Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Emotional Crap...

On Christmas Day I had wanted to write some thoughts I had about anticipation, but I couldn't quite discern what I wanted to say. I had part of it written, but something was missing, until today as I was reading over what I had jotted down.

I have come to realize that what I seem to have been lacking was a sense of anticipation, that keen feeling of waiting for something... something worthwhile, something that has the potential to bring some sort of happiness. Was it because I had ceased to feel the anticipation, or because I no longer believed in the possibility of happiness? In the back of my mind, there has always been a thought lingering that something better was waiting around the corner, but as I kept walking, there didn’t seem to be any corner, nor anything better along the road. I came to the point when the little evil sitting on my right shoulder would say.... yeah... wait for it... wait for it... a piano is going to fall out of the building there and land on your head. However, I didn’t cross the road to avoid this disaster, I kept going on the same route. Perhaps that WAS the problem... Perhaps I SHOULD have crossed the road... Perhaps THEN, something would have changed for the better. But I think not.

I wish to clarify that the above is my figurative walking through life, but what follows is the literal.

On December 26th, I had gone for a walk to return the movie I had watched and on my way back home, sometime after 6:15pm, as I neared the tree at the corner by my house, I was gripped by an overwhelming sense of sadness for no apparent reason whatsoever. This is hard for me to admit, but I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I was a little (a lot) at odds as to why, but was thankful it was dark. It was strange. I went into the house and at some point checked my emails and had just one, but it was enough to lift my spirits, thank Gott. I didn't think much more of the sadness until a couple days later when I was checking in on the young man mentioned here. I was a little worried that something had happened, and then I read this.  He had passed away the night of the 26th. Reading what his sister had written was tough. I've always been a numbers person, dates, times, math, etc...  never really been big on emotions before this year, so in the midst of my blurry eyes, my brain was processing the day and the time... and I was taken aback. It is a coincidence, it has to be.

In trying to come to terms with all this emotional crap, I discovered fairly recently at a funeral that it is harder for me to watch someone else grieve than it is for me to do so. I guess this sort of drives that point home.

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