Writing here for over a year, I went so far outside myself, that I ended up inside myself, looking outside, and basically.... inside out. Something that I said recently to someone sums it up fairly well. "... I've said so much more that is so far beyond the me who says nothing..." When I refer to my bluntness and brevity, I mean it. When I say the words broken, lost, cold, silence, quiet, solitude, peace, darkness, emptiness, these are not merely metaphors, their meaning is also truly literal... all of them.
Imagine infinite layers of emptiness. Layer upon layer of emptiness conjoined with peace and tranquility, silence and solitude. One water droplet from the kitchen faucet ripples the pool of calm. One pin drop shatters the silence. The world could end outside and I would not know. Layers of emptiness fill the void. Imagine then when sadness crept in, uninvited and unwelcome. Sadness then took the place of emptiness... and encompassed the void. I tried to rationalize the sadness, to find reason in it... but found no rational reason. Was it sadness for the loss of life in others’ lives? Was it sadness for the loss of self? Yes, I could analyze things to death and back again. Ultimately, it was this sadness or grief that lead to the sharing of words... and then some.
I was the lone hamster in my very own wheel of life... only I didn't like where the wheel was taking me.
Gradually I was able to remove myself from the intensity of the sadness, but still unable to focus on my life. Perhaps some other hamster's wheel looked more appealing than the one I was on. I don't know. I'm still going around in circles here in mine, so I haven't quite been able to figure this journey out yet.
As I was writing this, I felt like I was going to slide into a coma (metaphor for sleep), so I do not know if any of it makes sense. All I know is that for some reason, I had to finish it before I slipped away. Maybe I will actually sleep for real and... maybe, just maybe... dream of something worthwhile.
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6 comments:
You certainly have a lot to say, and take a lot more time saying it.
The worst thing about being inside out? One can't find wellingtons to suit.
Hopefully, your eloquent exertions expended enough energy to ease your mind-full meandering into repose.
Dave:
Yeah... I was not able to figure things out inside my head, so I took it outside. And, the necessity I feel for justifying my words very often supersedes my preference for brevity.
Ah... galoshes that transform into flip-flops... now there's a thought.
Flip-flops are for every season, but understand you Canadian folk prefer your water solid.
Dave:
Only if you're retarded, only if you're retarded.
(Oh... and I can ues the term "retarded" as a colloquialism, but also because, well... it is my blog.)
I shall assume you meant it in the French. :P
Dave:
Oui, bien sur, ou nyet ou nein. Wait, what was the darn question again?
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