Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Amiss... a mess...

Something is terribly amiss... perhaps the universe is running amok. But.. I think that would be too easy of an excuse.  Amiss, amok, askew, upside-down, topsy-turvy ... basically... a mess.  Only problem is that it is ... my mind ... in this predicament. It is almost as if the most important, essential parts of me have been slowly sucked out of my brain through a straw and there's almost nothing left. What I was, what I am and what I could be ... all becoming one... all fading away... all being lost. Apparently I am still slightly broken.  Heck... I did sleep earlier...  for two straight hours (out of seven), that seemed like an eternity.

Yes... I know I've said before that I shouldn't write emails or blogposts when I am lacking sleep... but I also feel that I have been lacking substance as of late...  so... I definitely shouldn't be sharing tonight.... er ... this morning. Oh well.


thormoo said...

I was originally reluctant to comment but I think i will.

I like the fact that you are going ahead and posting. None of this is terrible, awful or embarrassing stuff...your just being honest. i know when I started opening up I learned a lot about myself and others. Quite importantly that I wasn't alone in the way I felt or thought.

I have discovered that when I wake up, even from a short sleep I often have this weird sense of doom. It would really freak me out but it always passes.

I do like your analogy of sucking the essential parts of the brain through a straw...very good description.

I think you are getting really good at capturing those thoughts and feelings now...and then transferring them accurately to the printed word. not an easy thing to do. I fail more often then I succeed when I try. Good stuff, you're digging deep and not just playing Scratch N Sniff with your own personal TRUTH.

Spockgirl said...

Glad you decided to comment. Your comments allow me to re-examine how I have said things. What you said here is sort of the point... I know that what I have been relating isn't "terrible, awful or embarrassing stuff" .. the biggest issue is that I am a private person and what I have been writing and sharing is very open and revealing... even moreso when I am sleep-deprived. Another issue I have is that I have no horrible experiences to come to terms with, so what I write might come across as melodramatic, which I am most definitely not.

As for you waking up with a sense of doom... My thing is that I might wake up and feel... nothing... but that passes as well.

And... this post was totally spontaneous... I could barely think at the time, but I felt I could not pass up that moment without saying something.After I wrote the brain and straw bit... I was thinking ... yikes!

As for my writing here... I have been trying to convey as much as possible with as few words as possible, which can be a problem, as you know. One problem is that people who know me in the real world read my condensed version and worry about me. There's just too many layers I suppose.

Again... thanks for commenting and hope you are feeling all right and will be getting test results and answers soon.

thormoo said...

One area where I probably differ w/you a bit is that a person doesn't need to relate awful or horrible experiences for them to still be deep, interesting and most importantly, helpful to others.

As you know I have had some horrific things happen in my life. But not everything i experience is like that. not even close. i too have had my days or more where i felt NOTHING. I think a lot of folks have.

I'm biased and I will admit it. I enjoy when people write what they feel, no matter who they are or what they do. I think human life experience's are compelling and that is why I find it helpful to read your stuff, Ryan's sports life stuff on Waxed Red Threads, Sunny's stuff on Sunny Sings The Blues,C. Alvarez's stuff on A Melancholy State and Basinah's stuff on The Crow's Song. All 4 of those examples are each unique and totally different as is yours.

Perhaps I'm just weird for wanting to hear what other folks think about this life and their life specifically. I do understand your hesitations because you are a private person who hasn't really cared to share things before. Another reason i admire you for doing so anyway.

OK, I have early tests tomorrow so I need to fly away to the dream world if possible.

Spockgirl said...

Thanks again T.

I suppose another way to say it would be that I never felt that I had anything worthy of sharing, so me putting it out there on a blog is like a double whammy to my sensibilities. To have anyone actually read what I have to say and to comment, especially on the "sharing" posts, was and still is somewhat of a shock to my system, but I am getting more accustomed to it as I go.

Hope you have been able to sleep and dream whilst you have been away from home.

thormoo said...

That is amazing you mentioned that you hope I sleep and dream whilst away from home. I am actually sleeping a bit better, still wake up all the time but that is one of the reasons that I am here: issues w/digestive system/bladder..etc. But the unusual thing is I have not had a dream since I arrived on Thursday afternoon. I wonder if I'm actually sleeping better because i'm NOT dreaming. Oh boy, another scenario to ponder!

Another amazing thing is you read between the lines in your last comment and hit it on the head: I was thinking that perhaps you didn't feel your life's stuff worthy of any one reading it. But I was reluctant to say that straight out so i shmooozed it a bit.

Spockgirl said...

I've been examining my sleeping/ dreaming issue as well and have come to some conclusions, but haven't yet written about it. I'm sure there have been studies done, but I usually don't fit in with the "norm" so to speak. But... one thing that is for certain is that we all dream, but we aren't always able to recollect it upon waking.

As for "reading between the lines"... I think I have been doing that since I was a kid...