Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

What has changed?

Is it good or bad?

Eighteen years of structure and routine. Twenty years of structure and routine. And then.... then what? Nothing really. I suppose starting a blog and posting regularly could be considered a routine. Playing Tetris became a daily ritual. Making it a habit of doing one online crossword around 9pm and one Sudoku just after midnight became a routine. But then what? I stopped playing Tetris, and in the past few days, I haven't even been doing the crossword or Sudoku. My heart hasn't even been into reading blogs lately, even though I have been... out of habit. So I now wonder if this is a good thing or bad? Does it mean that I am finally getting back into the reality of life? Or am I withdrawing back into myself again?

Oh... but... I did find another Sudoku site and had been doing the "hard" puzzles, and finally got down to the top 2%, so I switched to "evil" and finally made it to the top 5%, but that seems to be the best I can do. This particular site has replaced the other crossword and Sudoku, as it "tests" me more. The only thing is ... I don't like to give up if I can't get a better score, and thus Sudoku becomes a dangerous habit. However, unlike in the past with Solitaire, Spider Solitaire and Tetris, I have stopped myself from continuing. But I ask, then what? Playing these games helped to ground me, but by the same token, they also helped to keep me outside of my head, a place I didn't really want to be in. These games kept my logic brain working, allowing everything else to shut down, which is what I felt was needed. The only thing is that my logic brain has been malfunctioning for quite some time and on a regular basis. So... now what?

I feel detached. Not necessarily detached from the world, but ... from myself.

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