Today...

Tis hard to explain...

... isn't it? The only way I could think of saying it before was that I'd lost my way. Well, I did lose my way, many years ago, and I suppose I am still lost, but now it is just... different. Now what comes to mind is that my light has gone out. It is no longer that I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but more akin to the movie "Pitch Black" with Vin Diesel battling these nocturnal nightmarish creatures that are only kept at bay where there is light. Only here, there is no darkness, no creatures, but rather a void... filled with ringing... just ringing. A quiet, constant ringing in the ears to keep me company when there is nothing else.

Happy New Year...

[insert inspirational words here]

Gotta love the Irish...

 

It just may be that this is funnier than watching Canadians who have won Olympic medals.

 

Oh hell yeah...

It's been overdone, but I don't care.

I am fine...

 

I knew some time had passed since my previous post, and in light of that fact, and the nature of said post, the only thing I could think of to say is "I am fine.", and this song came to mind.
 

Counting Crows - Colorblind by pfefferminzherz

Eroding...

I feel this terrible guilt that has been building, for getting trapped inside my head, and not trying harder to escape. Not trying harder, period. I have moments when the grip loosens and I am able to function on a reasonable level in order to accomplish daily tasks out of necessity, however, on a day like today, the vise tightens and I am filled with the pervasive, ominous sense of futility. Nothing... then sadness... I can feel myself eroding.

To be or to atrophy...

 

The word that came to mind today in regards to my present and ongoing state of being or condition, is "atrophy".  It seemed the perfect choice, but then what was that other word, perhaps less common... "entropy"... So, in thinking that I may not have the definition correct in my brain, I went to check. Well...

atrophy:

1 : decrease in size or wasting away of a body part or tissue; also : arrested development or loss of a part or organ incidental to the normal development or life of an animal or plant

2 : a wasting away or progressive decline

entropy:

1. : a measure of the unavailable energy in a closed thermodynamic system that is also usually considered to be a measure of the system's disorder, that is a property of the system's state, and that varies directly with any reversible change in heat in the system and inversely with the temperature of the system; broadly : the degree of disorder or uncertainty in a system

2 a : the degradation of the matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity b : a process of degradation or running down or a trend to disorder

3 : chaos, disorganization, randomness

 

In light of my current, rather subtle in appearance, decay and decline in both physical and mental capacity, it would appear that both would be appropriate word choices. Only one thing remains to be said...

 

"To be or not to be... that is the question."

 

Quiet chaos...

I must find a way to escape this quiet, chaotic, swirling mess that is my brain. Or is it perhaps the fierce battle erupting between that which is my logic and the now more prevalent human frailty? If anyone were to see me at these moments, they would, if at all, simply see someone sitting quietly in contemplation, not this angst-filled, directionless castaway of the ship called life.

47

Ronin Motorworks from Ronin Motorworks on Vimeo.

A prayer for the lost...

In this cold, empty room

On this endless, empty road

When you’ve lost your way

And there is no end in sight

When there is no light to guide you

Or lead you from the darkness

I cannot help you...

I am with you there...

If I could, I would take your hand and lift you up

If I could, I would raise you up from this place...

But I cannot...

 

cki2016

Very cool...

... but weird... seeing how old they look now... considering U2 was my thing in high school...

A lot going on here...

No, not here, here...
Here... 

It seems quite some time since I've heard anything new from them, but I have been remiss...  I just checked and apparently they released two albums that I completely missed.

The question remains...

Blogging isn't what it used to be. Well... life isn't what it used to be either, so I guess all is fair in life and blogging. Wait... what? What am I doing? Drifting, floating, meandering. Pleasantly struggling. The question remains. What am I going to do? It has been years now. Not months. YEARS. I have gained no ground whatsoever. No progress has been made. Personal growth perhaps, but no actual progress. Telling yourself "You'll figure it out." keeps you afloat, but doesn't get you anywhere. Saying "I need help." doesn't really help. I think divine intervention or a fairy godmother might be of great assistance in this thing called life.

Hmmm...

Interesting... I just received a warning that blocked me from my own blog. Nice.

Fifteen years ago...

Why this song?

Breakthrough?

So often in the past few years I had found myself staring blankly at my hands... or at the floor... for the most part accompanied by a feeling of despair and tears... Recently I realized, in a given moment, that I had been looking up at the ceiling instead.

Friday night dance party...

I suppose some kind of celebration was in order for blogpost no. 1800.

Perhaps the universe is coming back into alignment...

(nb: There were only 86 YouTube views at the time I saw it.)