone sitting quietly in contemplation, not this angst-filled, directionless castaway of the ship called life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
In this cold, empty room
On this endless, empty road
When you’ve lost your way
And there is no end in sight
When there is no light to guide you
Or lead you from the darkness
I cannot help you...
I am with you there...
If I could, I would take your hand and lift you up
If I could, I would raise you up from this place...
But I cannot...
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Blogging isn't what it used to be. Well... life isn't what it used to be either, so I guess all is fair in life and blogging. Wait... what? What am I doing? Drifting, floating, meandering. Pleasantly struggling. The question remains. What am I going to do? It has been years now. Not months. YEARS. I have gained no ground whatsoever. No progress has been made. Personal growth perhaps, but no actual progress. Telling yourself "You'll figure it out." keeps you afloat, but doesn't get you anywhere. Saying "I need help." doesn't really help. I think divine intervention or a fairy godmother might be of great assistance in this thing called life.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Monday, September 5, 2016
So often in the past few years I had found myself staring blankly at my hands... or at the floor... for the most part accompanied by a feeling of despair and tears... Recently I realized, in a given moment, that I had been looking up at the ceiling instead.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
Oh... thou art humourous... The wacky, humourous universe never fails...
It seemed as though a Metallica song had perhaps played out in my life... but perplexingly, I was squished like a little fly on the wall... Then, I typed some words to reflect this here, and I realized today that almost two weeks to the day, I deactivated my Facebook account. Pretty funny...
The other funny part is that in the time that I have been off of Facebook, I have on at least four or five occasions, happened to look at the clock, whether it be on the kitchen stove, cellphone or laptop, morning, or night, at 11:11, and also 1:11. This used to happen with more frequency starting about five years ago, but had faded out in the past year or two. I know there are some theories as to the significance of this occurrence, however I am not inclined to take stock in any one of them just yet. I just approach it as a twilight zone moment being that it is rarely, if ever, one of divine enlightenment. (Today would have been a double-whammy, as I happened to look at the time at 11:11 and then 12:12, which oddly enough is exactly 1 hour and 1 minute past 11:11.)