Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Verbalizing the internalizing

Have you ever been to that point in your life when you take a look around you, at your surroundings, the people in your life, who you are and your place amidst it all, and you ask yourself ... why am I here? For what purpose... to what end?

That is as far as I got on that, and let it sit for a bit. I've been here before, so I thought of just deleting it, but I didn't.

And then, I did some catching up, as I had been falling a little behind in visiting my usual haunts, and from one of my regular reads, I linked over to this beautifully written piece which provided me with answers to questions, albeit in a rather roundabout manner, that I have been internalizing for some time. For a brief moment, it made me feel small, insignificant and inadequate. Perhaps the most telling would be... inferior. It brought tears to my eyes with the stark realization of everything that I am not, which, oddly enough, I've always known. But ... contrary to what one might think, this is not a negative reaction. It made me feel something where there was nothing before. It made me feel something on a visceral level. I don't envy other people's abilities. I don't want what other people have. There is nothing that I would devour voraciously. (Not even bacon.)... Oh... wait... a burger, yes... Eggo Waffles... This is where I get side-tracked. When life is simplified, food will do that to you. Where was I? My accomplishments are few, if that, and my journey, next to non-existent. My knowledge is little, my understanding beyond my ken. My house is a mess, but I can die knowing that I am a perfectly fine example of a human being. I just didn't have a place in the world.

(Thanks to an old blogger buddy for that unintentional nudge to channel my inner emo. I have not had the opportunity to use that term before. So thank you for that as well. Never thought I would.) 


thormoo T. Davis said...

An incredible piece SG. I just love it.." I don't envy other peoples abilities" " I don't want what other people have" and finally the very BEST line of all and this is so TRUE:"I can die knowing that I am a perfectly fine example of a human being". Yes, SG you are...

Spockgirl said...

Thank you T.