Something came up in conversation the other day wherein I ended up saying that perhaps I should stop emailing and blogging, and just get rid of the laptop completely. I have been struggling with the uselessness, purposelessness and nothingness within me that is now translating to this wee blog of mine. The one outlet in my life that was somehow pulling me outside of myself perhaps has lost its spark. Heck... if I have truly lost my spark then how could my blog exist. It would be a useless shell, lacking in substance, somewhat akin to how I feel. Before, there had always been something, whether an outside or neutral force, or positive or negative circumstance, to urge me forward. Now that it is all on me... without a guide or nudge, I cannot make myself move forward, let alone keep my head above water. I also said that I still feel as though I was gifted with this extra time in my life to struggle with myself. But, I must ask... to struggle to what end? I know, I know.... it is the journey that matters, not the destination. But... the fuel gauge is hovering on empty, and the road is long, and I don't know where I'm going. Or maybe... just maybe... it wasn't a road after all... Maybe I've just come to the cul de sac of life.
As for emailing and blogging, and scrapping the laptop... this little gem is where I am at in a nutshell.
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16 comments:
The questions you pose in this post SG are biggies in my book. I too have considered what's the point or should I continue to blog. For whatever reasons (and they vary, depending on the circumstance, I've kept at it and never regretted it).
I know from reading recent posts that you haven't felt very satisfied with what you've been writing on the blog. I think that's going to happen in a blog situation where there is this underlying (or maybe NOT so underlying) pressure to post something EVERYDAY.
All I can do here is speak for myself...I learn a lot from what you have to say. Trust me, I have no shortage of stuff to read in my life (and not enough time to even come close to reading it all) and I read every single thing you post. But I understand that isn't the reason a lot of us blog. we do it for ourselves.
I suspect the reason you keep plugging along here has something to do with the fact that you are getting SOMETHING out of doing it.
Anyway, I wanted to say something here...of course I loved how you finished this off!
Yeah, the very end feels absolutely right. I'm doing two blogs, now, and it is an awful lot of work. But I'm motivated, and that's really what you need.
T:
I just find that I truly have been going around in circles, or, perhaps it is more like getting stuck in a rut, with the wheels spinning and just the same old mud being spewed. I'm sure you understand this feeling.
I know that I sort of grew "into" the blog, but at this point I'm not sure if I am growing out of it or pulling away from it.
Crosby:
Motivation and purpose are the biggest issues for me right now... in life. In regards to here however, I believe that IF I had a topical or thematic blog, I might be faring a little better. But, because I am sharing bits and pieces of me, I may be finding it difficult because there doesn't seem to be much of me left.
The nicest things about blogs is that one can leave them, or change direction, or change the tempo of posting based on where one is in life.
You've got so many varigated interests: music, pictures, movie reviews, and so on.
I appreciate you taking your time, and money (paying for your Musings' bandwidth and all) to remember my mates: Canadian, American - thank you.
Are you reaching a crisis point that would trigger you to throw all of this aside? I'm not reading that in your post. I sense more of case of inertia stemming from discontent.
Regardless, and regardless of your decision - thank you for posting what you have, when you have, as you have. :)
Dave:
"Inertia stemming from discontent..." Precisely. However...is it inertia from discontent or discontent from inertia. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I would say that the discontent you sense stems from the inertia in my life. This is an ongoing issue. Punny... inertia being ongoing.
And... thank you.
Or perhaps "going in circles" is exactly what your "supposed" to be doing right now. I've at times found important little "nuggets of wisdom" I missed the first time around...
thormoo makes a valid point. This presupposes the mind knows: 1) that something is missing in the equation; and 2) what that something may be (either as a form/concept or something more concrete).
T:
Yes... I had thought that as well, which is why I said that I consider this extra time given me to struggle with myself as a gift... to find insights into myself.
Dave:
I know what I must do in order to exist, it is just that I struggle with the co-existence of existing and living. In other words, in my journey to return to the land of the living, the very being of my existence faltered.
SG- Your right, you did say that but boy did you ever qualify it...i was just reinforcing the obvious I suppose but with lot's of comments like"Struggle to what end" and "fuel gauge hovering on empty" "road is long and I don't know where I'm going" ..I just figured I had to be a bit of a smart ass to shake things up.
In the end it's all a guessing game anyway...there isn't any certainty until the end...and I mean the END.
I know you don't care for it when I say I can relate to what your feeling but in my own way and for my own reasons I felt very similar to what you are describing here. As a matter of fact I had several "moments" even recently where I seriously thought about bagging the blog...it just didn't seem worthwhile to proceed any more.
I don't think that's a male thing or an alcoholic/addict thing...it's a decision based on intelligence and emotion: a human thing. I think folks that use their brain a great deal think there way into spots like this sometimes. We want to know WHY we are doing what we're doing, WHAT is it going to get us and HOW. Just my thoughts...I have a sneakin' suspicion you'l totally disagree but that's why commenting is so much fun, eh?!
T:
Yeah... I know I can relate to what you write about and that you can relate to what I write about.
One thing I also know is that you have considerably more that you have yet to write about, past, present AND future. With me, it isn't just about bagging the blog. One way to look at is that if I am blogging that means I'm still not yet moving on with the living.
You have been given a rare passage in time to.... reflect and savour as you navigate this next phase in your life. Your modesty does not allow you to recognize the many gifts you possess and know that whatever you have put your hand to in life thus far - be it sports, academics, work, writing/blogging, decorating, cooking/baking (the list is long) - you do with ease and grace and thoughtfulness. Folks from far and wide have appreciated your professionalism and you are highly respected by many. The fruits of your blogging efforts seem to inspire others, raise thought, evoke memories, draw meaningful yet sometimes bizarre comments, bring forth both laughter and tears...You make a difference without realizing that you do.
So now...
What inspires you?
What moves you?
What is your bliss?
Semper Anticus...
Perhaps it's the peanut butter now calling out to the little girl.
Twelve things to remember: 1. The value of time 2. The success of perseverance 3. The pleasure of working 4. The dignity of simplicity 5. The worth of character 6. The power of kindness 7. The influence of example 8. The obligation of duty 9. The wisdom of economy 10. The virtue of patience 11. The improvement of talent 12. The joy of originating
-- Marshall Field
Thanks for the very thoughtful words Big Sis. I know you are familiar with my bluntness and brevity, so I have to say that this was greatly appreciated, but perhaps a little excessive? A lot... or should I say most of what you have said here, I have thought about in great detail and pondered both aloud on the blog as well as in my head (like a lot).
The struggle is that whatever my gifts are, they will not pay the bills and that whatever inspiration I had to "just do", has been gone for quite some time. Right now I'm trying to figure out if my banana and peanut butter are one and the same thing.
The urge to blog is tidal, it comes and goes. That's perfectly normal.
Harvey:
Hmm... replace the word "blog" with "live" and that would be me.
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