Accidental necessity...

I came up with that term the other day when at a loss for figuring out the reason why certain things happen in our lives, and how we meet people by way of what seems to be a completely random sequence of events and choices. If we hadn't turned down that road instead of the other, or if we had continued on the straight path ahead of us. If we hadn't clicked that link or the next. If we hadn't walked through that doorway and said hello into the unknown void. If I hadn't? I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be pondering this very thing.

 

I fear though, that this journey will have no bearing on the outcome of my life. That it was a waste of time. That it was a series of random events and choices that changed the way I was, the way I perceived things and the way I felt about things, but it will not change my life. Would that it were the impetus for change, remains to be seen, however I highly doubt that it will be.

 

In scrutinizing my life right now, I find that I am still just going through the motions of living, that I am in fact, simply existing. I dread going to bed at night because I must face the next day. I dread getting up in the morning because I know that I must face my inadequacies, each and every day that follows. There is no dream for the future, there is no hope for something more. It just... is... And that has to be enough. The funny thing is... that if I hadn't taken this unexpected detour, I would have come to this conclusion much sooner. This little journey has afforded me the opportunity to get a glimpse of what I missed out on in not living life the way humans are meant to.