I have often thought, at different times during my life, that there were just certain things that would never be a part of my life. As a kid, I knew I wasn't going to have kids, or get married. After a certain point, I knew I wasn't going to read any more books, nor would I travel any more. I also knew that I would never get to do anything more with the house. When before I had pictures and ideas, I just stopped thinking about it, because it was unrealistic. When I opened my shop, it was not something that I had always wanted to do or had thought about over the years, it was just an idea that came up and everything fell into place for me to do it. I got to be the creative me and it also allowed me to just be me, in the freedom of that environment. It was after I closed the shop that I wondered more about the personal aspect of my life. I guess it was following that adjustment, getting my first computer, and being online when everything started to unravel.
I have come to the conclusion that I wasn't meant for anything more. Life for me IS just about a job and paying bills. There is nothing more. Living in a small town with no room for growth or advancement, that is just the way it is. As everything falls apart around me, I go further into debt to exist. I have reached the point where I have no desire to seek more knowledge. I have nothing remotely resembling passion in my soul. (Not that I ever did.) I can help no one. I can barely keep my mind together. There is no hate. There is no love. One thing that remains, with its irregular heartbeat, is sadness. I contemplate many things as I lie awake in the dark, but as much as I fight it, eventually I still manage to breathe deeply and fall asleep at peace with myself, and wake up every morning new. I don't shower and wash my hair every day, but I still wash my face and brush my teeth and floss, without fail. I marvel at the mundane. I just can't seem to live is all.
(I wrote most of this the other day and finished it tonight, but once again, I hesitate. Apparently I have come full circle since I began the blog.)