Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Resignation...



All my life I was in the cold
Now I find I feel nothing more
Leave me to learn
Leave me to hurt
Now I’m not so invincible
- Static X -

*****


The air thickens in silence. My life becomes transparent and I ask myself the same question, is this all there is to be? I lower my clouded gaze to the floor. I implode ... I die a thousand deaths... but still I write. I do not know, perhaps for comfort, for a voice that shall never be heard... a small, quiet voice in the corner of a room whispering nothings to no one.  Sept 2, 2010

***

If I accept myself completely for who I am, and I accept myself within the environment in which I have become firmly entrenched, am I not then on this basis existing in a state of Peace? Or... is it in fact a form of Death? Did I allow myself to become entombed in this life? A soul that has diminished through time mirroring the body in which it resides, that has relinquished its existence, to become a faded, dim light in the darkness of its own making? What is the difference between one who lives solely for personal gain or acknowledgement and one who exists solely to exist? Neither on its own merits is attractive nor desirous. To be in a place where seeing the sunrise makes you smile, or hearing one musical note forms a tear in your eye... where nothing else truly matters. Is this not by its very nature internal peace? Or... is it simply the Death of Life and the Acceptance of Existence?  Feb 25 2011

*** 

I sit here in a shroud of cold, bathed in the fading gray light as another winter’s day draws to a close. I am alone, but do not feel at a loss for company, but rather at a loss for purpose. I have been to this place before, but not with this feeling of inner peace. I have contemplated the reason and the purpose for being many times, but not with such a sense of both acceptance and resignation. There is no sound here but the quiet ringing in my ears, and a car that hums down the street... and the soft roar of a furnace that provides no warmth in the room in which I sit... and then, once again... silence...  Now, today... the sheer nothing of everything that is encompassed in that silence... the complete and utter emptiness... is... bearable. Why? I have come to accept the simple fact that once I complete the massive amount of paperwork and housework that has been accumulating due to my own failure and inadequacies...  my life, at that very moment... will be... complete. Mar 5/6 2011

***

So I am resigned to the fact that my life is both laughable and sad in its inherent... nothingness. I think I had always known that aspect of my actual being of nothing, but in my prior existence, it was required of me in order to maintain my independence and self-reliance.  In essence, what kept me alive was what kept me from living. Oddly enough, at the collapse of my said prior existence a few years back, when faced with an imperative, yet more appealing challenge, I had started writing thoughts, ideas and quotes in a journal. Today, I found this one:

"Things derive their being and nature by mutual dependence and are nothing in themselves."
Nagarjuna

Here we go with the damned "Interrelated Structure of Reality" again. It keeps coming back to haunt me.

4 comments:

thormoo said...

I think it's an incredibly straight forward and honest verbalization of where you think you're at right now. It takes a lot of courage to go to that place...I know how vulnerable I have felt when peeling back the layers of the onion peel that make up me.

I know from previous comments you've made and a comment you just made specifically about this post that this is really difficult, almost physically debilitating process.

I for one think that you will find that it is worth it. When I have gone to great depths of honesty in my own life I have never regretted it after the fact...I've regretted it during the process, wishing I hadn't posted that, etc. But afterward I'm usually happy I did it.

I am hoping that is your discovery as well...

Spockgirl said...

Thanks T.
Peeling back the layers, taking down the armour... huge deal for me. Sharing any of it with anyone at all after years of not doing so... huger. In almost one year I have spewed forth more personal sh** than I did in over thirty years. And my crap is not nearly half as "exciting" (for lack of a better word) as yours.

thormoo said...

SG-You know ultimately we each have our own Sh*t to deal with in our lives and regardless of what it is, it's always gonna seem huge to us, because it is huge to us! That is all that is important really...if it's meaningful for us, then do it.

So many folks think that writing so openly as I do now came easy to me...uh, no way! It got a bit easier to share as I kept doing it but there were so many times along the way where I wanted to bag it and just quit. Now looking back, I'm really glad I didn't..

I really think every single person has a compelling story just waiting to be told and that is why I like to read other people's perspective on life..like yours for example. I don't think a person needs to have so-called "extreme" stuff happen to them like in my life to have a cool and unique perspective on living. It makes me appreciate what a lot of us are doing every day on our blogs a lot more...

Spockgirl said...

T:
I don't believe my life in any sense could make for a compelling story, and this may well be simply because I have always been detached from it, or that it is indeed mundane, or both.