Sorry

The beauty of solitude that I so eagerly embraced settles into silent sorrow as the wind draws its dying breath and the last ray of sun and warmth fades beyond the horizon.

Rather sad thing I realized tonight. I wrote "Was my life a mistake?" the day before my mom's birthday. (She would have been ... 76 today.) Sorry mom. I wish I could say that my life didn't work out the way I planned, but I can't. I would have had to make a plan in order to be able to say that.

The failure is mine.

Ya think?

Pretty pithy previous post.

Pardon me...

I am sitting inside on a beautiful sunny day. Waiting. Always waiting. Waiting for customers, waiting for other people... always waiting. Waiting for phone calls and faxes, instructions and documentation... waiting for the day to end so I could do it again the next day. That was easier. That was living... or so I fooled myself into accepting, or believing...  Seems like a lifetime ago. Still waiting. Only now there is ... the wondering...

The other night my thoughts wandered into wondering...  Was my life a mistake? My entire life? I have written about this before... Would I have done anything different? No. Then how could it have been a mistake? I could have changed it. I could have done something different.  I could have, but I didn't and I wouldn't even now. In retrospect, I'm not even sure I would have ever considered saying "F*** it, I should ..." That is the point... what would have followed the word "should".... I do not know. Never will. To be honest, I never would have even bothered to think it.  But lately... especially on a day like today... a day both like and unlike so many before...  What the hell...  F*** it, this is stupid. I'm.... what?  I'm... closing shop...  I'm... going for a walk.   Yeah... wahoo...

Oh... and I was just thinking about a song...  Was going to post it, but ... Lou Reed couldn't sing worth sh**.

Oh... and ... pardon my language.

Cookie, cookie, cookie...

YouTubeLink.

Dammit... I made a mistake...  I had walked up to the grocery store yesterday evening, which is a brisk 18 minute walk. There were a few things on sale that I wanted to stock up on, so I arranged for a ride home. I was carrying my bag, my jacket and the grocery basket as I made my way around the store, and by the end, I was running out of arms. I had wanted to pick up an ice cream, as the little bucket of Breyer's was on for $2.99, so when I was ready, I quickly went to the freezer aisle and grabbed a Chocolate Chip Ice Cream...   or so I thought...  I got home and was unpacking the groceries when I realized that I had picked up Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough instead of just Chocolate Chip. Dammit...  Anyways... not quite my thing, but... of course... I'll eat it regardless. (Note: Sprinkle on some instant coffee crystals and it is not too bad... )

Funny thing is, I have been thinking about Chocolate Chip Cookies for a couple weeks or so...  The big thin, slightly crisp, slightly chewy kind that I remember one of the aunt's used to make. I was so very tempted to bake.

Cookie, cookie, cookie....

This morning in an email I received this. I couldn't stop smiling.

YouTubeLink. (Views 114,074)

Oddly enough, I have found myself on Sesame Street before. And just the other day, I had been thinking about the Tickle Me Elmo that my niece had when she was a baby. Somehow I have a vague recollection of being able to imitate that (perhaps annoying?) laugh. Hmm... seems like a long time ago.

I wish I could...

I got a kick out of this horoscope.

"Independence is key for you, Aries, so even though it may not be Independence Day, feel free to celebrate anyhow. Give thanks to all the freedoms you have, and make sure you're taking advantage of them. You are your own entity with a strong life force that's capable of anything. Gather your spirit, mount your horse, and ride off to adventure."

Yes to the independence part, but no Independence Day up here, or any likelihood of celebrating. Yes to the giving thanks to all the freedoms, but no to the taking advantage of them. Yes to the own entity/strong life force, but struggling with it and the capable of anything part. As to the last... I wish I could.

ps:  Why was I looking at horoscopes instead of sleeping and why was I writing this at 3:30 in the morning? Well... I fell asleep sometime around 1AM... Woke up at 2:05AM... completely wide awake...  that's why. I suppose I could say "I wish I could sleep"... but technically I already did... for one whole hour. So... good night, good morning.

Oh... I just realized how well this ties in to the previous post.

Dysfunction...

I have no idea whatsoever what made me think of this song tonight. Grabbed the CD to take a listen, and then went agoogling for a link and info...  Catchy tune from 1997 by a Brit band called Pitchshifter. I think I first heard it on one of the Mortal Kombat soundtracks. Ah... it must have been the repetitive lyrics and the word dysfunction that seemed appropriate to me.

YouTubeLink.

1,000 miles

I have had a song drifting around my head for a while now, so I went agoogling for it tonight. For some reason I thought the distance mentioned was 1,000 miles... but turns out it was only 500...  It was this one by the Proclaimers. I guess I'm having trouble with numbers in general, as I also thought that the song was from maybe ten years ago or so. Hard to believe it has been over twenty.

Normally I would have some sort of segue or backstory into the song that I was thinking about, but in this case, I got a little side-tracked by something that I noticed on the sidebar and clicked on, which was just... so much...  not better... but ... evil...  Enjoy. (Ah... yes... you do have to listen to whole thing.)

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The ever-changing canvas...

Smoke Tree

This was taken the day after the photo below which I had originally posted with links to other pictures of the same tree at different times of the year, here.

The Last Road Trip...

Sundown on the highway.

Summer's Illusion...

The shrouded reflections

of leaves rustling in the wind

are ripples in a nonexistent pool

of water on the wall

or heat rising off the pavement

in Summer's wondrous illusion

that calms my soul and opens my heart

ckiMay3 1988

It is hard to believe I wrote that twenty-three years ago, but that the words have somehow remained so fresh in my mind.

Delusion?

If you find that a connection you have made is a figment of your delusion, should you sever the connection or vanquish the delusion?

A rather strange thought.

From the garden...

Summer came late this year, and it seems that everything in the garden has accelerated growth since the beginning of August when the sun started to last more than just two days in a row.  Sadly, the Peace rose and one of the blue Hydrangeas didn't bloom at all this year, and apparently the beautiful Casablanca Lily has faded into oblivion after a few short years.

Walking on clouds...

No... not me...

Over here.

A moment of clarity...

Silent soul laid bare before me

Where the snow dusted mountains kiss the sky

And I

I fade into the cold gray Earth

My breath, my heart are lost

My body, my being scream

In that I find serenity

Where despair should be

For the waste of woes and worries

Vanish in a moment of clarity

ckiJune19 2010

I am yours...

Where others might find madness

I find tranquility

Where others might find loneliness

I find Peace

Where others might fight their demons

I embrace mine

Where others seek companionship

I am yours you are mine

Where others fear you

You give me strength

You shall be mine even unto death.

ckiFeb17 2009 - Solitude

This is from my vault of Solitude and Peace, a couple years before I came to this.

There is before me a candlelight

Whispering goodnight.

I close my weary eyes and sleep...

a peaceful sleep.

(Exerpt from an odd poem I wrote probably twenty or so years ago, dreaming of sleep.)

To honour the fallen since last time, and those that have gone before so that we may sleep... peaceful sleeps.

U.S. (Illi, Mass, NY (2), Fla, Tex, Minn, Mich,

        Okla (4), SD, Md, Cali (2), Ore, NJ (2), Neb)

NZ

Australia

UK

France

I'll regret this in the morning...

I know I have to figure myself out on my own. All the "what am I going to do" and "where am I going with my life"... these are things that I have to determine on my own. See... though... my problem right now is that I don't see myself at all... in any sort of future. There is no reason for me to look back and there is no reason for me to look forward. There is just me... here... now...   To put it simply, I need sleep so why am I not sleeping?

The space between spaces...

Champagne Thursday...

Well... technically it would be "Sparkling Wine", not Champagne. I had been holding off on splurging on either Vodka coolers or a bottle of wine, but today, perhaps the hottest day of summer yet, I just went for it. The added value was that the Liquor Store is air-conditioned. Anyways, I decided on a cheap German sparkling wine... a Henkell Rose. I'm not really a wine drinker, so I tend to prefer the sweet wines over the dry... and the bubblier the better. This was labelled Sweetness Code "01" so it would be more on the dry side, but I wanted something light and easy, so this seemed suitable. 

Beautiful blush tone with persistent effervescence both in the glass and on the palate. Not quite to my taste, but not that bad for less than $15. Several years ago I discovered what I deem to be a great inexpensive German White Wine... a Langenbach Kabinett, which at the time cost a whopping $7.45. Cheap... yes... but better to me that a lot of the $30 bottles out there. I know absolutely nothing in particular about the quality of wine, just what I happen to like. I also keep an open mind, knowing that just because something costs more does not mean that it is inherently better.

Hmm.... I was just thinking... I know that when I was a little kid I got to try "champagne". As far as I know, it was probably Baby Duck, a very cheap, very sweet, Canadian made sparkling wine. I don't remember it, but my mom later told me what I had said after I tasted it... that it made my tummy laugh.  Pretty close to "persistent effervescence".

Dreams, desire and motivation...

Two totally unrelated videos caught my attention. The first one had me laughing ... because..  well... I know that poor dude, and I am also familiar with the princess. The second one is reminiscent of a couple cool movies that I like, but if I say which ones, it will give away the story. Just watch 'em both...

YouTubeLink.

YouTubeLink.

Curtsy to Noah (from Noahware.)

Well... I thought initially that the two videos were unrelated, but I soon realized that there definitely is a connection, at least in my trippy universe. Living your life inside walls whether of your own creation or not, you have to want something more. It is the type of person you are, the quality of your character, which determines what those wants might be. It is rather interesting... or perhaps weird, that this came up at this particular time, considering where I have been / where I am now, and the content of my previous post "Undone", in which I said:

"Complacency is the slayer of dreams... of desire... of motivation.

What the hell do I want? Why did I wait so long to ask myself that question?"