Auto-pilot to where?

I actually kept myself busy today, which is a rather good thing considering my lack of motivation in say ... oh... a year and a half. I'm quite sure that I had gone to bed by, or before 2AM, but for some reason, even though my body felt warm in bed, I kept having cold spasms or the shivers I guess, and I couldn't fall asleep. The last time I looked at the clock was 3:04 and it took a while after that. I was awakened by the sound outside my window of a very loud and obnoxious car engine revving... at 6:47AM... on a Sunday yet. He did that for a short while, and then ripped, or roared down the street. Well, I had to be up before 8 to get ready to attend a craft fair, so needless to say I didn't get any more sleep. Got back home near 3PM, unpacked and just kept on keeping busy. Went online later in the afternoon for some leisure time, wrapped a couple small gifts, even wrote a few Christmas cards. Finally, when I was folding laundry in the evening, I could feel tears just starting to well up in my eyes. The reason? I realized I was on auto-pilot, just keeping busy, just like after mom died. But of course, different. I don't really think I was doing any self-analysis back then, at that particular time. Later in the evening, oldest bud called because she had remembered what day it was, so we had a good, long, catching up conversation, which we hadn't had for a while.

The other day I wrote that I felt as though my life was winding down as the year draws to a close or something like that. Now I see why. I worry about my future, but I see no future.

(Note: Technically the today I just finished writing about is yesterday now.)