Not incomplete...

I've been thinking... trying to remember back to when I was younger. When I felt as though I didn't quite fit in with everyone else. When I'd be with a group of friends doing whatever and not feel that I was completely there. Then it dawned on me just now... It is very much so like when I was skating... I put the skates on, I could glide... I could stop... I could do shoot the ducks, but it never felt... right... It just didn't fit. It never felt as though I was missing something, or that I wasn't complete... I just didn't "fit". Of course there are moments in life when things feel fine, when they feel right and when they feel "zen". In examining those zen moments, they occurred at different times in my life (and not just three times as previously recollected), doing vastly different things... reading, drawing, writing, math, listening to music, accounting, bookkeeping, playing the piano, hitting backhands in tennis, badminton, biking, swimming laps at the pool, sitting on a rock by the river, walking in the evening during a snowfall... When I say "zen" moments doing these things, I don't just mean enjoyment of them, I mean becoming one with them. Feeling completely and totally part of the action itself, or the element. In looking at that list, all of these "actions" were those drawn from myself, done in solitude. (With the exception of badminton which had someone on the other side of the net...) Hmm...

 

So... this then got me to thinking... when was it that I first felt as though I was "missing" something in my life? Not until I lost my job and livelihood, after forty years on this planet. It was my sole reason for being. It was my sole purpose in life. By my own hand... my own action and inaction... it came to be my sole creation, but one for which there is nothing to show for it. And now, it no longer exists as a complete entity beside me. This life is empty. This life is beautiful. And there is no future in it.