Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

It's been two years...

since I wrote this.

I essentially didn't know how to blog, what I was going to blog about, how to put spaces in between paragraphs, how to "Edit HTML", how to add a link or pictures or post videos, how to share me... not even how to respond to comments apparently. (Hard to believe I actually got two comments on my very first outing.) Here I am 1043 posts later. I learned how to blog... now all I have to do is learn how to live my life.


thormoo T. Davis said...

SG- I think with out realizing've learned to OR have been doing both. "Live my life or "Living my life" is one of those dangerous little phrases because there is no distinct answer for what "living one's life" really means...we each define that in our own way.

I suspect you really mean that you are not satisfied with what you are experiencing or doing...therefore it feels as if you aren't even participating in the Game (of life) or if you are you're not doing it well or "right". So you end up feeling somehow that you still must learn how to live life.

Your posts, thoughts, comments, etc have sure been beneficial to me on many an occasion as you must no because I've said so...I suspect that even you, my friend my consider helping a fellow human being during a rough patch of their life a "worthwhile endeavor". And you care...yep I really believe you do care deeply though you've discussed feeling apathetic and uninterested. You actually have not only a very valid and unique point of've learned now how to communicate it well (that learning to blog bit, hehe) so we all get to experience and learn from it..yes...even enjoy it!

I suspect you'll get this post...roll your eyes thinking old thormoo is blowing smoke out of his bum again but what I am sharing here, except for a couple speculative comments on what you might think or feel, isn't really up for is my experience and how I feel. You can except that or's your call.

Congrats on 2 years. I was trying to think how long I've followed SG Musings and I would guess it's close to that. It's been a long time...and the pleasure has been distinctly...MINE.

Spockgirl said...

Thanks T. Your comments are always thoughtful and provide a different perspective. The funny thing is that more often than not, I think they make me go "Hmmm", but then help me confirm that my thoughts were in fact valid in the first place.

As for the living my life bit... I am absolutely, 100% serious. I mean I have to learn how to just live my life... to DO something... ANYthing. I have to start from scratch for the second time in four years. The issue at hand I believe to be mental fortitude. I lost it and have to get it back. Essentially, it should be a simple thing to get back on track. Should be. How hard could it be to find where I am?

thormoo T. Davis said...

As you are finding out, it isn't that easy. In my own way I'm starting from scratch too and getting a wee bit cranky about it this time...

I guess my point is if whatever life your living now adds value to someone else's life...doesn't that count for something?itmen eireni

Spockgirl said...

You have some major crap to deal with in your life, and I would say yeah, you are starting from scratch considering you were essentially reborn.

And no, the life I am living does not add value to anyone else's life. I am however very thankful that I am not yet a burden to anyone. Serving a purpose or making a difference, for the better, in someone's life would be something though.

thormoo T. Davis said...

Ach SG...In my first comment I clearly state that through your blogging (I'm referring to: posts, comments and emails to me) you've certainly added value to MY LIFE (see 3rd paragraph)...and I suspect I am not the only one that benefits from reading your blog.

I get a ton of stuff sent to me by my family/friends/former colleagues to read, almost everyday that I never look at because I do not want to waste my time on it...I read EVERY post you write because I've found it HELPFUL, Interesting and BENEFICIAL. Yep, beneficial definitely means: NOT a waste a time.

Now I haven't a clue what your day to day life really looks like except the info you share here on "Muses" since I am obviously not around to see it. I know you are not satisfied with it and that happens with people..all people can feel that way not just folks with big disasters like mine. I know you're looking for more in life...especially after what sound like a worthy career you felt good about.

I think that search "for something, anything more is not only common but much more critical to a person's well being then society gives credit for...because everyone is searching...everyone.

I'm not trying to "minimize" whats going on with you by suggesting lots of others feel the same way...on the contrary I think that makes it an even bigger deal. Your desire for SOMETHING Worthwhile comes through so strongly in your posts. There really seems to be some big time determination there.

You say I have some major crap to deal with and yes I do today but it's not the crap you're thinking of because for the most part, except for momentary exceptions I don't really actively deal with the recovery, SA issues like I used to when my life was Chaos.

My life today looks a lot like it did when I was raising my kids, full of routines, chores, some's a life like many others. The crap I deal with is Bills, relationships (not just k-sue) but ALL relationships, getting meals, dealing with jerks at the grocery store, etc. That is the crap I deal with today...normal stuff.

Now I know helping people who read what you write might not seem like the worthy endeavor you are seeking in your life, it might not seem like that "counts" but it definitely does...You are helping out another human being...and one you don't even know. That to me and many other people is most certainly "making a difference in somebody's life."

Spockgirl said...

Okay, okay, I get it. I think it is just that I feel the need for something more "tangible", I suppose would be the best word. But thank you for clarifying your points... made me feel a little less unuseful.

Oh... the major crap I was thinking of is the delapidated, creaky old, falling apart,not sleeping, black dog fighting you having to deal with the "normal" stuff of everyday life.

thormoo T. Davis said...

The problem is that is your interpretation of my life is completely different then mine. I accept what I am and am as happy, content and excited about life as I ever have been, EVER....

I suppose that is a danger when you "Emo-V" or vent like I do on Shell Shock...It can leave the impression that the pain, sorrow and difficulty is all there is when in reality it's 10% but it's the "juicy" stuff that gets blogged about.

I have been disabled since I was 17 so I don't feel creaky/dilapidated...Geez, I've NEVER felt that way over all...perhaps for a few minutes after riding the X-Bike...and it never stopped me from doing what I wanted to do, like I'm still playing golf. I'm kind of glad we went here with this discussion because I didn't realize that the impression I was giving on the blog was so negative.

I think I need to include all the other really cool stuff that goes on in my life, there is a ton of it everyday. I kinda thought I was doing that all the volunteer work which is one of the BEST things I have ever been involved in. My relationship with Kim is so special...I never thought I'd love again.

So I appreciate you sharing that because if you asked me anytime right now I would tell you I really feel good about my life, really good. All those things you mention are true but I accept them for what they are...what else am I going to do, feel sorry for myself?! No freaking way, been there, done that.

I lived alone for a long time including the first 4 years of my sobriety, it is very easy when you live alone to miss the bigger picture and get caught up in our own difficulties and start feeling sorry for ourselves. Self-pity is an awful combination of feelings and I refuse to go there. I think blogging and FaceBook were two things that helped get me out of "myself" as it were and start looking at the bigger picture.

Speaking of which (bigger picture) I need to take Kim's car for an oil change so my UBER-EXCITING existence just keeps getting better, haha!

Spockgirl said...

No, I don't get the impression that the pain, sorrow and difficulty is all there is in your life. Heck, I know personally that one cannot write about every freaking thing, nor should that be necessary. You had a purpose and a focus when you started that blog and you can write whatever the heck you want to write. But, you know that anyways. And, I know you do have cool stuff going on in your life... you DO include it in your blog as well.

I agree about the self-pity part. If I felt sorry for myself I'd be drunk every night or lying in a ditch somewhere. As for learning how to live my life, right now I'm still trying to validate or justify my existence. To me, life is about the little things...the little things that during my time on this planet, by my own volition, by circumstance and my own faults, I may never have had in my life or some that I just no longer do.

Sorry if I seem to be going around in circles here, but that's the way it has been lately.

thormoo T. Davis said...

OK SG...any more of my feedback is going to seem like I am badgering you and that is the last thing I want to do.

There are times that I'm not very good at letting people just feel what they feel, even if they are dissatisfied, struggling, insure or whatever...I want to fix "t'. And frankly it isn't within my power to do so. I just see so many positive things through reading your post, your comments' etc that I want you to see what I see.

I' not taking into account what you're feeling inside, what your previous life experience was and how it affected, etc because I can't.

I think you know I am coming from a place of care/ I'll give you a break on a morning when I know you aren't feeling well.

Take care, friend.

Spockgirl said...

Thanks T. Comments and concern appreciated.

On a side note, I slept for a couple hours, but have been awake since. Going to try and get some more Zs now.