Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

How?


How is it that I can feel at such odds with myself but remain so calm? My stomach churns, my head spins and my eyes burn, but the chaos within no longer drags me to the floor. I feel sick that I am unable to move yet I am at peace with where I be. How is this possible?

Somewhere in my memory the words "I don't care." float around almost like a quiet mantra from the past, referring to how I felt about life in general when I was much younger. Now, today, at this moment, I came to realize that what it truly meant was "I don't care... what happens to me."

That one sentence encompasses the "How" and the "Why" of my entire existence...  The how and the why I have not lived my life. The how and the why I feel that I wasted this soul.

2 comments:

Harvey said...

"I don't care... what happens to me."

Actually, that's a good start to a personal motto, in the sense that you don't let circumstances determine your destiny.

Just need to end it with something like "all I care about is following my dreams."

Might also consider sticking a "I don't care what other people think of me" in the middle, too.

Spockgirl said...

Harvey:
"... in the sense that you don't let circumstances determine your destiny."

I did, I do and I shall continue to do so, which is the crux of the problem.

"All I care about is paying the bills." Does that count?

"I don't care what other people think of me." That's about it, but with an "as long as I am not misrepresented." added on.