Musings to nothing....

Not a good sign when the most frequent visitors to your blog for the day, week and month are from Russia or the United Arab Emirates. Also not a good sign when your last blogpost was one month ago to the day.  I don't know. I thought it was a good idea to keep the blog alive, but that becomes a wee bit difficult when you barely feel alive. Spockgirl barely muses about anything anymore. 

Nuts...

... nuts I say...

100 years

It was supposed to be the war to end all wars, but do not break faith that there will always be those who raise their hands to carry the torch. Lest ye forget.

I forgot how much I loved this song..

and singing Eddie's part in the quiet of my room...

The first twelve beats...

entered my brain, and then the words came back...

I don't know why...

Walking to dad's this evening, a song drifted into my head, and I started singing quietly to myself. "Tin can at my feet, I think I'll kick it down the street. That's no way to treat a friend. Bright before me the signs implore me, help the needy and show them the way. Human kindness is overflowing, and I think it's going to rain today."

... and then...

A fine line...

Walking home tonight, rather glad it was already dark, as small tears began to well up in my eyes, with the permeating thought, "I don't think I can do this." Immediately following that, I then wondered... should it be, "I don't think I can do this on my own."  I realized shortly thereafter that there is a very fine line between those two sentences. 

Time goes by so slowly...

It's happening again. It's been a while. It's eerily quiet too...

Sooooooo...

... tonight a song popped up in the fast food joint I was at with my sister, and we both knew said song, or at least were both familiar with it. She insisted that she had heard it on a mix-tape made by one of her friends in middle school, which would date it to the mid-70s. I said... um... it was from Foreigner "4", from the early 80s...  I said "You can google it." So she did as we were sitting there. She could have sworn that it was on that tape. I remember that I actually had that album.. maybe even on vinyl...

Oh... so... when I went to google the song to look for a link, I also looked quickly at the wiki article... and whose name did I see as a member of Foreigner? Something I did not know... Thomas Dolby... on synth... I had actually seen him in concert when he went solo. Go figure... He was actually the opening act for these guys... 

But I remember this...

Maybe it is because it was the 25th day of the month. I don't know.

I forgot...

I realize that I have been too long away from here. I also realize that I have been too long away from this thing called "Life". It would be easier to say that life just got busy, but it has not. It hasn't gotten harder either. It is just... the same as it has been. I think the best way to describe it would be... I forgot. I forgot what day it was. I forgot who I was. I forgot what you are supposed to do. I remembered the little things, like waking up, going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth, eating and having a shower. But what happens when those little things become the big things? 

So what did I do when the nothing became somewhat overwhelming? I did Spider Solitaire. I did Sudoku. Sudoku became too difficult at times, so Spider Solitaire it was. I went on Facebook. I'd watch clips. Not full videos... clips... Because my attention span, which in my entire life has been long and patient, is now almost non-existent, unless of course I digress to living dead girl, the barely alive, half-comatose creature that can walk a kilometre in a daze, and not realize what distance has been covered. 

So tonight, after trying to do the Sudoku, playing Spider Solitaire, watching episodes of "Say yes to the dress", I signed on to my blog, which I haven't done for quite some time apparently. I went to look at "Stats", and didn't really look, just clicked on the first "traffic source" which happened to be a real blog. I read it. It was a kindred spirit. A non-lifer. Although I have to admit, it would seem he actually has "a life", as he has a spouse, and probably has kids too, which is one or more ahead of me in the life department. From there, I clicked on something, I can't remember what it was now. And then clicked on an old blog that I recognized and used to read. And he had a link to an older post, which seems oddly fitting for where I am right now too. Not necessarily the content of the post, but the feel of it. 

So why did I start the blog? It was eight years ago already... I know I was lost. I know I became more lost, but at the same time also managed to find more of me somehow. I thought I didn't know what I was doing then, but now? I know that I don't know what I am doing, or what I am going to do, who I am, or what the point is. I don't know anything, and this has me worried.  

In her own words...

Who would you like to sit down and have coffee with?

Something to look forward to...

... good or bad, I don't care...
 

Alive?

Yes.

Signs of life? No.

However... this came up tonight, and there is, I suppose, some comfort in the thought... 

I'm still alive...

The half century mark of my life proved to be uneventful to say the least, and the year ended on a somewhat anti-climactic note, recovering after the open-heart surgery near the end of September, and spending Christmas visiting dad in hospital out of town. Life is funny that way, but I must acknowledge that if anything worked out, it was the timing of it all. I recovered well enough to shovel snow when it fell, and did it ever in a short period of time. I recovered well enough to be able to walk to the hospital to see dad when he was back in town. The other thing? My niece made it home for the holidays and got to see her Grandpa whilst she was here. As for life being funny,  dad had made it back to the hospital at home after the new year, but passed away unexpectedly in January. The last thing I said to him? "I'll see you tomorrow dad."  He died the next morning, before I got there.

As far as timing goes, I had three part-time jobs last year, with the third one having come up out of the blue, and ending in time before the surgery. I was, and still am, trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life, which I had to do when I turned 40, and yet again at 50... but hey...  I'm still alive... Speaking of alive... I've been hanging out here since March 7, 2010, so I just passed my eight year blogiversary. I haven't posted anything for over a month, but ... I'm still alive... I had my passport renewed a few years ago, after having not been anywhere for over 20 years  I still haven't gone anywhere. I was supposed to make use of it last year, however that didn't quite work out, but... I'm still alive... 

I don't know anything, but I will get that damn passport stamped this year. (Oh, but of course, that will most likely be after we sort through the over 53 years of accumulated life memories and belongings in dad's house.)

No... I am not on Instagram, this just fits nicely here...

A post shared by Sebastien Millon (@sebreg) on Jan 11, 2018 at 12:54pm PST