I knew I hadn't lost these, as I mentioned here. I knew I had to have tucked then away somewhere safe, somewhere that I would remember. For the life of me I just could not. Too much going on between Christmas and New Years last year. So... where did I "find" them? In a silver painted wooden box in the dining room, nesting underneath another box which is home to some extra Christmas ribbons.... In the dining room for crying out loud. The dining room... how could I forget that?
These remind me of candy, but I am not quite sure why. For some reason, they also sort of make me want to cry. Uh... yeah... I figured I would listen to some Christmas music the other night to get more in the spirit.... same thing. I was thinking to myself, egads: mental or sentimental? Either way, not good.
*****
A couple weeks ago I was at a bank and the twenty year old newbie teller asked if I was ready for Christmas. I said, no, not really... as I didn't have any money. She then proceeded to tell me that Christmas isn't like it was when she was "young", that it had become too commercialized. I said... "I agree", but didn't have the heart to tell her that my comment was a statement of fact... not a lamentation.
*****
I was running errands today and during idle chat with one of the newer, but older bank tellers, she asked if I was going anywhere or had anything planned for Christmas. I said something to the effect of "no...not much". She said "oh, is that because of your culture?" I was thinking ... "say what" or "um... what culture would that be?" But I did NOT say anything. Firstly, she wasn't white. Secondly I am not FOB. I do not sound like I came from a different country. So because I am not white, how could she make such an assumption? What culture was she implying? The culture that the grandparents had chosen to start shedding when they came to this country a mere hundred years ago? That was a pretty big generalization on her part. Did I have any pre-conceived notion of her culture because of the colour of her skin? Nope. So I said, "no, we do Christmas, it's just me." I didn't feel like giving her my "I am Canadian dammit" speech, nor explaining my lack of Christmas spirit.
*****
People need people. I had heard this before. I never wholly agreed with that. I know there are people who just can NOT be alone with themselves. I never really understood that either. To me, being alone meant freedom and independence. I came to realize however that my job became my companion, and its constant presence for so long had replaced the need for personal connections. I dealt with people on a daily basis, on the phone and in person, and that ended up being plenty enough. When I lost that long-standing companion, I was resolved to try something different, which I did... totally different. I took the businessskills knowledge I had together with my hidden creative side and started on my journey into the unknown. In this new environment, even though I was working seven days a week, it didn't feel like work... and I didn't receive any pay either. The bonus was that it took me away from my math-based, logical side and allowed me to rediscover myself. Among a myriad of other things it gave me time to do, I had more amazing conversations with people in two years than I had in the past twenty or so.
What the two ladies at the banks did not understand is that my Christmas has nothing to do with gifts and money, or "going somewhere" or "doing something". It is about that ever elusive feeling generated by the spirit... that peaceful, fuzzy, warm, cozy feeling akin to going inside after playing in the snow. Having family within five minutes reach or having a family dinner is only a small part of this. I know it is hard for most people to understand that you can stand or sit right next to someone you've known all your life and still be completely alone.
This harkens back to a time in childhood when I could see the coloured Christmas lights on the roof outside my window and I knew that one of them had to be Rudolph's nose, even though I knew in my logical little mind that it was impossible. The feeling that, even though as a kid, knowing things weren't quite normal, I would still be taken care of. I think I miss that.
Dec 24, 2010 5:00pm*****
A couple weeks ago I was at a bank and the twenty year old newbie teller asked if I was ready for Christmas. I said, no, not really... as I didn't have any money. She then proceeded to tell me that Christmas isn't like it was when she was "young", that it had become too commercialized. I said... "I agree", but didn't have the heart to tell her that my comment was a statement of fact... not a lamentation.
*****
I was running errands today and during idle chat with one of the newer, but older bank tellers, she asked if I was going anywhere or had anything planned for Christmas. I said something to the effect of "no...not much". She said "oh, is that because of your culture?" I was thinking ... "say what" or "um... what culture would that be?" But I did NOT say anything. Firstly, she wasn't white. Secondly I am not FOB. I do not sound like I came from a different country. So because I am not white, how could she make such an assumption? What culture was she implying? The culture that the grandparents had chosen to start shedding when they came to this country a mere hundred years ago? That was a pretty big generalization on her part. Did I have any pre-conceived notion of her culture because of the colour of her skin? Nope. So I said, "no, we do Christmas, it's just me." I didn't feel like giving her my "I am Canadian dammit" speech, nor explaining my lack of Christmas spirit.
*****
People need people. I had heard this before. I never wholly agreed with that. I know there are people who just can NOT be alone with themselves. I never really understood that either. To me, being alone meant freedom and independence. I came to realize however that my job became my companion, and its constant presence for so long had replaced the need for personal connections. I dealt with people on a daily basis, on the phone and in person, and that ended up being plenty enough. When I lost that long-standing companion, I was resolved to try something different, which I did... totally different. I took the business
What the two ladies at the banks did not understand is that my Christmas has nothing to do with gifts and money, or "going somewhere" or "doing something". It is about that ever elusive feeling generated by the spirit... that peaceful, fuzzy, warm, cozy feeling akin to going inside after playing in the snow. Having family within five minutes reach or having a family dinner is only a small part of this. I know it is hard for most people to understand that you can stand or sit right next to someone you've known all your life and still be completely alone.
This harkens back to a time in childhood when I could see the coloured Christmas lights on the roof outside my window and I knew that one of them had to be Rudolph's nose, even though I knew in my logical little mind that it was impossible. The feeling that, even though as a kid, knowing things weren't quite normal, I would still be taken care of. I think I miss that.
This is one of those songs I had been listening to:
When My Heart Finds Christmas (Harry Connick Jr)
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5 comments:
Great post, Spockgirl... and loved the lines: "...even though as a kid, knowing things weren't quite normal, I would still be taken care of. I think I miss that."
Thanks T1G. It is one of those things that I never really thought about before I started writing this.
I agree with T1G... great line! It makes me think back to when i was a kid and what memories I do retain.
Ralphd00d:
Christmas Eve... I'm on my blog reading your comment. Now I'm really depressed... agh. I am however chuckling to myself.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Ralphd00d:
Sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant in my comment. I have been in kind of a snarky mood.
As for memories... I still do not know exactly WHY I have so few complete memories, but I am starting to remember more as I write about things.
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