At odds...

Cherry blossoms in the yard. 

Same day.

Walking home a couple days ago I took the second picture facing North on the sidewalk near my house, taking note of the new growth and leaves on the trees set against the backdrop of fresh snow. Then closer to home the cherry blossoms in the first photo seemed at odds with the chill in the air and the snow. It is April .. soon to be May... it shouldn't be this cold.

It's only been ten days...

I had been looking for the darn link to the Canadian Forces tribute video with a song by Flogging Molly I had posted on the sidebar, but still haven't found it. I did however find a lot more, including one by a BC band that I had never listened to before, but I had heard "of". A little more "pop" (as in easy-listening) than my usual music, but moving nonetheless.

YouTubeLink.

I know it has only been ten days since I did one of these posts, but the Taliban/insurgents have been busy.

To honour the fallen since last time.

U.S. (Wa (2), Ala, Mass, Fla (2),
Tenn, Conn, Tex (4), Va (2),
Ohio (4), Mi (2), Pa, NC,
Iowa, Md, Ga, Mo, Wis
and Palau)
UK
France

Support our troops... all of them...

To heroes...

 
YouTubeLink.

Something about this just hit the spot.

Curtsy to NoahB.

This place is a tomb...

... I'm going to the nut shop where it's fun.




(from the movie "You've Got Mail",
written by Nora Ephron and Delia Ephron)

Epiphany

Walking home in the dark tonight I had an epiphany. I suddenly came to realize that the dreaded sense of dread... that foreboding... that ill wind that would blow its way into my mind all these years... wasn't me dreading something bad that was to come, it was dreading the possibility that nothing would. Oh how I wish that I could have been wrong.

What happened last night?

Wondering about the post I did last night... er... earlier today.  I know I had some clarity as I didn't post the complete thing. Well... earlier yesterday I had created another version of my South Park Avatar which expression lends itself well to my dismay. I introduced my first one here, and went on to play with the avatar creator a bit more here.

Disheartened...

I briefly visited the status of my life journey with the "Little Evil Min-Me: A Lesson in Futility", but I knew that I had over-simplified and that it required slightly more in depth analysis. Oddly enough, the deeper I delved, the simpler it got, the more clear it became. To put it bluntly, there is nothing to look forward to in my life. Nothing. Within this physical realm, there is no one thing that I want to do, no one person that it pleases me to see, no one place that I desire to be. This is just as it is. I am here and this is it. There is no future here... and I think I've known this since I was a kid. That being said, I suppose my thoughts on Imperfect Perpetuality make a bit more sense now. 

I had continued to write at length further to the above, but have chosen not to include the rest here. It is regarding "perpetual motion", and in reading it over, I found it to be even more disheartening than this.

All I know is that I need something... that I am missing something...  I lost a part of me that I may not get back and I have to find a way to move on. It has taken me too long already and time's a wasting.

Old Spice

So... I was watching a video posted on a blog today, and for some reason, decided to click on the "next" video, being that it appeared to be an ad for "Old Spice". All I remember about "Old Spice" is that it smelled kinda gross to me when I was a kid.  Now... to be honest, I thought the ad was cheesy, yet catchy, but ...  I wasn't really thinking of posting it. I was chuckling quietly throughout, but I burst out laughing at the very end.  Just couldn't help  myself. Considering... this.

YouTubeLink.

Angle...

Hurtling down the highway I saw this evergreen sticking out of the rockface. Wasn't too sure if I would be able to catch a decent shot, but I like the angle if nothing else.

Who are you? Why are you here?

Sunday night I was starting to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of Nine Inch Nails, which I hadn't listened to in a while. The song that caught my attention years and years ago is one that I can't post here. They weren't a perennial favourite, but did remain in the periphery over the years. When the movie "Wanted" (2008) came out, the song "Every Day is Exactly the Same" was featured in it. I remember it is one of the rare occasions when I actually watched a movie in a theatre...  It was cheapy day.. and a double-feature... so for $5.00 admission I had watched "Hellboy 2" and "Wanted". Oddly enough, in the theatre setting, I was blown more away by the second movie rather than the first.  Although in retrospect it was probably because I was stuck on the fact that Mr. Tumnus had such big blue eyes and chose to play such a different role. I also couldn't get over David O'Hara being miles away from his role in "The Matchmaker" (1997)... and that another favourite actor, Thomas Kretschmann, a tall, cool German drink of water, got to play a more active part... even though, as usual he had very few lines.

Funny thing the way my memory works... when I had watched the movie "Doom" (2005 with the Rock and Karl Urban), there was a great song by NIN featured as well... "You Know What You Are". In the case of both movies... at different times, I knew I had heard the songs somewhere. I went rooting through my CD drawer both times and found that I had the CD with those songs on it.

Anyways, I had started watching "Wanted" the other day, and one of the lines "I don't know who I am." came back to me. Wesley has been constantly beaten down and when at last they break him and ask "Who are you? Why are you here?" His answer is "I don't know who I am."

Every Day Is Exactly the Same

You Know What You Are    (Warning:  Includes language not suitable for delicate ears.)

Dammit all...

Go figure eh? Considering my thing for dark chocolate and milk, read the last lines of this post, and then take a gander at the last paragraph below.

"A recent study shows that people who regularly consume 70% dark chocolate (about 20 g per day) show a marked improvement in blood flow, while no improvement is observed in those who eat “processed” chocolate, which contains very little cocoa paste. It seems that the positive effect of dark chocolate is linked to a property in its polyphenols that releases a chemical messenger, nitric oxide, which increases arterial dilatation, at the same time improving blood flow and reducing platelet aggregation.

However, it is important to note that previous studies have shown that milk prevents the absorption of dark chocolate’s polyphenols, thereby neutralizing its beneficial effects. Milk contains large amounts of casein, a protein that interacts with polyphenols and prevents them from being efficiently absorbed by the intestine. It is therefore always preferable to consume dark chocolate unaccompanied by milk. "

- Richard Béliveau, Ph.D., and Denis Gingras, Ph.D., authors of Eating Well, Living Well

Furthermore, being that I love milk... there is a distinct possibility that I am perhaps in denial about being slightly lactose intolerant.

Mountains...

This one reminds me of a video that was posted in a comment here.

I don't believe there has ever been this much snow this low on this mountain this late in the year. I posted a photo of it back in February here. If it ever warms up for more than two days in a row and then decides to rain as it usually does, we'll be in for some major mud slides.

Treats!

The Easter Bunny did come banging on my door today... much to my surprise. Looked remarkably like my nephew. He had in his hands a rather creative bag full of goodies for me.

Of course I opened it.

Now I feel really special.

Little Evil Mini-me Easter Fantasy...

Somewhere hidden deep within me there has always been a dark secret desire to don a bunny suit and become super stealth bunny ninja girl. Seriously. Sadly, though, apparently I couldn't hurt a fly even if I wanted to. So I have to leave it to this bunny.

Curtsy to T1G for the link.

Oh... and this one over at Enduring Leaves cracked me up.

Hmm... I haven't had any Easter chocolates at all... doesn't look too promising either.

Happy Easter anyways.

The Bunny and the red-eyed Angry Bull...

Hmm... Saturday morning on a long weekend and I woke up early. Not that there are any big plans, or any plans at all. I was in bed sometime after 2AM. Woke up at 4:45, perhaps sleeping intermittently... or just lying there thinking I was sleeping for longer periods of time than I thought. 5 something... 6:23... 7:32... at which point it became pointless to lie in bed... drifting.

The way my memory works, I don't remember actually sitting down to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings, however I do know that I did. I do remember the cartoons that I did watch. Perhaps this is due to the repetetive nature... the routine... and that they were humourous. I also have a vague memory of watching wrestling as well  but only because that was part of dad's Saturday routine. I do know that as I got older, that program became tedious to sit through, but the cartoons... even though more than thirty years have passed since then... they remain in my memory. I've revisited a few here before, but this morning on a lack of sleep Easter weekend, it is only fitting that it be the bunny on vacation and the red-eyed angry bull. One of my favourite bits is: "Stop steaming up my tail. (Slap) What are you trying to do, wrinkle it?"

GoogleLink.

Change or rebirth...

I was looking at a clip of something the other day and found some trailers to a few movies coming out soon. I'm still waiting for my testosterone fix, a la Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and Fast Five (Vin and the Rock), but these look to be worth a watch as well... but not necessarily for the same reasons. 

Johnny English Reborn. Need I say more? Rowan Atkinson... those eyes, that nose... that laugh.

 

Warrior. I used to love watching this kind of inspirational, beating the odds movie, but there seem to have been a fair number with similar storylines in the past few years that I just didn't bother to watch.  This one however, surprised me with Joel Edgerton in the lead role. He caught my eye in two totally different types of movies, Kinky Boots and King Arthur.  This one being different again and even meatier.

 

Crazy Stupid Love . Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Julianne Moore and more. I must admit, that, although I do know who Ryan Gosling is, sort of... and he looks sort of hot in this movie, I may be the only female in the western hemisphere who has not watched "The Notebook".  Then again I may be the only person who has never seen "Titanic" either.

After I watched these trailers and was thinking about posting them, I realized that all three movies involve change... or... rebirth in some form. Seems fitting... or just where my head is at.

This neck of the woods?

Seems I have sort of come full circle in my blog travels, having initially encountered blogs relating to cycling on my first few forays into bloghopping last year.  Somewhere in the middle I ended up in Scotland, finding this, and today on a new blogstop called "The Borderline Sociopathic Blog for Boys", I found this:

The terrain and the trail building bit seemed oddly familiar, although I would never, ever dream of  riding on such a run. I noticed that the vid showed the kids (I use that term loosely as I get older) names and "Coast, BC"...  so I then went looking for to find out where exactly they were from.. and found this video here.

This province is beautiful. I have always known this. Every chance I could get I used to be outside walking, biking or doing something, but now, it would just be nice if I could actually get my heart pumping enough to go out and enjoy it. Kinda makes me wonder what happened to the me who I was.

The hurting...

This was a great album (1983) and this was one of my favourite songs from it, along with Pale Shelter, Change and Mad World, the latter which I posted a cover of the other day. Oddly enough, the line that remained etched in my mind for all these years was "Memories fade but the scars still linger." The words had nothing much to do with me directly then nor even now, however for whatever reason, they stayed with me.

*****

I have been writing and posting here on a fairly regular basis in the past few months, but the last couple days I just haven't been feeling much like anything... at all. It would be nice if the lack of interest was an indication that I have somehow managed to get my life back on track.. or that I had inexplicably discovered my path to growth and renewal. Sadly... that is not the case. My vision and clarity, both literally and figuratively, have been clouded at best, as I face the swirling gray abyss of the daylight hours with a sense of apprehension. I close my eyes waiting for the tears to well up, waiting for someone else's sorrow to lubricate my soul.

*****

A few nights ago this question popped into my head: "If I am right here, where did I go?"  So today as I struggled with muddled thoughts the song "This is Not" came to mind, as well as these words from a Linkin Park song.

All I know

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away

It’s so unreal.

.....

I kept everything inside and even though I tried,

it all fell apart

What it meant to me will eventually be

 a memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

I had to fall to lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

(from "In the End" by Linkin Park)

*****

I guess I had better hurry up and find myself before I lose myself completely.

Almost Blue

(Photo taken walking home Monday night.)

The song that came to mind tonight.

YouTubeLink.

Hmm.... I just realized I've already posted this song, here. Oh well. It is quite a feat that I actually remembered I had posted it before.

Mad World

I noticed that another one of the video links here has gone AWOL, so I went back to look for it at the original site I found it on and then on YouTube, but could not find it.  However... what I did find was something that caught my eye on the side... the song was "Mad World". I wasn't too sure if it would be the one I remembered from my high school days, but I clicked on it anyways. It was the same song, but was a cover by another band. I distinctly remember one of my favourite lines from that song being "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad... the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had." The year was 1982 or 1983... the band... Tears for Fears. This version is ... haunting.

YouTubeLink.

To remember that they are still there and to honour the fallen since last time.

U.S. (Cali, Tex (3), NY, Mi, Miss,

         Fla, PR, Ky, Iowa (2), Minn)

UK (Scotland)

Poland

Gravy?

"Your appetites may diminish today as you fall into a vat of gravy with no inside ladder."

Pretty funny "wacky horoscope" considering my previous post was called "For the love of.... " (...butter...)

For the love of...

... butter...

I know in my heart that I loved butter... but I had forgotten what it tasted like. How it tasted. What I was missing. I have gotten so used to using Becel with olive oil that it has ended up tasting really good. So good in fact, that I didn't remember how much better butter was. The other thing I didn't realize was the actual difference between unsalted and salted butter. Unsalted butter always seemed to be a lesser beast... something relegated to cookie batter... but not for eating. I've had a bit of unsalted butter sitting on the counter for a while...  leftover from something I had baked... I can't even remember now what it was. The other day I ran out of Becel, so I used the unsalted butter for my Eggo waffles... One waffle with Peanut Butter and the other with the unsalted butter...  At the time I had an experience that for some reason I just figured was my taste buds being super sensitive. The butter was creamy and sweet on the tongue, with the syrup just so. It was like butter heaven. Well.... tonight.... I was having a piece of Eclat Noir Chocolat....

... and then figured I would try it with some Peanut Butter... good.... nice... Then I tried a small piece of the chocolate on a whole grain Ritz Cracker with a dab of the unsalted butter.... Ooooog.  Sublime. I needed a glass of milk. I lost all restraint. I didn't bother with a glass... I drank the cold milk directly from the carton... and it was so good... I almost didn't stop.

Cold mountain...

Looking up into the mountains on the way home yesterday...
... hard to believe it's April. 

Little Evil Mini-Me: A Lesson in Futility...

If it takes a youth travelling at x kph to get nowhere in 20 years, and it takes an adult travelling at y kph to get nowhere in 20 years. At what speed should an aging human then travel to get nowhere in the next 20 years?

The answer therein  lies in the question and can be characterized by the title to this song by Metallica.

Phoenix Rising?

When I took these two photos the other day, the clouds reminded me of a bird, but I didn't realize until I got home that I had visualized the Phoenix, or Firebird, rising up from its ashes. It seems rather fitting at this time in my life to find this connection to death and rebirth, being that I have at times felt as though I were fading into the wind or being absorbed unto the earth. 

Rapture...

... or darn near close to it.

I had spoken to big sis earlier and had asked her, if she was going out, could she pick up a burger for me. She asked me "what kind?" and I said "doesn't matter... anything beef... meat... beef...". Couple hours later there was a familiar banging on the back door... I went and knocked on the door back... this went on a few times before I opened the door.... My nephew was there holding a squarish shaped foil wrapped item in his hand... I said "ooh... where did you go?" ... He said "guess"... I said "so and so's?" ... He said "no... we went to so and so's...." Me... "ooh!".... He left with a big smile on his face. I was so excited that I closed the door before I said "Thank You" really loud so he could hear me.  Once inside, I carefully unwrapped the package... It wasn't warm... so I knew it was a sandwich... Ooh... rapture... Roast Beef... The place they went to uses real home-cooked Roast Beef in their sandwiches.  Just like mom used to make.

I was almost to the point of fullness after eating half of it... but ... then I looked at this:

... something took over me and next thing I knew... it was gone.

I miss it already.

Wink and a Smile... (a musical meme)

I've read a few "meme" posts at some blogs, but this one (found over at the Crow's Song) is the first I've come across that seemed a bit "risky"... because of my music interests, however, the playlist that I used does not contain all the songs that I like to listen to, so the results could have been much, much weirder.

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.

2. For each question, press the 'next song' button to get your answer.

3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!

4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.

5. Tag at least 10 friends (this was originally a FaceBook Meme)

--------------------------

Please note:

1. I use Windows Media Player.

2. I had forty (40) songs in this playlist.

3. I do not like the word “meme” and I am not on Facebook.

4. I don’t have 10 friends or 100, so no tagging involved...

5. Do it if you want to.

 

What do your friends think of you?

Indestructible (Egads)

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say...

Enough 

How would you describe yourself?

I Miss You  (I did lose myself somewhere.)

What do you like in a guy/girl?

Almost Blue (No way.)

How do you feel today?

I Want to F**ing Break it  (OMG!)

What is your life’s purpose?

Incomplete (Seriously.)

What is your motto?

Skinnyman  (Say wha?)

What do you think about often?

Epic  (Yikes)

What is 2+2?

Dirthouse (Yikes again)

What do you think of your best friend?

Lunatic (Wha?)

What do you think of the person you like?

Clumsy (I actually like someone?)

What is your life story?

So  (Bwahahaha)

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Oildale (Leave Me Alone)  (Hmm... Hermit?)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?

This Place Is Death  (You've got to be kidding me!)

What will you dance to at your wedding?

Are You Ready to Live? (Yeah... it's a Korn song... and I'm not going to get married.)

What will they play at your funeral?

All In Wait (Interesting)

What is your hobby/interest?

Invincible (Odd)

What is your biggest fear?

Kill Your Idols (Huh?)

What is your biggest secret?

Control It  (Interesting lyrics for this question.)

What do you think of your friends?

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning (Kinda sweet)

What will you post this as?

Wink and a Smile (Heh)

So... this was about the most exciting thing that I have done in the past ten days except for emailing... Go figure.

Renewal and growth...

Star Magnolia I planted in the backyard three years ago.

The Magnolia is symbolic of perseverance...

 and a love of nature.

Spring... time of renewal and growth.

Would that it were life could be that simple.

Horses: Heroes and Horses

My memory is like the contents of a grab bag... bits and pieces strewn about all over the place. Sometimes I can find a certain food or a song,  even a book, but rarely is there a complete event that I can access.  Last month I wrote a piece called "An Irishman and a horse..." and once again a recurring theme has arisen... horses. I remember little things like reading a book called "Misty of Chincoteague". I don't remember the story at all, just that it was about a horse, that I enjoyed the story immensely and that I read it several times. I remember playing with the Jane West and West family dolls and horses, with their cool detachable saddles and bridles. I remember at the place where my dad worked there were horses, which I may or may not have ridden. (There might even have been a helicopter there one time, which I may or may not have had a ride in.) One would think that things like this would be worthy of remembering, which is why I tend to lean towards the "not" happened, but you never know with the way my mind retains or doesn't retain things. I know that I had been around horses a few times, but I don't recall any details. The only thing that I do remember is how soft and velvety the horses' noses (muzzle?) were. I know that when I was even younger I got to see Shetland ponies at one time or another, and when I was older I may have gone on a short trail ride of some sort. Years later all else I can recall are just movies that I remember watching, some clearly, some vaguely, The Black Stallion, Phar Lap, The Man From Snowy River, The Lighthorsemen...  What I know for certain is that throughout my life, I liked horses, even if they weren't within my realm of everday existence.

So... last week I wrote a little bit called "Sunfall" which linked over to a story called "108 Hours". When I read that piece, I had linked over to Soldier's Angels and found one of their new projects, "Heroes and Horses". I had been trying to figure out a way to link to that project, and ... today, bolstered by another blog, I knew that it boiled down to this little girl's childhood affection for horses... and that was good enough. Other than that, this really has nothing whatsoever to do with me, but I urge you to link over to "Heroes and Horses", read about the project, and help out if you can. I don't get excited about many things, but this one made my heart pitter patter, and that's a pretty big deal. I was just thinking.. that would be a cool job...  to be a part of something worthwhile like that.

WTF? Is it considered swearing if you abbreviate?

It is a sad, sad state of affairs when I wake up in the morning and one of the first few thoughts that run through my mind is "What the hell is wrong with me?" However, all things considered, I suppose this is a step up from waking up in bed, contemplating the day and saying "What's the point?" So, thusly I deem that progress has been made. Yet still I struggle... with the unknown...  I'm somewhere in the middle of the sidebar of life. And...  no one reads the sidebar.

When there is no battle to prepare for, no foe, no fight, nothing at the top of the mountain, no road to choose, no deadline, no target, no goal... what exactly is there? And, so, the question had arisen, "What's the point?". Some time passed and I came to accept that there are certain uncertainties and that I still must find a way to coexist with these unknown quantities. But then in moments of peace found in bed, the warmest, safest place to be... the mind began to wander and took me to places that perhaps I shouldn't have gone.  And... thus, the newly formed question was "What the hell is wrong with me?"

In pondering this further, what came to mind was the 'Banana" video that I posted the other day. At the beginning when the minion opens his lunchbox and closes it again... the dilemma, the inner struggle... and ultimately the resignation... the giving in to the power of the ... banana. I must admit, that is how I feel, and perhaps even how I sound on occasion... The only problem is... I haven't found my banana yet. What IS my damn banana?

Pop Rocks

Last Halloween, one of the types of candy I had on hand were mini-packets of sour Pop Rocks. When I saw them in the store, I knew I had to have them... they were sour sugar after all. Once again there weren't too many trick-or-treaters, so I had way too many left-overs, and this being so, I was glad that I had bought only the stuff I really liked.  The reason I bring this up is because yesterday my nephew gave me a package of these new Pop Rocks... "Foaming" they are apparently. I haven't tried them yet, but I figure I should only do so in the privacy of my own home as I am not quite sure what "foaming" entails or exactly how much frothing in the mouth there will be. As he handed it to me he said that I must empty the whole package in my mouth... which...yes... I already knew of course.  Funny thing is that there are even instructions to this effect on the back...   I think I'm going to save these for a special occasion, as this may well fall into the "Ooh... exciting" category of my life. Oh... and I highly recommend that if you ever find Chocolate wth Pop Rocks embedded... do try it.

A gift...

... not eternal, but for the memory that remains...  

...and the heart that beats.

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."          George Eliot

Thank you for those who know me well enough to send me food and flowers, and to those precious few who have given me something to look forward to when there doesn't seem to be much ahead of me. You know who you are.

 

Alone I break

This isn't your typical Korn song, but I immediately liked it the first time I heard it way back whenever it was. Slower tempo, more subdued, more melodic, with synthesized bits reminiscent of the music that I listened to in the 80s. I had never read a review nor watched any videos in probably more than ten years, so when I read a snippet and watched the video for this song the other day, it solidified my belief that my fondness for this band may well be for all the wrong reasons and that .. is why I liked them so much. 

This is another one of those "where I was, where I am" songs.

Who, what, where?

I found this a while back not thinking that I would have a reason to post it, but this morning when I woke up for the third or fourth time, feeling like a bruised bag of potatoes left sitting in a car on a hot summer day, I realized that it is a reasonable representation of my rather ridiculous relationship with the realm of rest and sleep. (I visited the original cartoon here.)

Whispers...

In that darkness before dawn when sleep does not come, when sleep has abandoned us for some other oblivious dreaming fool, the cold breath of lost souls descends upon our restless form and we shiver as our skin becomes as ice, our breath to mist.   As the pale light of the new day whispers through the dark void,  only then do we find the comfort of sleep. Only then do we find those few fleeting hours of forgotten bliss. 

Little Evil Mini-me Eeyore

This morning... seems so long ago. So long ago, yet it feels like yesterday, but it was only this morning. If you are reading that and are slightly confused, that is perfectly normal. And, no I'm not confused either, it was simply to demonstrate how little, or how much things can change in a short period of time. Case in point, this morning, that so long ago I woke up feeling like a sack of potatoes... an immovable object, unwilling and incapable of moving on its own.  However, unlike a sack of potatoes, there is, somewhere within this bag... a brain. Somewhere. Somehow that brain is capable of conjuring up an image or a word or thought or song at any given time that can instill in that body the desire to move regardless of how much the body is unwilling... or how much it protests. That movement can be something as small as a smile or yawn which can set off a chain reaction to actual mobilization. I admit that my transformation isn't quite as pronounced as going from Eeyore to Tigger, but surprisingly not far off. The sun was out and it felt like spring... which somehow can add a spring to one's step...  As I was returning from a brisk walk to the Post Office and bank, I found myself humming a song. But it wasn't really humming... it was in between humming and singing, in between saying the number "two" and the word "do" instead of the actual words. I had to do a double-take as I realized what exactly I was humming...  no... it wasn't Korn this time.... I found myself humming... Static X...  I raised an eyebrow at myself, chuckled and headed home with an evil grin on my face.

And... yes... I have categorized this post under the Little Evil Mini-me.... and normally I would post a link to a song, however... the song in question is fraught with profanity.

Feeling like a...

The year was ... 1998 I think.... I was in the best physical shape of my life... ever...  If I recall correctly, I was walking, biking and swimming at least two or hours a day, every day, in addition to playing badminton and tennis on the side. It was within a year that I started to lose my eyesight and began laser treatments on both eyes and subsequently had to undergo one major and one minor surgery on one of my eyes... so far. I think one of the last things I may have had done was actually a simple injection in the eye... after which I jokingly said... hmmm.... "stick a needle in my eye"...  I can now say... been there, done that. Anyways... the reason this memory came up is because I know for sure that Korn was the music that I would listen to whilst walking or playing tennis. I know that I listened to others as well, but Korn was the mainstay, and also helped me through the next few years of not being able to see as much and do as much as I used to. After all that activity on a regular basis, I had to become accustomed to doing considerably less fairly quickly, as I was sort of  limited to walking.. and listening to Korn made that...  fun instead of monotonous. Gradually I got back into swimming, a little biking and eventually was able to pull out the racquets again to have a go. Tennis is the one sport that I found most difficult due to lack of depth perception and loss of peripheral vision.  Badminton was at times, and still is... troublesome, but at least still doable. Nowadays, the sports have fallen by the wayside, except for Badminton, which, except for those few years that I missed, still feels essential, as it is on a schedule and I think I need that now for some sense of structure in my life. It seems incredible to me now that I used to be so motivated... but, then I remember ... it was something I needed to do to keep sane... to not be thinking about work for twenty-four hours a day.

So, way back then... one of their songs sort of captured who I was, where I was. Today... now... for some reason it still captures who I am and where I am, but from a whole new perspective.

(Warning: Not for those with delicate ears. Lyrics not to be taken literally in all respects.)

Spring Confusion...

It's that time of year when Mother Nature is in a tizzy and can't quite make up her mind. Spring confusion reigns and her moodiness shines through the skies. Monday we had rain, rather heavy winds, and, oddly enough, later in the evening... snow. Thankfully the snow did not last the night. Someone mentioned to me that apparently we have had the coldest days in  the month of April in 120 years. That being said, today it is once again back to beautiful and sunny.

The saddest thing is that this aging body doesn't seem to be absorbing, reflecting or dealing with these seasonal changes and variances very well.

Bananas?

I have questioned my sanity officially on the blog before and as of late have been pondering the same once again in real life. However, the reason for me writing this isn't about my sanity, but for the simple fact that bananas seem to have been popping up in my recent blog travels. I am not particularly fond of bananas, however, I do enjoy them in desserts. Case in point, banana splits, mom's banana cream pie and a new addition to the list this year, Xangos. If on the rare occasion I do eat a banana on its own, it must be firm and slightly green, not soft and ripe. Hmm... I actually wasn't planning on writing about my taste in bananas, as I am more of an apple fan, but on that note, here's what I found in my travels:

 YouTube link. 

Oh... and a couple weeks ago I did another one of those stupid quizzes "What Flavour Smoothie are You?" I was expecting maybe Raspberry or Peach, but it ended up being .... banana.  I decided not to post the description because... it sounded a little too... mushy.

*****
Update:  April 16 2011
Apparently NBC has snatched video access, so I found a link to a Romanian site:
Vezi mai multe din Funny pe 220.ro
See if that works.

Comfort and Reassurance...

The thought of the human need for comfort and reassurance has been lingering in my mind for several months now and I was sure that I had started writing about it, but could not find any saved material except for some things that I jotted down a few months ago. Looking at it now, it is rather raw or rough, so I felt I should remove some bits. Actually...  as I was reading it over again, I realize that it could be totally misinterpreted so I feel that I can only share one line. " Never felt that need for reassurance before, so why now?"  One word came to mind then... one word still. 

I was thinking of "I'm Broken" by Pantera, but I couldn't remember all the words, so I went to check the lyrics... and.. ah... not quite suitable for this. My other choice was "Broken" by Seether, which is closer to the intent of this post, but... yes.. a little too sappy. However... sappy or not, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to post this most excellent version of that song.

YouTubeLink

Imperfect perpetuality

Tonight it dawned on me that for most of  my life, I have never really allowed myself to look forward to tomorrow, or, to be more precise, the tomorrows that I might have.  Î suppose living day by day without a plan for one's life can eventually have that effect. As I sit here in quiet contemplation as I have so many nights in the past twenty-five or more years, I ask myself if I ever really wanted anything more than what I had? Not in the sense of material things, but ... in life? Did I ever want anything more in life? I have started writing about this many times before but today it just seems so simple. The answer is ... no. Funny then that one of my favourite songs used to be "Pushing Forward Back" by Temple of the Dog, and one of my favourite songs still is "Rooms a Thousand Years Wide" by Soundgarden. Both bands feature the rather unique voice of Chris Cornell. The scale of his vocals and simplicity of the lyrics in the latter song spoke to me years ago, but the words even moreso this year... today... in particular as they pertain to this post.



Listen, hear, he is inside
One who lives while others lie
I close my eyes and walk a thousand years
A thousand years that aren't mine
It seems he's near me as I walk
One who loved what love denied
He lives these years that I walk blind
All these years cannot be mine
Tomorrow begat tomorrow
Begat tomorrow
Begat tomorrow
A thousand doors a thousand lies
Rooms a thousand years wide
He walks in the cold sun and wind
All these years will not begin
Tomorrow begat tomorrow
Begat tomorrow
Begat tomorrow

Boys will be boys...

Just gotta luv em.

Curtsy to Chris from I Know Funny for this gem.


And.... THIS explains everything. Yes... it is imperative that you link over there and watch that as well.

Stats...

So.... I have had the blog for over a year now and I think that I struggled with it around the six month mark as well as near the first anniversary...  I've run the gamut from wanting to say nothing, to simply posting photos, to sharing things I didn't think I could, to just writing and posting whatever the heck I wanted. I never thought too much about who would read my blog or why, and that tied together with the relative anonymity I have here has somehow allowed me, with the seemingly slow passage of time, to become more willing to write on a personal level.  If I recall correctly, I think it was just after I got over the first obstacle of "I don't know if I want to keep doing this." and decided to just go for it, that I added the free site counters to the blog just on a lark. I believe that Blogger had added "Stats" somewhere a few months before that, around July, but I hadn't really paid much attention to the "traffic sources" and "search words" until a short while ago. It is rather fascinating that the most popular post is "Chainsaws and Bagpipes", due mostly to people from the U.S. and different countries in Europe clicking on the photo of a chainsaw that I had taken.  As for search words, it worries me just a little that someone actually entered "average weight of an imp" into a search engine, and it saddens me that another felt poorly enough to type "my life is redundant" into Google and found my blog. The other three phrases of recent note are a tad more hopeful, and they happen to be lines that I had quoted in a couple of movie reviews I had posted.

"maybe the universe will bring us together again"

"unlikely you can ever again be"

"I have kept this as proof one small adjustment"

I also recall that someone actually found their way here by searching for "Oops"...  and that was a person with an IP at a University somewhere in the Middle East.

Numbers

Today's date is April 4, 2011. In numerical terms it is 4 4 4. Not that this has any bearing on anything. It is just the type of thing that I notice because I am aware of numbers. I may not always be aware of the day of the week, but I am aware of numbers. This serves no useful purpose in my existence today, nor at this very moment, but having an affinity for numbers comes in handy every so often.  I know that I have always liked numbers...  even as a kid.  I know I liked Math from a young age. I know I liked Algebra in middle school and high school. Numbers didn't lie. With numbers there was always a solution. If I couldn't solve a problem it was because I was looking at it the wrong way and I had to find another way to see it and solve it.  Hmm... I realize now that this is a good way to deal with most things... perhaps everything.

This mind that has always had an affinity for numbers for some reason went on a tangent in the last year and strayed from that logical path to a place beyond my reckoning. If I had stayed on the original path I wouldn't be in this predicament that I am in. Come to think of it, if I hadn't strayed from that path, I wouldn't be here writing this right now...  sharing also my great fondness for words.

Connections...

Music.. once again brought more memory snippets back that had been pushed into the nether reaches of my mind that was the... 80s... Now I'm starting to think that the decade couldn't have been as bad as I thought it was, as some of the songs seem to have held up quite well... some of them....  For whatever reason, over the last little while, songs from the past keep drifting back, including a few Canadian bands ... one of which was another group from Vancouver, the Payolas. The song... "Eyes of a Stranger"... I had forgotten how much I liked it...  And... I recall it having been featured in one of my favourite movies from back then...a Nicolas Cage film called "Valley Girl"....  Uh... yeah.... what can I say... I was a teenager. Oddly enough, as much as I liked Nic, I think I liked his quirky sidekick more.

On an interesting side note, someone in that little band ended up having a major connection to one of my all-time favourites bands...  Metallica. 

Breathe in, breathe out...

Looking towards sunset March 25, 2011

Angry skies....

On April 1st, 8 UN workers were killed, 2 of whom were beheaded. U.S. President Barack Obama had this to say: "We stress the importance of calm and urge all parties to reject violence and resolve differences through dialogue...". Granted, I know that this statement could have been taken out of context by the journalist who wrote this article, but, if it wasn't...  does he realize the ambivalence in his words? Now, it is my understanding that the UN workers' purpose was to "resolve differences through dialogue", and I am all for diplomacy, but to "urge all parties to reject violence" goes considerably beyond simple diplomacy in its indirect indirectness.

To honour the fallen since last time.

Canada

U.S. (R.I., Ga, Fla (2), Conn, Cali (2),

         Wis, Fla, Ohio (2), Tex, Md, Col, Okla)

UK (3)