There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you– – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.
When I said "a penny for your thoughts"... the term "Pennies from Heaven", never even crossed my mind, and even though I had heard it before, I had never given it much thought. Then... the other day... I came across this in my Facebook travels.
I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground
But it’s not just a penny
This little coin I’ve found
Found pennies come from heaven
That’s what my Grandpa told me
He said, “Angels toss them down”
Oh, how I loved that story
He said when an angel misses you They toss a penny down
Sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of a frown
So don’t pass by that penny
When you’re feeling blue
It may be a Penny from Heaven
That an Angel’s tossed to you.
There is no reason whatsoever for me to be up at the ungodly hour of 7:30AM on Christmas norning... None. And to be THIS awake? Ridiculous. It has been a while since I've felt this awake, especially after less than four hours of sleep.
Funny thing... I wrote this (a line from a movie) a few weeks ago and never bothered to change it.
Oh, and... this little gem, I bought as a joke a couple years ago as a gift, but it is still hanging around the kitchen.
Well... I did it... I finally finished cleaning the dining room and kitchen AND tidied up the laundry room. Massive amounts of stuff have been trucked back upstairs again. Two years worth of crap shuffled about and moved in a relatively short period of time. In the midst of doing that, every once in a while I would add a splash of Christmas in the dining room and kitchen, as well as outside... I cut some branches/ fronds from the fir and cedars in the yard and stuffed those into a couple urns to add some festive greenery. I did end up bringing in the sad looking tree I had dug up from the garden, and it sat naked in the corner of the dining room for a few days until I decorated it on Saturday. A couple sections I tied together with twine, another I tied to a strand of lights with fine silver thread, and another completely bare section I twist-tied a fake branch to. I attended to last minute cleaning up of small stuff last night and today, just in time for company. Haven't had anyone over to actually sit down and visit for ... four years? Has it been that long?
Anyways... it would appear that I am easing up on my not hugging. That would be... six today... Geesh.
Once again, I couldn't do much this year, so some thought had to go into what I could do for gifts. There have been a few times when I've been cleaning up down here and getting Christmas decorations down from upstairs when I've had those "what's the point?" moments, when my eyes have been so dry and tired, my brain burning. I stilll don't know what I'm going to do with my life, still don't know how I'm going to pay all the bills, still don't know what the point of it all is, but as I sit here typing this on Christmas Eve... now Christmas, in an empty house, filled only with the sound of my fingers hitting the keys and Christmas music in the background, tears welling up in my eyes, no dream, no future, but... I'm still here, and that's something.
Merry Christmas to you and those missing loved ones. May your future be merry and bright.
A few months ago, I wrote about a very unusual dream I had two years prior. The image above, something I came across on Facebook, seems to encapsulate the imagery behind that dream, but without the blue tones, darkness, table and centerpiece. It was ... simpler.
Cleaning up again and doing some Christmas stuff this evening, I decided to go upstairs and grab this to listen to, which was part of the crapload of my stuff that I packed up and brought from ye olde parents house a few months ago. As I listened to all four CDs (but never finished everything that I was working on), a whole bunch of songs came flooding back. The funny thing is that I was thinking of trying to sell the box set, but now I'm having second thoughts. My memory is pretty poor to say the least... I didn't realize all that I had forgotten.
No, there's no snow here yet. I was looking through some old polaroids I had taken after I moved here, and came across this one, from the backyard facing west. I'm quite surprised at how the colours turned out.
Had in mind a cartoon with a black cat that had tears welling up in its big eyes, and this one was suggested by T1G. I went agoogling and found the video, but I don't think it is the one I was thinking of. It did however, take me back to the correct time-space.
You want me... You need me... You'll love me. You must have me. You know you want me. It called to me... and I gave in. I couldn't resist. And I regretted it as soon as I walked out the door. Now it sits smugly waiting for me.
Freshly ground Sea Salt with thyme, freshly ground black peppercorns, an onion, a cup of baby carrots, one big potato, some oregano and hot pepper flakes... and a red wine. I went with a 2002 Trapiche Merlot Malbec from Argentina that has been sitting in my kitchen for several years collecting dust on a small shelf in the corner.
I overdid it. Too long cooking. I didn't shorten the cooking time enough, so it didn't come out succulent and moist and tender as I was thinking about yesterday. Well... for a rookie with a CrockPot and a Peppercorn Beef Roast, even with the overwelldoneness, it actually tasted pretty good. Spicy... peppery... and I think that wine was a pretty good choice with the peppercorns. I split it up so that some of the beef is in a bowl with the veggies and the rest is sliced up thinly and soaking up the "gravy"... Tomorrow it should be more moist and flavourful... Perfect with crusty bread... with butter, but I'll settle for margarine... because I have ... beef...
It is hard to explain where I'm slipping away to, or what exactly seems to be calling me. There has been a general lack of interest that has been building for some time, which has been coinciding with the lack of thoughts, together with the fading and drifting feeling. I can't really say that I have been lured away by Facebook, because I was already having issues with insufficient thoughts for writing anything of substance long before I started that. Am I drawn in by pretty pictures, humourous tidbits and inspirational quotes, or is it just because it is less involved... Or... perhaps it will provide a nudge for the reality of my existence.
Struggling with the reality of my existence... Yes.. Because I was defined for so long by what I did, it is as though I no longer exist. What I was is no longer what I am. I no longer serve the purpose that I once did. How sad is that? That a job, not a career, a job... and an office job at that, can be your sole reason for being for more than half of your life? It was what I let it become, and it became me. Sure, when that ended rather abruptly after more than twenty years, I recreated me immediately thereafter, but then that me died too after a couple years. I realize that if you don't have a purpose, then you have to want something... anything. To do something, to have something, to be something. If you have no purpose... if you have no wants, then you must resign yourself to existence, for living is beyond you. You must resign yourself to existence... or die. If ever there was a dream... or a desire for something more, you get to the point when you can no longer see them or think them and they become as a far distant memory. Something that is no longer a promising future, but a fading past. If you have no dream nor desire, then you must accept things the way they are and fall through the cracks of life. If you do not want something more, then you will die alone on a cold floor in an empty house.
I wrote that with tears in my eyes, but looking up across the room, by the kitchen window I see two roses blooming. It is not that they are inspiring nor that they give me some measure of hope, but I look at them with a sense of wonderment. It had been starting to freeze at night, so ten days ago I had brought them in the house, as buds, not expecting nor hoping that they would bloom, but wondering if they would. And ... they did. What does this mean? I don't know. Such a simple thing. Something from my garden that should have withered away and died, but didn't.
As I sit here thinking about this, I realize, and not for the first time, that I am more likely to do something if it is for someone else, than if it is for me. Does that make sense? If it is just for me then why bother? I struggle with getting my life in order, with living life, because it would be doing so just for me. In some strange twisted way, perhaps it is that I don't think I'm worth the effort. I'm not useful or essential to anyone, I do not serve a purpose, I do not create anything nor provide any service, so why am I here? What is the freaking point?
That was the last sunny, warmish day in October drawing to an end, when the Peace rose was in full bloom. I figured the last three buds wouldn't bloom as the temperature at night has been dropping to below zero, so I brought them in and put them in a vase near the kitchen window where there is the chance of some sunlight passing through. That was on Saturday. Yesterday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find that one of them had opened up. I just thought it was cool to have a rose from my garden blooming in the house in the middle of November.
Still trying to clean house. Yes, it is taking forever. It is not uncommon for me to get sidetracked and end up doing a task completely unrelated to what I had intended on doing. Moved some boxes back upstairs, labelled them and stacked them such that there is some semblance of order. I found out that I have seven boxes of books, not three as I had previously noted. I finally put the bookshelf in the bedroom in order, moved a dresser laden with CDs and videos (I had to resort to taking ONE of the drawers out, for fear that one of the casters might break), a small desk, and an armoire filled with china and glass stuff (I did so very very carefully, one millimeter at a time), in order to move one of the tables I had moved from the dining room to the kitchen, into the bedroom. Confusing? There is now extra floor space in the kitchen and bedroom, but there is now an orphaned desk sitting in the hallway. This is not an undertaking wherein one room can be completely done and finished before moving on to the next. Everything must be somewhat planned and ... I was going to say choreographed. The rooms are small and the closets miniscule, so space is at a premium. Yesterday I sifted through the basement... Found a box of stuff from my last garage sale... about ten years ago... I knew I had organized the leftovers, I just didn't know where I had put them. Ended up bringing a couple bags of stuff upstairs to sort through and also get rid of. All in all, once again, there is no one room that is tidy. They are all works in progress. At least now there is only one table in the kitchen, and there is no longer a printer sitting on it. (Nor a stack of miscellaneous paper supplies.) Yay!
I look at what I have to do and I tend to get overwhelmed. There is that saying "Don't sweat the small stuff." Well, in my case, it is the small stuff that ends up being the most overwhelming. Even taking into consideration the task of moving the furniture on my own, and in particular that one table, as I had lifted it above the corner kitchen counter and had the table resting on my head just before getting stuck with the angle I had previously planned the maneuvering of... Even with that and the momentary "I don't know if I can do this.", the small stuff is still harder to deal with. ("But... you can do anything...", so I've been told and keep trying to tell myself.)
Oh... I got a little sidetracked... Whilst downstairs, I found another box of CDs that I was going to get rid of and some more in the leftover garage sale box. I brought six or so up to take a listen to. Came across something that cracked me up.
It is a Mike Myers recitation from "I Married an Axe Murderer", a movie of which I have no recollection whatsoever.
Update: Wed November 14, 2012 2:44AM
Funny thing that I mentioned "Don't sweat the small stuff"... Came across this today on Facebook:
Not many things bother me. Not many things bother me for longer than a day. Most things are simply acknowledged and/or accepted as things that I have no control over. Something is still bothering me from yesterday morning.
I had bundled up in a silk turtleneck undershirt, a warm fleecy turtleneck, jeans, long boots, wool coat, fleece hat, and scarf as well as mittens, and walked over to the park. It was briskly cold, but not bitterly so. I found a place next to a tall tree, in the back, away from the crowd that had gathered closer to the street. People still arriving and walking through even as the parade had begun to make its way down the street, the high school band playing a song that has now slipped from my memory, the RCMP in red serge and the small remaining contingent of wartime vets. I was not close enough to see them, but that is just the way it is. The piper didn't play as long as usual and he made a noticeable mistake, the bugler made a mistake, there was a problem with the PA system, but these things happen. That is just the way it is sometimes. At some point after the service had begun, two women, one in her 30s or 40s, the other maybe 60 or 70ish, walked past me, up the sidewalk, a little closer to the gathering ahead. They began talking. They were talking during the playing of the Last Post. They were still talking during the two minutes of silence. They were talking until they parted ways and one of the women walked up towards the gathering, but did not go to it, turned down the other sidewalk to leave the park. She did not attend the rest of the service. Maybe the younger woman had just brought her kids to play at the park playground. Maybe the older woman was just out for a Sunday stroll. I have been trying to think of a reason... I have been trying to think of an excuse for their lack of respect... and I can find none.
Near the end of the service, the minister announced the names of the Honour Guard, four local cadets... I recognized the names, I know a couple of them, and I felt proud of them. Both my niece and nephew and one of my pretend nieces, were part of the high school band that played in the parade. I am proud of them too. Even as teenagers, they may not fully understand the meaning of the day or of the service, but I hope someday they will grasp its importance, and that of Honour and Respect.
I was thinking about Beer Sausage, Garlic Sausage (the coil from which you must remove the skin), Garlic Salami, Pepper Salami, Genoa Salami, Hungarian Salami, Mexican Salami, Aged Cheddar Cheese, crackers, French Bread. This was brought on by being in the grocery store after not having bought any groceries for over six weeks. I was in an aisle and saw a display of Brie and Camembert... Which is creamier?... Which has more flavour?... These were the two questions that popped into my head. I know I must have had one of both of them a very, very long time ago, but do not remember. I picked up the tiny package of Brie... $3.79... It was such a cute package, but I put it back. It isn't a whole lot in the big scheme of things, but ... but... I'd rather put that towards beef... or chicken... or... salami.
Oh... and last weekend, out for dinner with aged father, the special... I really, really wanted to have, but it was $18.99... Gah! Prime Rib, Mashed Potatoes, YORKSHIRE PUDDING!!! ... etc etc... I didn't read anything else after I saw the words "Yorkshire Pudding"... Heavy sigh.
A few other things on my mind lately... Burritos, Churros, Empanadas, Gyoza, Chili, Lemon Oregano Pork Stew, Sauerkraut... Oh yes... such wonderful thoughts to be thinking at 3AM...
This may be the first year ever that I am not doing anything at all for Halloween. I didn't even get a pumpkin to carve. Only a few years ago I did five or maybe even seven. I can't remember now. Last year I did one. This year? Nope. I didn't even open the Halloween trunk. No decorations in the house or on the front porch. Might be the first time ever that I don't don my usual sort of witch/undead outfit. I just wasn't feeling it. I might change my mind about dressing up though. You figure that if one feels dead inside, it would feed well the Halloween spirit. Doesn't quite work that way.
(Oh... and breaking with my no pictures rule, I am putting up a Halloween photo of me from a couple years ago, but I'm taking it down when the day is done.)
"Twleve years ago my body started failing, five years ago my life fell apart and now my body is decaying and I look like a hag. Yay! Still, it IS better than it could be.
How's your day?" (Excerpt from an email.)
Went to the dentist today. It all went well except that I need a procedure done that is going to cost almost $800, which I can't afford. One thing I could always rely on was the health of my teeth. Not any longer. It isn't a big deal in the big scheme of things, it's just a little bit disheartening. Actually, it isn't a big deal in the big scheme of things, but it IS a big deal in my life, such as it is, so today, it was rather depressing. Oh well...
The sun came out for five minutes... I guess I arrived just in time, but darn it, I didn't have the camera anymore, just the cell phone. Still, even though it's blurry, I think I lucked out. I wasn't expecting the aureole.... or the rays of sunlight sneaking in.
I feel bad not being able to think even a half-formed thought or write anything remotely resembling the real writing of words. This has been going on for quite some time, which has been a concern. So, in lieu of what I can't seem to grasp nor find in my own head, I give you some oddly fitting reflections via Facebook.
Hmm... I didn't realize that a week had passed since I did this this or that post, to which I had ONE response. (Thanks DaveO!) Was having trouble choosing a couple tonight, but here goes:
1. Lasagne (Because of the added bonus of melted cheese.) 2. White Wine (Because it is easier to find a White Wine that tastes half decent than a red wine, plus... it includes Champagne.) 3. Burrito (Because you can buy them frozen and nuke them. Plus... refried beans and cheese.) 4. Tea (Because there are more options with tea, and it can be imbibed also without dairy if need be, whereas coffee just can't.) 5. Shepherd's Pie (Because it just IS better.) 6. Pizza (This was difficult, but you can cover all four food groups in Pizza.) 7. Noodles (Again, more options than with rice... and because... instant Ramen.)
8. Dried Apricots (Funny, I prefer Dried Apricots over fresh, but I prefer Grapes over Raisins.)
(Cinnamon Sugar... need I say more? How about Chocolate covered, Glazed, Chocolate Sprinkles, Raspberry or Lemon filled...)
Right now... 2AM... I have a hankering for ... pork sausages... And, the other day, it was flapjacks... pancakes... griddle cakes... those ones that mom used to make on the old cast iron pan or griddle... I don't know why I remember, but sometimes they'd come out really dark and sort of crisp on the outside... As time passed I became more enamoured of crepes and waffles, but man... I can almost taste those pancakes. Butter melting... syrup dripping ... peanut butter... Gahhhhhh! It's supposed to be bedtime!
I've taken more chances and risks in the past four years than I have in four decades, but I'm always me. I've also failed more in the past four years than I have in four decades, and only now am I questioning my judgment.
Hmm... a fall picnic... A little too cold, but still... I'm thinking... fresh French Bread with Butter, Homemade Peach Jam (I just received a jar the other day), Aged Cheddar, Boursin, Pepper Salami (Beer Sausage?), Apple Cider from the Okanagan and Earl Gray Tea, piping hot. And... maybe some Ginger Cookies... or... Oatmeal cookies... Did I miss anything? Sigh...
A few more pictures I took of the Peace Rose the day before the weather changed. I went to check yesterday and it looks to be that the five remaining buds might not even open, as the temperature is dropping quite low in the evening and the days since have been cold and wet with no sun in sight.
I may feel or look like this, but without the beer.
Always liked this song by Incubus. "I Miss You"
HAVE I GONE TOTALLY DAFT and SAPPY? Nope. I found this video on YouTube and it made me smile. i.e. "If I promise not to kill you, can I have a hug?"
Need a smile?
I have had the Minions "Banana" clip here for a few years, but lately it has switched to "Autoplay", when the blog is loading, but I don't see it in the embed code, so I've just removed it today. Dec 11, 2016