Does it even exist?

I've always been perfectly fine with being alone in the quiet stillness of my quiet little corner of the world. It just always felt "right". Even as a kid, when a lot of kids go through a "not fitting in" stage, I did manage to fit in, but as a marginal outsider, it didn't feel quite right. The being alone part felt more "right" than the fitting in part. This carried over into adulthood as well. School friends went on to university and I started a job the first week after school got out. I didn't know what I wanted to do with life, so this was something to do until I figured out what I was going to be when I grew up. It was rather funny, each year when the high school kids had their last day of regular classes, they would hop in their cars, take to the streets and drive in line through town honking their horns. I remember doing this too, so many years ago. It was freedom. Each year, almost every year, I would be sitting in the same place in that office and would hear the horns honking... and think to myself... oh... another year has passed.  For over twenty years... I heard those horns... Freedom they said.

Old school friends finished their post-secondary educations, got married, had kids, some even moved back to raise their families. And there I was at the office ... still. Not knowing what I was going to do with my life. Time had passed, years gone by, people fade in and out of touch, but mostly out. In such a small town, you figure this wouldn't be the case, but that's just the way it is. I've heard that even people who move to town find it difficult to find a niche...  It's "clicky" they say... just like it was in school. But some old chums, even if you don't keep in contact with, you see them and pick up conversation as if no time has passed, even though so much has changed in their lives.

The big thing with kids here back in the day was to be able to go to parties and drink. I have a feeling it is still like that nowadays, but with much more available choices. The funny thing is that on the rare occasion when friends came back from university to visit their parents, the get-togethers with chums usually involved discussions pertaining to the parties and drinking whilst away at university. I think four of my friends met their future husbands at bars. Two are still married to those same guys and two are now married to new ones. Life goes on.

I do not travel in the same circles as those I used to hang with. I am fine with that. I am still for the most part, fine with being alone. However I do think that living in this quiet peaceful little town can be cold. I never really thought of that before. It isn't like I don't know my neighbours and don't chat with them on occasion when I see them. It isn't like I don't have family nearby. Those are the things that make life bearable now. I think that before, my heart was cold and didn't mind the cold environs. I feel that as I get older, being alone only perpetuates the cold... and as such, I either have to shut down completely, or I need something more to warm my heart. The only thing is... that something I need ... I won't find here.