Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The burden of emptiness...

I've known for quite some time that I needed to put my existence on this planet back in order, but one question kept coming back to haunt me... What's the point? For whatever reason, in the past few years I was given time to examine and re-examine that very existence and its meaning... and found... that there was nothing. The odd thing is that, in the process of it all, I became at times, one with everything around me. It was in those moments, those precious moments, that I surrendered myself completely and became nothing amidst the all, in which I found total peace, but lost myself in it.

In my "previous" life, my only necessary course of action was to work, to get as much work done as possible... to work late, to get more done so that the next day there would be more time... more time to do more, more time to do the exact same thing again.... My days were, for the most part, full... but I think I always knew deep in my heart... that although my days were full... my life was empty. In retrospect, I now know that I saw glimmers of that emptiness when there were lulls... when the work load was less. It is funny, if you think about it, how emptiness can be a burden. I suppose if my soul was empty and I had no cognizant thought, the emptiness in life wouldn’t matter. Zero plus zero equals zero. What I could not articulate prior to this time is that when it came to a point that my days were no longer full... when my days themselves were empty... coupled with the fact that my life itself was empty... I ceased to function. I was no longer a cog, nor a wheel, or a gear... I ceased to rotate, I ceased to move, I ceased to shift... And all this whilst at the same time having no hopes or dreams or goals or aspirations ... What else could I do but cease to function?

I didn't want to see, or perhaps I couldn't accept, that I had squandered the last little bit of my usefulness helping someone who in the end, could only think of himself, but couldn’t help himself. What do I have to show for wasting half my life? Nothing... not one thing. The saddest part is that I don’t know how it could have been any other way. Things happen for a reason... But what happens when there is no reason left? When no avenue appears... when no new door opens.... when all that remains before you is a wall, and there is no turning back.

It was not my intent to share the burden of my inadequacies with anyone, let alone here. For that, I am sorry. I am tired... cold... empty... and I quietly whisper to myself something that I have a hard time admitting...  I want to give up.

ps:  I'll get over this... I get over everything. This just seems to be taking a little longer than usual.


Harvey said...

"When no avenue appears... when no new door opens.... when all that remains before you is a wall"

Two words:

"Shawshank Redemption"

Spockgirl said...

Hmm... I haven't seen that in ages... I have it on VHS. If I were to watch it now, I'd probably end up crying.