I've written before about the need for structure in my life. Tonight I was thinking about it again and came upon an interesting thought. After having the same job for so many years and having no room for advancement or promotion within that realm, I now recall that at some point after the fifteenth year there, I began to dread going to that place. Doing the same thing day in and day out for so long became a rut... became the thing that I would dread. The funny thing is that doing the same thing day in and day out is also what I miss about it. The dread came from the routine and knowing that nothing was ever going to change. The thing I miss now is the same thing I had begun to dread, but because of the safety and security that the structure found within it had provided. That job was my life. That job gave me purpose. And... now I have neither. I threw structure, the umbrella of safety and security, out the window when I went in pursuit of something on my own after that job ceased to exist. I failed, and I am paying for it now.
I have in the past couple years, asked myself what I want and the answer has always been... nothing. Tonight I came to realize that truly, all I want is to feel safe and secure in what I am doing with my life. I never needed that before. It is completely illogical and unrealistic.