Is it good or bad?
Eighteen years of structure and routine. Twenty years of structure and routine. And then.... then what? Nothing really. I suppose starting a blog and posting regularly could be considered a routine. Playing Tetris became a daily ritual. Making it a habit of doing one online crossword around 9pm and one Sudoku just after midnight became a routine. But then what? I stopped playing Tetris, and in the past few days, I haven't even been doing the crossword or Sudoku. My heart hasn't even been into reading blogs lately, even though I have been... out of habit. So I now wonder if this is a good thing or bad? Does it mean that I am finally getting back into the reality of life? Or am I withdrawing back into myself again?
Oh... but... I did find another Sudoku site and had been doing the "hard" puzzles, and finally got down to the top 2%, so I switched to "evil" and finally made it to the top 5%, but that seems to be the best I can do. This particular site has replaced the other crossword and Sudoku, as it "tests" me more. The only thing is ... I don't like to give up if I can't get a better score, and thus Sudoku becomes a dangerous habit. However, unlike in the past with Solitaire, Spider Solitaire and Tetris, I have stopped myself from continuing. But I ask, then what? Playing these games helped to ground me, but by the same token, they also helped to keep me outside of my head, a place I didn't really want to be in. These games kept my logic brain working, allowing everything else to shut down, which is what I felt was needed. The only thing is that my logic brain has been malfunctioning for quite some time and on a regular basis. So... now what?
I feel detached. Not necessarily detached from the world, but ... from myself.