It just may be that this is funnier than watching Canadians who have won Olympic medals.
Monday, December 12, 2016
Sunday, December 11, 2016
Thursday, November 17, 2016
I feel this terrible guilt that has been building, for getting trapped inside my head, and not trying harder to escape. Not trying harder, period. I have moments when the grip loosens and I am able to function on a reasonable level in order to accomplish daily tasks out of necessity, however, on a day like today, the vise tightens and I am filled with the pervasive, ominous sense of futility. Nothing... then sadness... I can feel myself eroding.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
The word that came to mind today in regards to my present and ongoing state of being or condition, is "atrophy". It seemed the perfect choice, but then what was that other word, perhaps less common... "entropy"... So, in thinking that I may not have the definition correct in my brain, I went to check. Well...
1 : decrease in size or wasting away of a body part or tissue; also : arrested development or loss of a part or organ incidental to the normal development or life of an animal or plant
2 : a wasting away or progressive decline
2 a : the degradation of the matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity b : a process of degradation or running down or a trend to disorder
3 : chaos, disorganization, randomness
In light of my current, rather subtle in appearance, decay and decline in both physical and mental capacity, it would appear that both would be appropriate word choices. Only one thing remains to be said...
"To be or not to be... that is the question."
Thursday, October 13, 2016
I must find a way to escape this quiet, chaotic, swirling mess that is my brain. Or is it perhaps the fierce battle erupting between that which is my logic and the now more prevalent human frailty? If anyone were to see me at these moments, they would, if at all, simply see someone sitting quietly in contemplation, not this angst-filled, directionless castaway of the ship called life.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
In this cold, empty room
On this endless, empty road
When you’ve lost your way
And there is no end in sight
When there is no light to guide you
Or lead you from the darkness
I cannot help you...
I am with you there...
If I could, I would take your hand and lift you up
If I could, I would raise you up from this place...
But I cannot...
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Blogging isn't what it used to be. Well... life isn't what it used to be either, so I guess all is fair in life and blogging. Wait... what? What am I doing? Drifting, floating, meandering. Pleasantly struggling. The question remains. What am I going to do? It has been years now. Not months. YEARS. I have gained no ground whatsoever. No progress has been made. Personal growth perhaps, but no actual progress. Telling yourself "You'll figure it out." keeps you afloat, but doesn't get you anywhere. Saying "I need help." doesn't really help. I think divine intervention or a fairy godmother might be of great assistance in this thing called life.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Monday, September 5, 2016
So often in the past few years I had found myself staring blankly at my hands... or at the floor... for the most part accompanied by a feeling of despair and tears... Recently I realized, in a given moment, that I had been looking up at the ceiling instead.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
Oh... thou art humourous... The wacky, humourous universe never fails...
It seemed as though a Metallica song had perhaps played out in my life... but perplexingly, I was squished like a little fly on the wall... Then, I typed some words to reflect this here, and I realized today that almost two weeks to the day, I deactivated my Facebook account. Pretty funny...
The other funny part is that in the time that I have been off of Facebook, I have on at least four or five occasions, happened to look at the clock, whether it be on the kitchen stove, cellphone or laptop, morning, or night, at 11:11, and also 1:11. This used to happen with more frequency starting about five years ago, but had faded out in the past year or two. I know there are some theories as to the significance of this occurrence, however I am not inclined to take stock in any one of them just yet. I just approach it as a twilight zone moment being that it is rarely, if ever, one of divine enlightenment. (Today would have been a double-whammy, as I happened to look at the time at 11:11 and then 12:12, which oddly enough is exactly 1 hour and 1 minute past 11:11.)
Monday, August 1, 2016
Traces of me in Haiku by Metallica...
"Curse the day is long
Realize you don't belong
The funny thing is that I have listened to these songs so many times before, but never caught this until now, and it is so perfectly fitting for me in the now, as well as where I have always been.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Hadn't looked at horoscopes online for quite some time, but went agoogling and clicked a few things. I cracked open a fortune cookie and woke up the Chinese Fortune Dragon, the latter of which revealed "A book tightly shut is but a block of paper."
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
I sit quietly in the darkness and I become one with the nothing that surrounds me. I breathe in the silence and become a shadow within the darkness. As I inhale the silence, the well of my soul fills with tears for all that I am not and for all that I will never be. I scream silently as I battle my demons for a future I cannot see.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
... when I wrote the caption underneath the header for the blog six years ago... "Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.", how much insight I had into myself and how much truth and impact those words would hold in my future. This can be seen throughout what I have written, once again particularly evidenced by my most recent posts. I scared myself last week, and it had been a while since that had happened, more often in the past fueled by self-inflicted fatigue and sleepless nights. This time it was different. I struggled with the very real possibility that my mind may not recover and that there is no foreseeable future... or any future for that matter.
(Note: And yes, I see the humour in it all...)
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Friday, July 8, 2016
... when the universe sets in motion an elaborate plan to make you believe something which you always knew to be impossible, then quietly pulls the magic carpet out from beneath your feet, and you plummet back to the cold, dark reality of your non-existent life?
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
For some reason, earlier this evening, an actor, who as far as I can recall, I may have first seen in this movie, came to mind. I was thinking that there is no other quite like him. That was it. Then an hour or so later, this came up, which just seemed rather odd, timing-wise:
It's going to be really good or will suck, but either way, I think I'll like it.
Oh, and up next on the sidebar was this... Looks ridiculous, but get a load of that cast.
Oh, and up next on the sidebar was this... Looks ridiculous, but get a load of that cast.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Interesting... Today in the "You have memories to look back on..." in Facebook, there was a picture of a Leonberger dog that I had shared. I went agoogling, and followed that with the Belgian Malinois, which then lead to the Groenendael. I had not heard the name of that breed before, nor did I know what it looked like before today. Apparently, I found him, the one in my dream.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Today is the first day of Spring. This means that another birthday fast approaches. I rarely wish for things, as it is just a day in the calendar of life after all. This year however, I made a quiet little wish, I suppose more like a smidgen of hope, for one particular thing. But alas, I already know the outcome.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Hadn't been on the blog for a couple days. As I usually do, I went to the overview to check the dwindling stats, and had to do a double-take, as I noticed "1 comment". Funny though, that I didn't say "oooh... a comment", I said "what the?" The blog is pretty much dead, hence the appropriate reaction. And then the sheer utter spamness of it...
It was a comment regarding this post.
Oh... and on a sidenote, my blog just had its sixth birthday. Woohoo... or something...
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Friday, March 4, 2016
I have often thought, at different times during my life, that there were just certain things that would never be a part of my life. As a kid, I knew I wasn't going to have kids, or get married. After a certain point, I knew I wasn't going to read any more books, nor would I travel any more. I also knew that I would never get to do anything more with the house. When before I had pictures and ideas, I just stopped thinking about it, because it was unrealistic. When I opened my shop, it was not something that I had always wanted to do or had thought about over the years, it was just an idea that came up and everything fell into place for me to do it. I got to be the creative me and it also allowed me to just be me, in the freedom of that environment. It was after I closed the shop that I wondered more about the personal aspect of my life. I guess it was following that adjustment, getting my first computer, and being online when everything started to unravel.
I have come to the conclusion that I wasn't meant for anything more. Life for me IS just about a job and paying bills. There is nothing more. Living in a small town with no room for growth or advancement, that is just the way it is. As everything falls apart around me, I go further into debt to exist. I have reached the point where I have no desire to seek more knowledge. I have nothing remotely resembling passion in my soul. (Not that I ever did.) I can help no one. I can barely keep my mind together. There is no hate. There is no love. One thing that remains, with its irregular heartbeat, is sadness. I contemplate many things as I lie awake in the dark, but as much as I fight it, eventually I still manage to breathe deeply and fall asleep at peace with myself, and wake up every morning new. I don't shower and wash my hair every day, but I still wash my face and brush my teeth and floss, without fail. I marvel at the mundane. I just can't seem to live is all.
(I wrote most of this the other day and finished it tonight, but once again, I hesitate. Apparently I have come full circle since I began the blog.)
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Monday, February 29, 2016
I had an odd dream this morning. I've been having an increased number of dreams as well, but unlike ones in the past, most lately seem like real life situations rather than dreams. This morning however, just seemed ... different. I was outside, changing clothes and/or putting boots on, and to my right, I saw a youngish lady walking with a bicycle, shouting profanities at no one in particular, and talking more to herself than another person. From behind me on the left side, a very large black shepherd approached and lay down on the ground at my feet. In doing so, he lay on top of my boot, so I had to pull it out from under him. Whilst bending down to get it, I said to him something like "be careful of that one". There was no sense of danger, or fear. I finished what I was doing and gave him a hug. I could actually feel the long, fluffy yet bristly hair. I woke up right then with a sense of calm. Thinking on it further, I wondered if it was a black wolf and not a shepherd, due to his size and the thick coat. I don't know.
Was this a dream guide? Was it an omen of death, mine or someone else, or of an impending transition? I did not feel ill at ease at all, so perhaps it was just coming to terms with my mortality.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
Soooooo... I'm not on Twitter, not even sure how the whole #Hashtag thing works. Late last night, I googled "spockgirl", saw a Twitter account for #spockgirl, and decided to take a looksee. Mixed in with her tweets, there were some directed to her hashtag regarding Spockgirl Musings. As I figured, most "spockgirls" are newbies, younglings, chicks crushing on Zachary Quinto, or those who want to be a female version of Spock. It does make me feel rather old, being none of these. For a brief moment, I entertained the idea of joining Twitter with my own handle, but I don't think I have enough energy to do so. I shall think on it.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Monday, February 8, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
Something caught my ear the other day whilst watching a movie. I'd seen it several times over the years, having it on both VHS from somewhen, as well as on DVD. A lot of military portrayed in the movie, but, it being science-fiction, I hadn't really paid much attention. From just watching it the first time, way back, I knew that Steve is a pilot and had applied to NASA, but was turned down. This time, I caught in dialogue, that he introduces himself as ... US Marine Corps. Later on, I see the wings on his chest. He also introduces himself a second time as US Marine Corps. I just found it odd.
(I think it makes a big difference watching a movie on a laptop that is right in front of your face, as opposed to on a tv screen, or in a movie theatre. Sure, you might catch things, but then you also miss out on the all around movie experience.)
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
My passport expires in 2017. The whole point of wasting money on the damn thing was so that I would actually go somewhere so that I wouldn't have wasted money on the damn thing. So far, no go. (See what I did there?) I guess when I was younger, I just figured that I would go places. I got my first passport to go on a high school trip to France. Two weeks. You had to get a new one issued every five years, so I did that. I went on two vacations in the 90s. After that.. nothing. And then on a whim, I decided to splurge on the new one in 2012, because ... I figured I was going places. And then more twists and turns in life (ie having to borrow more money to pay for things that weren't expected nor planned on) laid a heavy hand on any thoughts of travel. Last year it was the hot water tank that died, and then in December the washer and dryer needed to be replaced. Still haven't had the dental work done that the dentist recommended three years ago. Things don't look very promising. Oh... the other point of getting a new passport was the off-chance that I would get out to meet a fellow blogger.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Thursday, January 7, 2016
I had walked in the pouring rain. I was alone. It was a Saturday and I wasn't sure if I would go, but it just felt like something I had to do. I entered the hall, soaking wet, signed the guestbook and found a seat at the end of one of the tables. There were people there who I'd gone to school with, but, for the most part, didn't talk to anyone, and no one approached for conversation, which I was fine with. After all it had been over thirty years. The family had left a lot of time for mingling before the memorial aspect began. I didn't know who his parents were, but I knew immediately his nephews by their faces and posture. It was uncanny. An older gentleman sat down next to me and his wife across the table. Listening quietly to bits and pieces of conversations, trying to figure out who was who, I said to the older fellow, that I should know who he was, but that I couldn't place his name. He told me, and who his daughter was and that she had gone to school with the younger brother of the deceased. I said that yes, I knew the name, but that I had gone to school with the older boy (the deceased). Anyway, he was a nice fellow, this older gentleman, with a beaming personality, offering to get his wife and a friend a coffee, and even asking me at some point as well. The "celebration of life" began, with one of the brothers speaking, breaking down (I... me... was tempted to go up there and give him a hug... thinking to myself... why isn't anyone going up there to offer support?), followed by the mc, an old friend of his, all these years. I was impressed by how retrospectively comprehensive he was in his speech, and how held together he was. When he finished and the lights were dimmed, there were chuckles and sniffling in the dark as the images of life played on the screen. Afterwards, my shirt sleeve wet from wiping my eyes, I went to take a look at the in memoriam table of this boy I remembered from so long ago. I went to say hello to a familiar face or two, got a hug and had a couple chats before heading home.
I was reading the newspaper the other day and found out the details of a local fellow who had died in a vehicle crash a few days before Christmas. It was the older gentleman who had sat down beside me at that celebration of life.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Monday, January 4, 2016
Sunday, January 3, 2016
It is a new year, a new you. Right. Although, upon further thought, perhaps this is correct. I have lost who I am. Whatever was is gone.
I sit here with the remnants of Christmas dimly lighting the room. I stare at the ceiling. No thoughts buzz and rush through my head in this almost catatonic state. Ears ringing, a quiet turmoil fills my chest and I implode in silence. Tears fall slowly, mimicking the passage of time.