Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Broken...


In that dark time between time when Sleep seems more attractive than life, we lose ourselves in the serenity of a few fleeting hours. Often those hours are cut up into pieces and Sleep seems nothing more than a dream itself. Upon waking, we find that Life is nothing more than a faded dream, and in that moment, we desire Sleep more than we desire Life.

If we venture further down that path, we at times may find darkness to be more appealing than light and we might crawl into the darkest places our minds may take us. In that dark space between spaces when Death seems more attractive than Life, we lose ourselves in what seems to be a numb eternity. From that, we do not wake, we do not dream, we do not hope.... we are simply lost. Whether we are weary or worn, or both, we know only one thing....fatigue. If Sleep cannot save us, if Sleep has been cut up into pieces, if Sleep is the dream, then Life has become the faded memory. It is then that we do not care, we do not want, we do not need.... There is nothing to hold us, nothing to keep us... nothing at all. We see the floor passing beneath our feet. We look down at our hands, but they are not our hands. This is not life anymore. We are not living anymore. We breathe, we weep, we watch time pass so slowly it hurts.

You are not alone, you never were.
From my Sleep Deprivation Vault: July 30 2010 7:27pm

4 comments:

Inner Prop said...

I really hope you aren't sleep deprived anymore. You have a very bright and quirky sense of humor that is a lot of fun to read. I like your deep stuff too, but for your own health and happiness I hope you are getting your rest.

Spockgirl said...

IP:
I am VERY pleased that you commented on this one. I believe my "deep" thoughts frighten and worry (some or most) people, including myself, which is why I previously would have added a "please do not worry" disclaimer. I went there, but I am here.

Back when I wrote this I was going on an average of two hours sleep a day and that lasted almost two months. Twas strange indeed. I am getting more sleep now, just not as much as I should be... but then again, who does?

I like the fact that you can call MY sense of humour "quirky".

Inner Prop said...

I'm glad you put "From the vault..." on the bottom. From that and your more recent postings I thought you might be in a brighter place. I'm glad that you are.

Sleep is a funny thing, isn't it? When you're depressed it is one of the symptoms that you sleep all the time, but on the other hand, some people who are depressed can't sleep at all.

It is a huge part of our lives, but how many of us do it "right?"

I had a couple of years when I only got about 45 min to 2 hours a day, but that was because of my schedule and watching our children. Back then, when they napped I slept, then I worked nights.

It's rough and I think it dammaged the part of me that is a switch between awake and asleep. I don't know if that part can ever be healed or if you just have to learn to live around it. For me it means that I have trouble staying awake, but that could be that I still deprive myself of enough sleep. Like you said, who does get enough.

I hope for the best for you, and hope that your sleep is enjoyable and as long as you want.

Spockgirl said...

IP:
I'm glad you NOTICED the "From the vault".

I've had sleep "issues" since I was a teenager... so... a couple decades of dealing with it. And... the trouble with staying awake of which you speak... that is also an AGE thing. Heh. After the age of 40 there needs to be a mandatory "nap time" alotted.

It is pretty sad when one wakes up after sleeping and is more tired than when one went to sleep.