I am lost. Completely, utterly lost. At any given moment, in any given day, if someone met me in person, they would never know this. When I knew what I was doing, in my former job, which was my life, for more than half my life, people knew who I was by what I was defined by. I was my job... and that was it. I knew that I wasn't going anywhere, but I was fine with that. I accomplished the tasks that were set before me in a timely, efficient, proficient manner and remained focused on what was at hand. Now, however, I am no longer defined the same way. I have been struggling to remember who I was. To rediscover who I am. To find who I was meant to be. Part of what made me so accepting of the way things are is part of the reason why I can't seem to move forward. Living life day by day is a wonderful notion in both practice and theory, but it does not function very well in the problematic matter of existing month to month. There are certain practical matters that must be dealt with in one's existence that cannot be handled by living life day by day. One needs to look towards a future of some sort. That is my struggle. The future. I cannot see a future. I do not dream a future. I never planned on a future.
When I was a kid, I don't think there was a time when I wanted to be a "?" when I grew up. I never knew what I wanted to be. I don't think that I ever thought of being anything... at all. I knew I could work hard and that I was conscientious, dilligent and disciplined, but.. in the end that didn't count for much. After forty years on the planet, losing what was essentially my life, I ventured forth into the unknown and tried something new and different What it boils down to is that I lost almost everything right after the first forty years and then I lost everything else after that. Now there is just me... completely, utterly... lost.
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10 comments:
You're not alone.
When I was a child I never knew what I wanted to do and now the stop gap job I started 10 years ago is my life. Working unsociable hours six days a week doesn't allow me to look further than the next bend in the road.
Today's my only day off and I'm too tired to even go outside and enjoy the sunshine.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
SG- In my own way I have faced the same, difficult "crosswords" as it were. My situation was different of course but having a career that was my life for 25 years, a great job, great pay was suddenly not there any more and I hadn't a clue what to do...
In the recovery world we often use the term one day at a time and that often gets mis-interpreted as living day by day which quite literally is impossible to do and live a responsible life since bills must be paid, food provided and a future somewhat planned for.
That statement to me has been more about living into today not projecting ALL the time into the future or living in the past.
I don't know the circumstances of your changes, if your previous job was no longer available or if you made a choice to change but when i sobered up I essentially was faced with a similar situation, my job of 25 years, my career was gone. And I ended up doing a lot of different kinds of work to stay afloat. I hated that time in my life, now looking back 4.5 years I can see how it benefited me but I sure didn't see it then.
I eventually adjusted over time to my new set of circumstances and things started to changed for the better but it was hard. I feel for you because it isn't fun when all you know suddenly isn't there any more....
Paul:
All too familiar. I started a job in the summer for something to do until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Twenty odd years later... was still there, still didn't know. Back then, it was day to day, now it is day by day.
As for you... "too tired to even go outside and enjoy the sunshine"... It was only after I lost my "livelihood" that I realized how valuable it is just to be "in" the sun. (On a side note, if you are going to sleep in the sun, make sure your skin is protected.) Of course, this might not work for you. Falling asleep in the sunlight is just something that has come easy to me as I get older.
T:
The basic premise of what you speak is the same as with me, but that my life has always been much simpler... less complicated. When I talk about that job being my life... I mean it... literally. When that priority was gone, the day to day living of my life at the time became day by day living wherein I just went with the flow of things. I suppose I trusted that I would be able to figure out how to keep going even after hitting a few snags along the way.
Still don't know what I want to be when I grow up and get big. But this job has been a pretty good fit... and it is pretty much my life, my co-workers my adopted family.
Funny, when you consider that after my last job, doing the same thing, and which I hated, I'd sworn never to do this work ever again.
T1G:
Are you sure you want to grow up and get big? Snarfle.
There is what one is, and what one does.
When there is joy in the doing, one associates the self with the action.
When there is guilt in the doing, one says 'don't judge me.' This disassociation is strong.
One is not what one does, but is instead the joy or the guilt in doing it.
Life begins once the passions of youth have been assuaged.
From the extreme outside looking in, I perceive joy in photography, in commentary, in the cultivation of the gardens of the yard, the mind, and the soul. These are not little things, or little nothings.
So, lost may be apt, but perceptually you've drawn a map forward. From there: ?
2 cents, American, please don't spend in one transaction.
Dave:
Ah...
Only if one has an existence of being separate and apart from the existence of doing. (Which I did not.)
No joy, no guilt, nor any passions of youth to assuage. (Love that word... it is like sausage, but suaver.)
You perceive joy where there is peace. Internal peace is joy without the encumbrance of passion or desire. Everything that I was became nothing and that nothing became everything. Although this "nothing" is of value as a human being, it serves no practical purpose in the necessity of existence. I have no idea if that makes any sense.
And... just so you know, it doesn't matter what the exchange rate is, coin is on par. However, with inflation, 2 cents won't get you very far. How about a Loonie? (Canadian... One dollar coin.)
I used to laugh at Loonies, and now they're worth more.
I respectfully disagree with your assertion that peace and joy are the absence of encumbrance - and yet passion and desire form the fundament of peace and joy.
Take, for example, your photography - there is passion in recognising that which ought to be photographed. Is there not joy in posting a pictorial abstract of your thoughts/emotions/day planner?
Dave:
What I said: "Internal peace is joy without the encumbrance of passion or desire." Respectful disagreement noted. I may have to revisit this.
In regards to photography, there is perhaps... just perhaps, a measure of joy in the sharing of creation.
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