Does anything ever make you wistful? Do you ever look out a window with a sense of longing? Do you question the path that you are on? If we do not know the path that we are on, how can we change directions? Do you ever feel as though you are missing something in your life? When something is lost, is something in its absence therefore found? I seem to have no part and no place in this world. Was my presence here on this planet a mere accident? If dying is the end of life, shouldn't a life worth living be a life worth dying for?
Thursday, May 3, 2012
An accidental life?
Does anything ever make you wistful? Do you ever look out a window with a sense of longing? Do you question the path that you are on? If we do not know the path that we are on, how can we change directions? Do you ever feel as though you are missing something in your life? When something is lost, is something in its absence therefore found? I seem to have no part and no place in this world. Was my presence here on this planet a mere accident? If dying is the end of life, shouldn't a life worth living be a life worth dying for?
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14 comments:
All excellent questions my friend and probably the most frequently explored questions in philosophy...what are we? Why are we here What's this all about?
Perhaps you are the designated person in this era of the world to HAVE NO PLACE. Having no place...is YOUR PLACE?!
Clearly if any of us...you or I had the answers to these basic and critical questions of human existance we would be quite popular...famous and rich too. But we don't and they are legitimate, serious questions that haunted me for years and years...certainly playing a major role in my feelings of alienation and isolation leading to some unpleasant conclusions, as you know.
For me today, also as you well know those questions have been answered for me by my spiritual beliefs and though all the uncertainty and doubt didn't magically just go away...it has pretty much stopped haunting me. I no longer question my place. I know why I am here and where I am going.
My hope for you is that you find the answers to what you are looking for with your questions and/or you are able to accept that whatever happens, happens and this subject...these questions no longer dominate your thinking as much as they do. In other words acceptance = peace.
I agree that acceptance = peace. That is where I was. The peace that I existed in is ultimately what brought me to inner conflict... to this ... displacement. Peace is my albatross.
I've spent the day trying to figure out your comment and you have me stumped. Obviously I don't have a clue what your looking for and I'm no longer convinced you even want to find resolution...perhaps it is the albatross you desire after all.
Aha! You see, that IS the point. I never did have a clue what I was looking for and I do not even know if there IS a resolution. If my comment had you stumped, just imagine you trying to figure out my comment being the same as me trying to figure out my life... except every freaking day. One needs to want to live a life if one wants to find a resolution. In other words, I need to want something enough such that I will want to fight for it, but being at peace is not conducive to doing so.
You're mis-reading my definition of being at peace and acceptance...they are magic bullet's, they just mean you accept that this is the way it is, not that you condone it, but at this moment...this is how things are. So many people can't see realistically where they are at, I for one never did. When I accept my circumstance, ONLY then could I change it (and only if I WANTED to). I can see you misread my meaning which isn't unusual because it's a way of looking at life used often in recovery circles and certain 12 step programs. It's a hard concept to explain but easy enough to actually do and rewarding too....That is the only reason your point made no sense to me but I see it now.
You get peace when you accept that a current situation is what it is...can't see how that would ever be a detriment to anything. I have often thought from our repeated go-rounds on this subject (and there have been several) that perhaps you didn't want to be satisfied or didn't really want to live at all, then I'd go ...'no, that isn't it"
Now it appears that it is...
No. I did not misread your definition of peace and acceptance. "... you accept that this is the way it is, not that you condone it, but at this moment...this is how things are." Yes, that is exactly how it is for me. There is a psychological and philosophical internal clash going on BECAUSE of the peace I have ... because of my acceptance of the current situation I am in.
Yes, you understand now. The only thing you might not fully grasp is that any time I used the word "nothing"... I meant it. Sorry, I could end up depressing you if you think too much on this, and you've got your own barking dog to deal with.
Let's just say that perhaps I am too accepting, too calm ... about almost everything... and that is my problem.
Oh... and on a lighter note, I got another Spam comment this morning! So we are 2 for 2. Two real comments, two Spam.
Actually, your description of how you feel doesn't feel "heavy" to me since it's really your own choice and you do seem to enjoy it...the spam thing however, DOES bother me, LOL! Especially after getting 3 more today...it boggles the mind, I still have never seen any spam, of course I probably will now since you're getting it and I am on your site...the ultimate irony, haha!
I am wondering if you have ever checked your Spam filter? If you haven't, it is possible that you have a stash of them, since you do have a more active online profile than I do.
And no, of course it isn't "heavy" as in your kind of heavy, which I have stated several times in comments before. And, no, there is no enjoying where I go in my head. The reason you may perceive it as me enjoying it is because I do not DWELL there and don't write about it everytime that I do. Besides, there is no logical reason for me to end up where I do. It is, as I said, psychological... mental if you will. It could have been brought on by a hormonal or chemical imbalance, but regardless what caused it, it is a moot point now. Basically, I screwed up my life without the assistance of alcohol or drugs... without doing anything wrong, bad or illegal. I screwed up my life because I chose to work instead of live a life. (I mean that literally.) I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that my life did NOT serve a purpose, and regardless of what I do, life here is a dead-end. Certainly I can exist in this place, but existing is not the same as living. Accepting the way things are, one thing I do have going for me is that I am NOT willing to join the ranks of the meth-heads, crackheads, alcoholics and drunks that reside here.
Plain and simple? I do not fit. Putting me into this world is trying to shove the square block into the triangle.
You make a shocking statement there I simply can't leave untouched again...you've ventured here before but I've always let it go. Alcoholics/addicts do NOT make make a choice to be what they are. Addiction is an actual, legitimate disease in the same category as heart disease or cancer.The true chemical cause of it is still largely unknown but they do know there is a hereditary component. The only "choice" I made was to have a beer as a teenager just like millions of other people do without any trouble, I had no way (especially being adopted and not knowing the medical histories or anything about my birth-parents) of knowing that by putting alcohol in my system ONE time unleashed the disease known as addiction.
You are far too intelligent a person to still be promoting the incorrect stereotype that it is a choice or some kind of moral deficiency or flaw.
One thing that I would never say about my life, taken as a whole was that I was not FULLY living. I most certainly did and but for a few instances I have no regrets. I have had an amazing life in many, many ways. Unfortunately because the nature of my blog is to deal with recovery, those negative aspects get more then there fair share of play.
But other then a few times here and there I never felt like you did...Also the moment of dispair, hopelessness and extrem lonliness were really confined to the very end of my active addiction...a minute fraction of the over 30 years I drank and partied.
I raised two wonderful kids, yea I too spent way to much time involved in my work/career but I made a fortune allowing me the opportunity to travel and do just about anything I wanted. I always say that with but a few exceptions I really have loved life.
I really thought that came through on the blog but I obviously need to reflect that aspect of my life more. Or perhaps you are just zeroing in the harrowing parts...IDK.
Nope... I did not make that shocking statement. That is how you read it. I believe there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism/addiction. My comment is not in regards to your life, but mine. The choice I made at an early age was to not start the cycle because I was not and am not not willing to find out.
And yes, I KNOW that you lived a full life despite your alocholism/ addiction. I did not say that you didn't, nor that it doesn't come across in what you write about. My comment has nothing to do with making a judgment as to your life or what you blog about. Much simpler than that. You lived a full life. I did not.
Put a bow on it if you like but your statement was a stereotypical, judgement laden description of addicts, using the most derogatory slang...anyone would read it that way.
But the way I read this whole thing and yea, I'm sorry I even went here (even though believe it or not it was because I actually cared)is you might have had a life to life if you HAD gone there, THERE meaning that life of crack-head, drunk, etc, etc.
I have seen so many people, from every walk of life, every emotional, mental state and I just cannot but the argument that you have no choice. I think you must be able or capable of changing SOMETHING that effects the overall big picture. Ultimately I still believe it is a choice.
I struggle with this SG for one reason, I obviously do not know you, have never met you and never will but through your posts, your comments observations, etc. I see and hear the expressions of someone who HAS really lived, in spite of what you say. Is not work part of living...certainly it is. I can understand not enjoying one's life experinece. Your not pulling these brilliant remarks you've had out of your BUM, you have seen, you've experienced, observed and lived...I feel that you're missing the point, perhaps it is your expectations. I probably shouldn't have even gone down this discussion path with you but I just feel that your statements are so harsh...I think you deserve more...I apologize if I started something here.
Yep... I come across as harsh. I know that. In real time conversation, I often come across the same, but, more often than not, I am simply... real. As I have said before, there is much that is difficult to translate or fit into a comment box. My natural tendency is to want to justify and explain things, to figure things out. This is not something that is seen with the naked eye, nor in what I write or how I write it.
There is much in your comment that I would like to address, but I lack the ability to do so.
I have some of the same tendency's to want to explain things and the comment box is indeed limiting so I'm just going to stop. I haven't articulated myself as well as I would like and the one dimensional format of the written word, not allowing for expression, etc creates far to many opportunities for error and misunderstanding. And for clarification's sake and you may already know this but when I said your statements were harsh, I was talking about the statements made about yourself...not others. And I'm not convinced that harsh=real...one can be brutally real w/out being harsh.
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