I haven't been able to focus on much of anything for the last little while... like say a year... and lately the focus issue has been both literal and figurative. Not a good sign... but I'll just keep rolling with the punches. I've also been running out of steam in all aspects of my rather uneventful life, which does not bode well considering that I didn't have much fuel to start with. It took four weeks to recover from the snow shovelling back injury, which included two weeks of excruciating pain which I chose to deal with without medication, and two weeks of twinges and tweaks. I returned to the obligatory sporting activity after Spring Break, and was surprisingly rather more energetic than I thought I could be, and the body was doing remarkably well after having turned another year older.
I am finding it difficult to move forward in my life as the options are few, close to non-existent, in this place. In the past year I have found out a little bit more about myself than I cared to. I've shared a lot of personal stuff with people I don't know, which I did not think at all possible, and which has been both enlightening and rather cathartic. I was struggling moreso than usual in March, and was quite surprised to see the rather large number of blogposts that I had done, especially considering that I had felt throughout the month that I had nothing really to say.
The quiet and calm that has offered me peace in the last few years ended up taking me closer to the dark side last year than I would have liked. I suppose the upside to my dark side is that in essence, it ended up being a dare to myself to share those little bits of me here, which I never thought I would.... ever.
Ever since I lost the job that was my life for a whole half of it, I have been living in the here and the now, taking things day by day. I find now... that I am no longer able to do that. If I am to exist and function in the real world, then I must somehow alter this in order to allow for forward momentum. And ... this is what I am struggling with. I suppose I always believed that a window would open that I could peek through to see what I could do next, or that a doorway would appear in the wall that stood before me... that some opportunity would present itself which I would feel the urge to pursue. After having said all that, I find it rather fitting that I have written this on April Fools Day. A fool indeed have I been.