Yet another...

day draws to a close... 

So too another year.

 

The seasons change yet I remain ... in this cold and quiet place... missing that which I do not know.

Let us raise a glass to those who could not be with us...

Taking flight...

Interesting to note that just as the clouds were starting to disperse, a real bird (seagull I think) took flight and can be seen in the centre of the last picture.

Payback's a b...

... what?

(Views 44,859)

Curtsy to Chris P from I Know Funny.

Fading day...

I scanned in some pictures from around fifteen years ago, when I had a real camera and eyes that worked better. I'll probably post a few as I go. Considering the way this year has been going and my posts leaning, as well as the mention of my dreams as of late involving deceased pets, I found this photo of my dog to be appropriate for tonight. Neither this one nor the one above are very good, but I like how they capture the tone of the day... then, and of life now. In the one below, her stance made me smile. Down at the river near the old house, I think this was a couple years before she died at the age of 17.

A girl and her toys...

I think that perhaps all I needed in my life was something new to play with. It's been a while.

What do you do?

... when you want something that isn't good for you? Do you abstain, or do you have it anyways?

I dreamed of a place

something like this once.

YouTubeLink. (Views 1,167)

(It was many years ago, but I remember walking along a less defined path, then slipping and falling into the calm blue water below.)

Oh... but this... this looks way more funner. 

Both from the Borderline Sociopathic Blog for Boys.

The last one...

I went to bed early last night.. 12:30. Fell asleep with the lights on. Woke up, looked at clock... 5:12. Wanted to get a couple more hours in, but not much luck there. Sent off a couple quick emails and tried again. Got out of bed, looked at clock ...  7:12. Still had a bit of time, so tried again. Woke up at 8:01. In that short period of time, of less than an hour, I had had a dream. Yet another one as in the past few months involving people I know... I knew... and pets...  dead pets. In this one there were guys I didn't recognize and one I did, in a kitchen I didn't recognize, there were some guys who I didn't know, in the basement in desperate need of a bath, and asking for soap. There was my dog, who has been gone 13 years, getting ready to have a bath, then near the end of the dream, my mom, who died 11 years ago, resting in her chair, but in a living room I didn't recognize. And then... lying down in the middle of a coffee table (which I don't recall him ever doing) with a blanket and a piece of tissue paper (I think he loved paper) was the first cat we had that I remember. He died more than twenty years ago. Anyways, in the dream, I was very gently picking him up with the blanket. He was frail and dying... and I woke up with tears in my eyes. I know I wasn't teary eyed within the dream, the tears started upon waking.

He was the first pet that I remember, and the last one to appear in a dream.

Caught my attention...

I had written briefly about an upcoming movie, John Carter (of Mars). In one of the trailers, two lines caught my attention and I can't get them out of my mind.

"When I saw you... I believed that something new can come into this world."

"You are ugly... but you are beautiful."

I don't know... they just stuck with me.

Just in case...

Back here in the same spot as when I wrote that previous post, but somewhere between then and now there ended up being a family dinner here involving turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and brussel sprouts, with presents being opened afterwards.  Couple phone calls and I started peeling potatoes just after 6:30. Cooked the carrots, and as I mentioned earlier, the stuffing was already in the oven.  Prior to those phone calls, I was seriously planning on JUST eating the stuffing and the other side stuff.  Anyways, the cooked turkey, brussel sprouts and gravy mix, together with the family bearing gifts arrived somewhere around 7:30. They were gone by 10... I finished cleaning up the kitchen around 10:30...  Good thing yesterday I had decided to buy potatoes and carrots, just in case dinner ended up being here.

All dressed up...

with nowhere to go... not really...

Sitting in the kitchen by myself, twinkle lights on, music in the background. The kitchen table has been extended, dressed in red plaid  flannel with a tarnished silver candleabra in the centre. For company I have Shrimp Dip, Marshmallow Fluff and Apple Sage Stuffing. No turkey, no presents to open, but it is all good. I am not lying on the floor in a fetal position weeping...not that I would do that... just sayin'. I am still missing something in my life, but I am thankful for what I do have. Oh... and I also have Hot Calabrese waiting in the fridge. Yes, I went grocery shopping yesterday for the first time in about three weeks. Kind of went nuts, considering I was only going to get milk, bread and spinach.  You don't need no steenkin' presents... when you've got food. 

I have gifts wrapped and waiting for family and friends whenever it is that I see them.

Merry Christmas one and all.

Quiet reflection...

Just a thought...

going out to those missing loved ones today, and to honour the fallen since last time:

U.S. (Cali (3), Fla (2), Wa, Va, NJ, NC,

         Idaho, Mich, Ore, Tenn)

UK (5)

Poland (5)

The power of music...

Considering where my head has been at lately, I would have to say that the power of music is an amazing thing. Doing housework and putting laundry away earlier (or last night if you want to get technical), I found myself sort of ... um... dancing down the hallway to this. (Views 2,777), which was followed by this one.  (Views 261)

I don't know why...

I stayed up cleaning the entire kitchen until 4AM, just like the good old days when there weren't enough hours in the day. I WAS tired, but now however, I am not. Showered, in my PJs, sitting in bed with the laptop on the pillow. I have been remiss in my blogging lately, just struggling with myself, life (or the lack thereof), thoughts and words. I have to wonder if I am retreating back into myself again or if this is actually a step forward this time. It is hard to say, but I think it is different than before, when at times I felt like stopping writing altogether. I now find that I want to write, but the words aren't forthcoming. The moments wherein there might be something to write about seem to pass too quickly. Or I want to write something meaningful but can't keep my eyes open.

Now, why did I stay up so late cleaning the kitchen? I have no plans for Christmas dinner. I have no food... I haven't bought groceries in almost three weeks. The fridge is bare. The oven isn't working, although the convection oven is, but isn't working properly. I finally paid the bill for the furnace repair, and have been holding off with getting the oven checked, even though I'm quite sure I know what the problem is. But heck... the kitchen is tidy, for the first time in ... a rather long time. The storage boxes are gone, the paperwork cleared away, the excess auction items moved out, and there are twinkle lights on garlands with paper snowflakes and vintage ornaments which I hung up tonight. I don't know why. Maybe ... just because.

Evil little bastards...

are these. But... dammit they were good. 

Insignificant...

I've been dipping into the putrid pond of despair again. I had been skimming along the surface for a while, but these last few days something keeps drawing me back down. I kind of half-heartedly joke that I'm not going to make it through the winter, but at times like this it doesn't really feel too far from the truth. I have not only lost my way... there is no road.

Wasn't too sure...

... about how this would translate, but caught my first glimpse today. (Views 792,927) Have to wait and see what I would figure to be the biggest test... at least from what I remember. I found the box in which it has been residing and may have to see if I can revisit it after all this time. I think I've had it for over thirty odd years now.

Little Evil Mini Me almost forgot

again...

Curtsy to T1G.

Update: 4:44... Oh yeah...  and now I can't sleep. Fell asleep some time after 9pm tonight, woke up after 11...  That really worked out well.

Ooh... fun in the snow...

Considering that I have mentioned "drifting" here before, how could I resist this? Now that looks like fun.

YouTubeLink. (Views 185,002)

From here.

Kinda makes me wonder... have I always had a thing for tanks?

Last of the Dogmen...

Found a video upstairs that I had been wondering what had happened to. Hadn't watched it in years, so put it on whilst cleaning up the room in which the tv resides. Also wrapped a couple presents on the side. One particular line caught my attention, but I didn't stop the movie at the time, so after the whole thing finished, I had to rewind to where I thought it was. Missed it by about twenty minutes. Anyways, the other day I had mentioned a fortune cookie with something about my horizon. Tonight, the line was:

"What every one of us looks for and what damn few of us gets to see ... that's just what's over the horizon. The trick is, to know it when you see it... Even bigger trick... to know what to do about it."

I think I might have had a thing for Tom Berenger once, but damn he is old! However, the only movies of his I could immediately recall were "Someone to Watch Over Me" and "Sniper". I had forgotten that he was in Platoon.  Actually, looking at his filmography, there are quite a few shows that I seem to have forgotten he was in. I guess his blue eyes just weren't pretty enough.

Silent monks sing...

YouTubeLink.

I had seen a few versions of this particular song done in this manner, but this was by far the funniest one. Courtesy of Edna.

A black comedic thought...

came to mind this evening, that I probably shouldn't share. Was doing some house cleaning and even though I was making progress, you couldn't tell by looking at the room. I had the rather darkly funny thought of my cold, lifeless body lying on the kitchen floor, with this song playing on repeat in the background. Yeah... kinda weird, I know.

Where the heck?

... are the Faroe Islands? I had no clue... but it is kind of cool. Learn something new every day...  Fascinating bit in the demographic section... male lineage 87% Scandivanian, female 84% Scottish/Irish.

Hmm...  something else interesting I noticed. The coat of arms is a ram? Aries symbol is... a ram. In the Chinese zodiac, I was born in the year of... the sheep. And... this has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Funny thing, last night was treated to Chinese food and the fortune cookie said:

Ya think? Next thing you know, I'll be blogging from somewhere in the middle of the ocean between Scotland and Iceland.

A little rustic...

The other night on the way to my obligatory sporting activity, I noticed that the house on the corner had pruned their holly bush and evergreen. They neatly pile their cuttings and have a cute little sign that offers the branches for free to any passerby. Walking back afterwards, I picked out two holly branches, although it was rather hard to make them out in the dark, took them home and left them on my back porch to use "for something". Four days later I noticed them still waiting patiently there, so with clippers in hand and a small urn that had been sitting idle by the back door, decided to put that something together. I realized that there wasn't enough holly to fill the urn, and for a moment, just a moment, I was at a loss... But... "doh"...  big fir tree in my yard... hello!

Not having a real tree in the living room (for the third year in a row) kind of hit me a little more this year for some reason. The other day, I had an inkling... a vision... perhaps even a little ache, to decorate a real tree with paper snowflakes.  Seems that something a little rustic was what I needed.

Flannel shirt, hiking boots, matching nose rings?

Heh... no that doesn't involve me... it's in the song... 

Hadn't been listening to music as often as I used to. I do enjoy the silence, but I think that sometimes I forget that I need the music to keep me feeling alive, as opposed to the alternative, which is where I find myself a fair bit. Anyways, this evening I was feeling tired, but felt that I should be doing more, so I popped in some classical, which didn't last very long, the Roots of Acid Jazz, some Charlie Brown Christmas music (again), and another CD from the "getting rid of" section. It was a compilation CD and actually had a few cool songs on it, some of which I do remember, but most not. This is one of the "not" ones, but it cracked me up hearing it tonight.

I had a dream...

... this morning.

I was walking towards a group of people in a wedding party, the bridesmaids in orange dresses. I'm not particularly fond (understatement) of orange, but these were a beautiful hue. For some reason I had a happy coloured red dress on. (I very rarely wear much colour.) I'm not even sure if at that point I knew who was getting married, but I stopped to chat, as these were old school friends. Then I noticed the amazing textured fabric of the wedding gown. The bride turned around with a big grin on her face, as she always did when we were younger. We talked a bit and laughed, and ended up sticking our tongues out at each other the way little kids do, before hugging and saying goodbye. I continued on my way, and woke up, almost uplifted.

The thing is...  that friend died 25 years ago.

The beauty of ...

It is a sad thing to say that I am Canadian, but I don't skate. I haven't been on the ice in probably thirty years. If not on the ice, then would I rather watch figure skating or hockey? Hockey. Can hockey be beautiful? Yes.

YouTubeLink.

From here.

I am Sunrise with a Goth Soul?

Just a tad conflicted perhaps? Or maybe the conflicted qualities balance out in the end?

What time of day are you?

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

Blogthings: Silly quizzes to kill time

Is your Soul Hippie, Punk or Goth? Of course I knew which mine would be.

You Have a Goth Soul

You are complicated, and it would be oversimplifying to say you're obsessed with death. You are attracted to the darker side of life, but you're also deeply spiritual. You are curious with the world, and you're probably quite intellectual. You like to study obscure topics. You are likely quite introverted and quiet. You prefer your own world to the world around you.

Is Your Soul Hippie, Punk, or Goth?

Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes and 3 Stupid Ones

This combination is actually kinda funny considering the mashup in the previous post.

Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows?

Nope... not this chickie here. But... saw it on the sidebar to a video link and just had to take a look. Made me laugh.

 
YouTubeLink.

Issues...

Um... Girl threatens to kill Santa and cook reindeer... Hmm...  Clearly both parent and child have issues, whether or not this is just a media stunt. Mother says child is not spoiled, but she best give her what she wants. Right. Daughter says she doesn't ask for much. Sure.

From DailyMail.

Strange indeed...

In a conversation today, an obscure reference was made... to the frontman of a band, to whose name I said "?" or something to that effect. The response was "Suicidal Tendencies/Infectious Grooves". Now... the thing is, I know both band names, but I don't know anything about them. However, here is where the strangeness comes into play. A week or two ago, I had actually listened to the one CD I have by Infectious Grooves, which was in the "getting rid of" stack.  I wasn't quite sure what it was that I liked about them, but when I listened to the CD, the song that stood out was ... get this... a cover of a Led Zeppelin tune. As for the music, all I can think of is funky irreverence... but ... no irreverence intended for this particular song. (Love the bass.)

Somewhere along the way, I had somehow managed to let it slide that I had heard the original back when I was a teenager. 

Another interesting bit is that Robert Trujillo, who, as far as I know is the current bassist for perhaps my favourite band, Metallica, was also the bassist for Suicidal Tendencies.

Twisting, turning through the never am I.

Oh my word!

Someone doesn't call you back after a date and you do THIS? Yikes!

I'm not quite sure...

how exactly someone found my blog by

Some things are hard to see in the dark...

My foot walked into a ragged edge pothole at the side of a road tonight, with an awkward twist and a rather audible crack. I was on my way to the obligatory sporting activity and a few steps after the mishap, I was tempted to turn around and return home. I believe it is the same ankle I twisted when I was a teenager and turned a couple times over the years since. However, I continued on my way with the toes having tiny spasms with each step... and.. I did end up playing on it, after rotating and testing it out a bit beforehand. Not too many twinges during, and it wasn't that bad walking home afterwards, but... after the shoe was off, and I sat for a bit and stood back up... hmmm...  A little bit of ouch.

A meditative corpse?

Was tidying up a drawer with some costume jewelry and whatnot in it and found a mood ring that I had sort of forgotten that I had. It isn't one from when I was a kid, but one I picked up many years ago because I had remembered them from the 70s I think, and just on a lark. As far as I can recall, the damn thing never changed colour when I wore it. So today, I put it on and after a short time it turned from the dark grey to a bright blue. Body temperature wise I was nice and toasty and warm.  It stayed blue for a long time and then switched to a bright green around the time that I could feel myself starting to get cold. Anyways, I had gone online to see what I could find, and came up with this chart. (Click on it for the link.)

Anyways, I had found that chart earlier and started writing, but didn't know where I was going with it until now. I had put the ring back on before I started typing for the blog tonight. It was blue for a while and now, as I sit here feeling terribly cold, it appears to be light gray but almost transparent.

Auto-pilot to where?

I actually kept myself busy today, which is a rather good thing considering my lack of motivation in say ... oh... a year and a half. I'm quite sure that I had gone to bed by, or before 2AM, but for some reason, even though my body felt warm in bed, I kept having cold spasms or the shivers I guess, and I couldn't fall asleep. The last time I looked at the clock was 3:04 and it took a while after that. I was awakened by the sound outside my window of a very loud and obnoxious car engine revving... at 6:47AM... on a Sunday yet. He did that for a short while, and then ripped, or roared down the street. Well, I had to be up before 8 to get ready to attend a craft fair, so needless to say I didn't get any more sleep. Got back home near 3PM, unpacked and just kept on keeping busy. Went online later in the afternoon for some leisure time, wrapped a couple small gifts, even wrote a few Christmas cards. Finally, when I was folding laundry in the evening, I could feel tears just starting to well up in my eyes. The reason? I realized I was on auto-pilot, just keeping busy, just like after mom died. But of course, different. I don't really think I was doing any self-analysis back then, at that particular time. Later in the evening, oldest bud called because she had remembered what day it was, so we had a good, long, catching up conversation, which we hadn't had for a while.

The other day I wrote that I felt as though my life was winding down as the year draws to a close or something like that. Now I see why. I worry about my future, but I see no future.

(Note: Technically the today I just finished writing about is yesterday now.)

12112011

Hmm... it was eleven years ago today that mom died. You know how you have a special birthday when the number of the day matches your age, I suppose this would be the special deathday. There seems to be something more about the numbers though... Looking at it now, I think it is because the number of the day matches the number of the anniversary, which also happens to match the calendar year. Maybe I'm just weird with how I look at numbers.

Winding down...

I don't know what it is. In all the years past, as far as I know, it was never really a big deal when it came to New Year's Eve, and the beginning of a new year. Except perhaps when we were kids helping mom with all the food for the open house. By the same token, as an adult, when everyone else was rather excited about the approach of summer vacation, it wasn't really all that to me, but rather a simple change of season. There was no anticipated "time-off" or planned playtime. It was just life (or work) as usual. You know how some people lose track of time during the day? I rarely do that. I lose track of time by the year, albeit after the fact as opposed to "during". I was just thinking that two years ago on New Year's Eve, at the stroke of midnight... I was sitting on the floor of my store alone, packing up the last few remnants to take home. The place that I had scraped and painted and filled up to the brim was completely empty, as I did one last walk around to make sure that I hadn't missed anything. I don't think I was even depressed about it. (That came a few months later.) Now... for some reason, this year, for the first time, it actually feels as though the year is winding down... my life, such as it is or not, drawing to a close.

The Island of Lost...

I wasn't really motivated but rather less disinclined to not do anything. (Did I say that right?) I've been sorting through things, trying to tidy up, throw things out. It has always been hard for me to just toss things aside... to get rid of things... because these were things that I could use... at some point... but never did. I also felt as though I didn't want to just throw things out that someone else could use, or that could be recycled at some point in the near future, or that would just end up sitting in a landfill for eternity. Now... I find that I don't really care as much. My imprint upon the earth is so tiny... so minute, even in the big eternal scheme of things, that my contribution to the landfill is ... peanuts compared to probably the other 99% of people who purport to care about the earth. And... I would hazard a guess that those people that purport to care don't pay recycling fees and garbage fees and property taxes, and... But I digress. What was I writing about? Oh... tidying up.

The other day when I ended up sorting through boxes of books, I found one that I had bought eleven years ago. Mom didn't get out and about much and for years, I used to Christmas shop and pick up things for both of us to give as gifts. And, yes, I even bought stuff for me. That year, I had picked up some books... of all things. This book is the one that I had asked her if I should wrap it up from her to me. I don't remember if I wrapped Christmas presents that year. I just know that I never read it. When I found it in that box, there was no emotion... just that memory. I think I remember crying over the book at some point years ago, but I don't remember when.

The book was "The Island of Lost Maps". I know that it sounded interesting at the time and that I have always had a thing for maps. Anyways, I started reading it that night I found it, but didn't get very far into it. Is it that my eyes are weary  ... or that they no longer work properly, or is it that I have no desire to read, or that the words no longer interest me...  I don't know. I remember when I was younger, in my teens and twenties, I used to read books into all hours of the night. I'd either be reading or writing, or sketching. The weird thing is, I don't even think I was ever sleepy. Sometimes I would be up until 4AM. Sounds familiar ... yes...  but it is different now. I want to sleep at night, I need it, but my body just hadn't been agreeing with me on that point.  However, it has been improving lately. I hope that this will help get me rolling and out of this rather extended funk that I have been in for the past year and a half. 

Unto you...

A wreath I put together a few years ago. 

I tried a night photo for a change, and as you can tell by last year's pic, I don't quite do the wreath the same every year. Oh... and on an interesting side note... I thought this was only the second year of my life that I didn't put up a real tree, but from looking back at posts, I find that it is actually the third year in a row. My how the years speed by but the days seem to take forever.

Not exactly sure how Christmas will feel this year... again. Not sure how it will go, but hopefully I will be able to afford getting the oven fixed so that I may enjoy a Turkey TV dinner... one of my guilty pleasures. I'm glad that I already have all the stuff I need to make it "look" like Christmas and that I am not crawling at the bottom of the abyss unable to do anything. It is a rather unstable Peace, but Peace it is.

Quietly chuckling...

"Well... sitting here... with all the Christmas lights on, listening to Charlie Brown Christmas music, just finished eating a bowl of Cheese Puffs, with a fork.... so my fingers wouldn't get all cheesy."

Sometimes the things I write in emails make me chuckle quietly to myself when I re-read what I've sent out.

Spread some Christmas ...

(I really like this gentleman (a retired Marine) ... and what he has been doing. Curtsy to This Ain't Hell for the video.)

... Cheer!

... or maybe NOT  (How ridiculous is that?)

.... or try harder. (Curtsy or not, to T1G for that lovely bit.)

A fine winter eve...

These were taken on the highway home the other day... The moon wasn't quite full, nor did the pictures quite turn out with my unsteady hand, but captured the tone at least.

The road...

There have been times when I would close my eyes and all I could see through the darkness was an open road.

When I first stumbled across a particular photoblog last year, I was initially struck by stunning photos from a couples' roadtrip through the U.S.. Today, there was another one posted from that trip which truly... truly speaks to me.

A beautiful day...

...  for a getaway.  

According to the perpetrator of playing hooky, when I pulled out the cell phone to take pictures on the way there... whilst driving down the highway... she said... something to the effect of "same old scenery"... to which I responded something along the lines of ... yes, but...

 

Tried out a new restaurant...

Oh yes, when I saw that #1...  I was very tempted... but I didn't.

Got to sit down and visit a friend's shop...  and spend some time with a little cutie...

And got a Carrot Cake Cupcake for later... that oddly enough, did not make it home.

Poltergeist?

Last night, standing by the stove, I had one of those weird, weepy, "what's the point of it all" episodes... again. I don't remember what I was doing, but there was a pointy paring knife sitting on the stove. I had picked it up to do something and when I put it down, it kept tilting back and forth, for what seemed a rather long period of time. All I could think of was "poltergeist". Each time it wobbled, it glinted in the overhead light. The next thing that crossed my mind was "what if..." and then "I'm glad it is facing away from me."

Tonight, out of curiousity, I picked up the knife and put it down on the stove again, but this time it only wobbled a few times. I just thought it was rather odd.

Sounds perfect...

Well, made me laugh anyways...

"Hope can solve nearly all of your problems today. Until tomorrow when all of your dreams will be dashed to pieces. Rotten food can be an unhealthy way to lose weight! Sing a song inside and to hell with the dark clouds that await you."

From Laughsend.

My f***ed up universe...

No... I don't mean that in a loud, over the top, emotional sort of way, just whispered quietly in an empty room. 

Sometime during the night, or early this morning, whilst trying to sleep, a line from a song floated into my brain... "Nothing's gonna change my world... nothing's gonna change my world". I had only those words and the notes that went with it... nothing else. I am guessing that I didn't sleep much, being that if I had slept, I probably wouldn't have remembered that it had been in my brain at all. Anyways, I went agoogling and found that it was from this song by the Beatles. As I listened to it, some of the rest of it then seemed more familiar, but I was curious so checked the lyrics and googled  the song itself as well.  I probably hadn't heard it in 25, maybe even 30 years, and definitely didn't know the name of it.

For the first time ever...

... I made a batch of chili that tasted like mom's used to.

I was rather surprised... because of the fact that I could recall the taste after so many years, and that I make it different every time.  

No... I'm not...

... going all soft and cuddly and fluffy. I merely agreed with the sentiment.

I would have to agree...

We have eyes with which to see the beauty in nature... and hearts to see the beauty in each other.

(from an online Fortune Cookie)

Just another Martian movie?

There has been a movie on my radar for a while now, but the first glimpses I saw didn't seem very promising, so I hadn't brought it up yet. In other words, it didn't match my vision of the comic book I remember. I went online tonight to see if I could find any artwork from the version I remember, but had no luck. I'm thinking now that the one I am recalling started off as secondary story at the back of the main comic book I was into. I still think it won't live up to what I remember of it, but it might be fun to watch. Might be.

I don't know, but to me the Martians seem a little too thin and insect like. I was picturing more muscles, akin to Goro from the Mortal Kombat movie. And... I'm not so sure about Taylor Kitsch as the lead, who I remember from his role in The Covenant and more recently as Gambit in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Hmm... interesting. I just googled him and found out that he is... a B.C. boy.

Interesting...

A silly quiz, but nonethless interesting result...

You Are Respect

You are consistent and steady. You preserve as much harmony in your life as possible. Tomorrow is a fresh start. You are often willing to overlook the past. You respect others - regardless of their beliefs of background. You are accepting. You are an advocate for the people and causes you believe in. You speak up and speak out.

Are You Peace, Love, Unity, or Respect?

Blogthings

Interesting in that I recently had a post called "Consistent... I am" and before that "Respect" and "Speaking of Respect".

Alone... not lonely...

Not really lamenting the fact that I am ending another year alone. Not being melodramatic when I say I'm broken. Just that I'm not quite working the way I used to. I have always been fine with being alone. There is a diference between being alone and being lonely. This is a small community, if I were truly lonely, there are several places where one can find other humans for social interaction. That isn't it. There is just something missing.

Now I am wondering ... if I lost a little bit of me somewhere along the way, can I still find that piece and glue myself back together?

The unicorn is dead...

Sounds like some sort of secret code. "The Unicorn is dead." I killed it. Accidentally of course. I broke its leg some time ago. Tonight I must have brushed by it with enough force to knock it to the floor. I saw it hit in slow motion as pieces of it splintered off. I've had it for probably over fifteen years, and in that time I believe it has gone on every Christmas tree, except for last year... and this. I picked up the pieces and found that all four legs are now broken off, as well as one of the wings. It is a little sad, but not any moreso than that I haven't had a real Christnas tree for two years in a row now.  The puny fake tree, garlands, wreaths and lights are up and I had them all turned on tonight. I find it very relaxing and peaceful, instead of just dead and quiet. I haven't been able to afford much of anything these past few years except for food, bills and jeans, but the Christmas spirit has not quite yet abandoned me... or I it. Somehow the soft glow of the twinkle lights provides a fuzzy warm feeling to soften the blow that things are still broken... I am still broken... and am ending another year alone.

Consistent I am...

From that journal I found last night.

Mar 30, 1991

A pale white halo rounds the moon

the night that I thought had come too soon

for I believed in daylight there are precious sights

that fade to nothing in the dark of night

As I lay awake in the light of the moon

I realized the night had not come too soon

for though the day brings sights to the eye

the night brings more than a darkened sky

He stirs the soul and opens the heart

He feeds the mind and bids time to part

Whilst the sleeping form in dreams shall live

Precious Hope is what the night does give.

Oct 2, 1991

Fate is merely a fool's reasoning to accomplish nothing. Destiny is as you will it to be in all your actions and inactions.

Oct 18, 1991

To love that which is beauteous to the eye is simple and sad. To love that which one cannot see is much more difficult and enriching.

To find peace in one's life is a wondrous occurrence. To create peace and harmony is the work of a great being.

To accept those around you and to work at improving life is the ideal human condition.

To understand those around you and to know there is always something new to learn is a progressive attitude.   

Oct 19, 1992

A clear Autumn evening when Orion shines as brightly as the chill cuts through deeply... 

Jan 19, 1992

I hope that what was is as far distant from what is as what is is from that which could be.

Feb 23, 1992

No one can thrive in mediocrity, perhaps equality, though not if that equality is borne of mediocrity.


So, all in all, nothing insightful or very deep, mostly random rambling and whatnot. One thing for damn sure... I am consistent.

Of books and the bottom of boxes...

Went upstairs to grab the outdoor Christmas lights that I put up on the corner tree every year. Three hours later, no lights, but I found myself sitting on the floor sorting through a box of books, which it seems I had been doing for almost three hours. I knew I had at least three boxes and that I had sorted them before, but ... but... good golly. Mostly books that I bought but never got around to reading, and books that I originally bought for the kids, but never ended up giving them... They are now both teenagers... geesh. A lot of books I probably bought on sale with the intention of giving to people as gifts, but most likely what happened is that I bought them too far in advance of the actual gift-giving occasion and ended up tucking them away and forgetting about them. Oh... and I also have a thing for boxes and chests and trunks, but that is another story. I actually have a couple boxes with just boxes inside them. All for future use of course.

I do have all the Christmas decorations and lights in boxes upstairs, but I could not find the outdoor lights with the green wire. I must not have returned them to their rightful place last year.  The indoor Christmas tree lights with the green wire are all in one box, wrapped neatly, even with the brown extension cord nestled in. The indoor lights with white wire are also neatly wrapped up in one box. Everything is in boxes except for those outdoor lights. I had intended on putting them up tonight, but it is nigh eleven o'clock, and no sign of those damn lights regardless.

Anyways, the last box of books that I was sorting through had some Anne McCaffrey, Mercedes Lackey, several poetry books - Shelley, Keats, Yeats, Poems that Live Forever... some books on religion (doesn't look like they've been opened at all) ... AND... some books from when I was a kid. My favourite Cinderella book and book on horses, my sketch book from 1985ish, and some others. I was pulling some of the books out to put on the bookshelf downstairs or to read, when I felt something odd at the bottom of the box. It felt like a hard cover. Underneath the paperbacks, there was a journal from 1991, a couple Star Wars paperbacks, E.T., some Laugh Digests and this. I also found an unopened 90 minute Maxell cassette tape from when I used to record my own mixes the old fashioned way. There was a tiny gold book that was apparently to record birthdays in, but was apparently neglected, however inside it, there were three concert ticket stubs...  Alanis Morisette (1996) $40, Bette Midler (1996) $105.50 (GAH!) and Metallica (1997) $38. Ah... I remember what I actually liked about the Alanis Morisette concert was the special guests, Our Lady Peace. I had a feeling that C.O.C. had opened for Metallica at one of the concerts I had gone to, but don't remember them at all. Oh... and also in that same box, was a book called "Seuss-isms". Anyways... I sort of tidied up the mess I made, and brought a bunch of books and stuff downstairs. I figured I had better start writing this down down before I forgot, and before I pulled out the ole magnifying glass and started reading. All I can say is that I wish I had read all those books when my eyes were working properly. Not gonna happen now. However, I think that for some reason, those books, at least the sci-fi/fantasy ones, are no longer part of my realm. In truth, I might not even enjoy them as much as I used to. Not so much as my tastes have changed, but rather my reality.

Then, when I made myself a hot drink and sat down to read some of the journal, this was on the very first page...

Mar 5/91 1:15AM

In the grey stillness that is a clear moonlit night, I lie awake in bed and ponder the very essence of my existence. I have lived and slept in this house for all the years of my life and in each stage or that life, I've fallen into a dull monotonous routine, so unremarkable with its lack of meaning that I may merely fade to nothingness.

Sounds a little familiar eh? Twenty years... twenty freaking years and the only thing that has changed is the house and the job...(ah... and the eyesight... and some death, but the house and the job seem to be bigger deals.)

Oh.. and then underneath that first entry ... I mention a band and a song of which I have no recollection whatsoever...

Mar 8/91 12:14AM

Listening to "Testament" - "The Legacy"

This is our world, not one man's

nor one religion's nor one faith.

Interesting tidbit is that this band had recently been part of a conversation in which I mentioned that I had one of their CDs in my "getting rid of" collection. I might even have said that they didn't have much impact on me. Hmm... I must go find it.

Update:  2:15AM This was bugging me, so I just went agoogling... I have checked a song called "The Legacy" online, but that bit isn't part of the lyrics, so I went searching through a couple boxes of CDs... finally found it in the third box. The CD I had was "Souls of Black"... checked all the songs, but no match. There is also an album called "The Legacy", but I thought I only had one of their CDs. Checked the lyrics online and nothing. Great...  another mystery.

Uplifting... and fluffy...

Something about this song... I suppose it has always had an uplifting appeal to me, even though it is rather ... fluffy.  Uplifting is good right now.

I first heard it on the soundtrack to the movie "The Truth about Cats and Dogs", 1996. Not bad romantic comedy, pretty good soundtrack.

Doesn't that just beat all...

It wasn't a penny. It was my ever failing eye-sight that thought it was a penny.  When I saw it sitting there the other day, I didn't pick it up. For some reason, I went to double-check and it wasn't what I thought it was. How freaking sad is that?

I've been here before...

Why in the hell am I not sleeping? It is after 4:30AM and my eyes are tired and I need to sleep. Then it hit me...  Perhaps I am not sleeping because I don't want to wake up.

I am so screwed.

Demotivated...

I was somewhat motivated to start working on the daunting task of the chaos that is the dining room/misc/office space, but for whatever reason, somehow managed to begin with the tv room/second bedroom instead. Needless to say, I didn't get very far. Anyways, I have a couple stacks and a couple boxes of CDs that are in the "get rid of" category, and tonight I thought I'd give a listen to something from one of those stacks while I was in cleaning mode. I popped in one of them on which there are no songs that I clearly remember, but a tune did catch my ear. I continued on sorting through some more crap, but gave up shortly thereafter, discouraged by the enormity of the massive mess. I finally ended up going agoogling for a link to that song, of which there were a few, but how could I resist this one. It provided a much needed laugh.

YouTubeLink.

For some reason, part of the tune reminded me of a song from way back which I had to jostle my noggin just a tad to figure out which one it was. If you listen carefully, you might be able to hear why. Funny that it is from the same year as a song I mentioned in a post a couple days ago, and the titles to the two songs are rather closely related.

That damn wall...

Not really a fan of the Dave Matthews Band, but this remix on the Matrix Reloaded soundtrack hit me hard (I don't know why) when I heard it the first time, and came back to me tonight as I hit a wall ... again. That damned "what's the point of it all" wall.

A penny for your thoughts...

Presence (by Isabel Ecclestone Mackay)

BY a sense of Presence, keenly dear
I, who thought her distant,
Knew her near.

By an echo that most sweetly woke,
I, long keyed to silence,
Knew she spoke.

By her nearness and the word she said,
I, who thought her living,
Knew her dead.

Isabel Ecclestone Mackay (1875 - 1928)  is a Canadian writer I came across last year in a book of poetry I mentioned here. I distinctly remember a poem of hers called "Halloween", but was not able to find it online, although there were a couple sites with several of her other works. When I had gone looking for that particular one, I came across the above and had saved it, not knowing quite how it fit in with my life, until earlier today  ... when I found a penny.

After mom died, when I was tidying up stuff around the house, I found a penny. Then when I went to do something else, I found another. Not with other coins, just single pennies mixed in with miscellaneous matter. This happened on at least four or five different occasions in a year or so. Two years later I moved to my house, and in the years since, after I had settled in, I would be tidying up and found a penny at least three times. Today, when I was cleaning up the living room, I found a penny at the bottom of a basket. I know for damn sure I didn't put it there. I do know that there were times when I may have been in need of guidance, or something along those lines, and that finding a penny felt like an assurance of sorts. Lately, I have actually found myself asking for guidance, perhaps even a prayer for assurance... and... I found a penny.