Funked up...

I have been in a funked up funk today. It may even be the mother of all funks... not quite, but you may get the picture. I don't even feel like eating ice cream... What is up with that? I went for a walk downtown, visited a friend's shop and I just felt... heavy... there... and back. The sun had just come out even though it wasn't expected to and it had warmed up considerably, but even that didn't seem to have any brightening, warming effect on my soul. I stopped at the corner store on the way home and picked up a Reese Ice Cream bar and a new flavour of Doritos that I noticed in the rack... Jacked Smoky Chipotle BBQ. (In French, they translated it on the package to: Colosssal BBQ Chipotle Fume, which I just found funny for some reason.) Got home, put the ice cream bar in the freezer and the bag of chips on the table. And... there they wait. Sigh.

Things happen for a reason...

I just don't know why...

Struggling inside my head a little more than usual in the past few days... (moreso than in the past few weeks... months...) However, as sure as there are things that take me there, there are things that bring me back. I am thankful for those things. I found myself singing a few words to a song this morning... I suppose in a way it reminded me of that.

... which then brought this back to mind from a few years ago (seventeen or eighteen years counts as a few right?) ...

(Found a live version... but you have to ignore the stage lighting.)

How's this for that?

The This that doesn't exist

the elusive This that it is,

Is an invisible thing, an intangible thing

more confounding than the This that is.

Now confusing as that This can be

considering it can't be seen,

I have to say... it is nothing compared

to the That that is behind the This.

Now... that That I have to admit

is that that is hard to resist,

but that That wouldn't exist

without the This that is.

How's that for this? Philoseussical enough? (I did it all in one shot... nuts I say...)

I can't breathe...

heart palpitations...

YouTubeLink (Views 688,170)

Seriously? I would have hit the pole... or scraped my legs off... or ridden over the edge...

Curtsy to the Borderline Sociopathic Blog for Boys for that heart wrenching experience. I could almost feel my teeth chattering... (Almost makes me want to dust the cobwebs off the bike and go for a quick jaunt through the trails ... not really.)

This...

The This that doesn't exist...

That is all I could muster. I was thinking that perhaps I should pursue this in a philoseussical manner. In poetry rather than prose. When my brain returns... If.

The Avengers

Further to my initial thoughts on this movie, I am not going to go into details about it, even though it is fresh in my mind, having just finished seeing it in the theatre. All I shall say for now is that I enjoyed it immensely. There was a moment when I felt like a little kid with a big smile on my face seeing Iron Man and Captain America standing side by side on the big screen. It had a lot going on and great pace, and there were elements which sort of reminded me of The Chronicles of Riddick and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. This was a massive undertaking for writer/director Joss Whedon, well known for being the creator, writer and director of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, but I think he did a smashing job, and his sense of humour shines through. On a side note, I knew that he had written Toy Story, but was not aware until tonight that he had also penned Titan A.E., all these shows being personal favourites of mine.

It is a splurge for me to see a movie in the theatre, so I have to feel that it is something pretty epic to do so. I do think this was worth it, but even though it was of a huge scale, I don't know if I could consider it as epic as Thor. Of course though, this may have to do with the fact that Thor involved otherworlds, not just Earth, or... that my opinion may have been slightly distorted by the latecomers who decided to sit in front of me, and who were perhaps the two tallest people in town. I definitely have to watch it on DVD.

Cost = Movie: $6 (cheap night) + Popcorn and drink: $6 = $12

Angry little boys and girls...

So... quite some time ago, I created a South Park Avatar for myself and then two other bloggers, just for fun. One of them, I didn't actually realize how close I was to the real thing until I saw a picture of his nephew this year. Of course though, the nephew was much cuter. Heh. Anyways, a couple weeks ago, at one of the blogs I regularly read, there was a post relating to the trials and tribulations of being dad to a 14 year old son who was NOT doing homework assignments and lagging behind. Sounds familiar eh? This prompted me to create an avatar for said dad... I did send it along to him before posting this... Thankfully, he liked it.

Ralphd00d

The funny thing about this? Way back when I created those first avatars, I also made one for the mother to a boy about the same age. I didn't realize until just now, but I used the same expression on both. Hmm... I call this one "Angry Little Girl".

 

Perspectives...

Dime on dandelion (2011)

Pondering personal perspective.

Poetic perspective.

Pragmatic perspective by a rather inspiring man. Go... read.

Nifty

Ingenuity...

Oh and on a similar theme:

(Kinda makes me wonder how many times he practiced doing this.)

From the Borderline Sociopathic Blog for Boys.

Garden Peace

"Snowball" Viburnum

Was out in the yard for six hours on Saturday (beautiful, hot and sunny) and four on Sunday (sunny, cloudy, cooler), primarily weeding one of the garden beds and pruning back a rather overgrown climbing rosebush. I now have two and a half extra-large clear bags full of weeds, 90% of which are ... the damned... buttercups. This is the worst I've seen it it ten years. Of course, I could have made a pre-emptive strike in the fall and then in early spring, but I was rather neglectful in that regard. I only took a hardline stance on the dandelions as they spread their seed more efficiently. However, I think that perhaps the buttercups are slightly more insidious with their sneaky tentacles weaving through the grass and moss. Oh.. and I'm not done yet... I have four other garden beds to attack, the largest being about twenty feet long... but I think that is mostly long grass and clover that crept in.

I didn't get around to cutting any Lilacs to take in the house this year and they are practically done now for the season. The photo above is some "Snowball" Viburnum that I cut from the rather overflowing bush out front. They sort of look like Hydrangeas, but the petals and heads are much smaller and "fluffier".

Oh... and last year, I tried to pull out the pink and red Lupines before they went to seed, so that I would have just white and blue... The other day I noticed the Lupines blooming... What do I have? Mostly pink and red. Only one white and one blue... Go figure.

No reason...

Just a song by a band I didn't really listen to that much, but which wandered back from the past the other day and again today.

When I found that link, I took a listen to a few more songs that I hadn't heard before, or don't recall, and came upon this one, which just seems to feel right tonight... for no reason.

Not forgotten...

Forget Me Nots

It is not rich, it is not rare,
This little flower – yet, ah, how fair.
Though it no merit else may claim
But this, “the magic of a name,”
Each tiny leaf into my ear
Is breathing names to memory dear;
The dead, the absent, the forgot,
Are whisp’ring here, “Forget-me-not.”

From "The Forget Me Not" by George Pirie
(Scottish Canadian poet, b. 1799)


To honour the fallen since last time:

U.K. (4)
U.S. (Oregon, Kansas (3), California (4),
         Illinois, Indiana (2), Virginia,
        Oklahoma, New Mexico, Missouri,
        Texas (2), Arizona, Tennessee, 
        Kentucky, North Carolina, Ohio (2), 
        Arkansas, Minnesota, New York)

I just don't know...

I think I must be going nuts. I cannot find the me who I was. I do not know the me who I am, and I have no clue as to the me who I am supposed to be.

Ever had the desire to

skydive?

Pretty damn scary. However, I think that if it was something I wanted to do, this wouldn't change my mind.

There was an accident up here in B.C. recently where a young woman became detached from her harness whilst tandem hanggliding for the first time, which resulted in her falling 1000 feet to her death. It has apparently since been determined as hangglider pilot error... or perhaps more appropriately... negligence.

Wide awake...

I went to bed just before 2am...  I woke up at ... 3:20am. Wide awake. I am still wide awake. It hasn't happened quite like this since 2010. Hmm... I wonder what's going on. I am lucid, my head is "on" and eyes are clear for a change. ... Oh... and...  I am also hungry... very hungry. Maybe Fluffy had something to do with it, like Linus' binky. 

Say hello to my little friend...

No, I do not have stuffed animals on my bed. This was brought to my door tonight by my niece. A belated Easter present she said. He's pretty damn soft... and ... cuddly... So I took some pictures of him and me... just for fun. I call them Cuddly and Fluffy. Hahahahaha. Right now, as I'm typing this, he is tucked under my left arm, keeping me warm, with my chin resting on his head.

The lamb thing is sort of funny... My Zodiac sign is Aries, the Ram... and in the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Sheep. For several years at Christmas I used to give my sister an ornament of the Lion and Lamb... because her Zodiac sign is Leo, the Lion... and oddly enough, in the Chinese Zodiac, she is a Tiger. Just one of those weird things.

I am the what?

(No... not I am the walrus... koo koo ka choo... What the heck did that mean anyways?)

I am the slinky...

Sitting here watching it in motion, I came to that realization. This may even be more fitting than "I am the hamster." 

Curtsy to Harvey of Bad Example.

Still...

Am I avoiding sleep or is it avoiding me? I want it and I need it, I just don't want to put my head on the pillow for some reason. As I sat here pondering, yet not re-reading the post I just wrote, wondering if it even made sense, the word "still" came to mind, which brought forth the thought of that song "Still" by ... the Commodores? Or was it a Lionel Richie solo? I don't know. Big sister had the piano sheet music for that song too... I went agoogling and found a link and took a listen, but that got me confused with another song by Mr. Richie... "Lady", which I recall Kenny Rogers singing as well. Of course, now the songs just seem to sound the same... and not just sappy. I am not feeling so evil tonight as to post the links. I wouldn't want to contribute to someone walking down the street humming one of them. Nasty little earworms would they be.

Well, on my Google journey, I found that "Still" was by the Commodores, but "Lady" was a Lionel Richie solo. I searched images too and found that photo, which for some strange reason I seem to remember.

Great... now I have that song and picture in my head. Argh...

Does it even exist?

I've always been perfectly fine with being alone in the quiet stillness of my quiet little corner of the world. It just always felt "right". Even as a kid, when a lot of kids go through a "not fitting in" stage, I did manage to fit in, but as a marginal outsider, it didn't feel quite right. The being alone part felt more "right" than the fitting in part. This carried over into adulthood as well. School friends went on to university and I started a job the first week after school got out. I didn't know what I wanted to do with life, so this was something to do until I figured out what I was going to be when I grew up. It was rather funny, each year when the high school kids had their last day of regular classes, they would hop in their cars, take to the streets and drive in line through town honking their horns. I remember doing this too, so many years ago. It was freedom. Each year, almost every year, I would be sitting in the same place in that office and would hear the horns honking... and think to myself... oh... another year has passed.  For over twenty years... I heard those horns... Freedom they said.

Old school friends finished their post-secondary educations, got married, had kids, some even moved back to raise their families. And there I was at the office ... still. Not knowing what I was going to do with my life. Time had passed, years gone by, people fade in and out of touch, but mostly out. In such a small town, you figure this wouldn't be the case, but that's just the way it is. I've heard that even people who move to town find it difficult to find a niche...  It's "clicky" they say... just like it was in school. But some old chums, even if you don't keep in contact with, you see them and pick up conversation as if no time has passed, even though so much has changed in their lives.

The big thing with kids here back in the day was to be able to go to parties and drink. I have a feeling it is still like that nowadays, but with much more available choices. The funny thing is that on the rare occasion when friends came back from university to visit their parents, the get-togethers with chums usually involved discussions pertaining to the parties and drinking whilst away at university. I think four of my friends met their future husbands at bars. Two are still married to those same guys and two are now married to new ones. Life goes on.

I do not travel in the same circles as those I used to hang with. I am fine with that. I am still for the most part, fine with being alone. However I do think that living in this quiet peaceful little town can be cold. I never really thought of that before. It isn't like I don't know my neighbours and don't chat with them on occasion when I see them. It isn't like I don't have family nearby. Those are the things that make life bearable now. I think that before, my heart was cold and didn't mind the cold environs. I feel that as I get older, being alone only perpetuates the cold... and as such, I either have to shut down completely, or I need something more to warm my heart. The only thing is... that something I need ... I won't find here.

Contemplating change...

I've been looking at the Blogger Templates every so often for a while now, seeing if there is one that I might like to switch to, considering that when I created this blog, I just started with a blank slate, picking the background colour, fonts, font colours, header placement, etc... At the time when I started blogging, I hadn't seen that many blogs, nor any like it, so I just thought of it as uniquely me. There's also a newer set of templates called "Dynamic Views", which is kinda cool, but not really me. I took some screen shots of some of the options so I'd be able to get a visual "feel"...

How about this one?

Um... no...

This wasn't bad...

I really liked this one, but it just still seems... too happy light, even though I like the colour.

The only one that seems to fit is this one, and I think it would be easier to read because of the increased size, but I sort of like the fact that the one I made was plain and simple, with single items on a black background... no highlighted little boxes or cubby holes for each thing. It was basic and simple, but not standard issue.

This is one of the "Dynamic Views", which, although completely different from the look right now, I could see how this would work well for new visitors on a blog trying to generate more traffic.

Right now it feels as though I am still in the "fading out" stage and still don't know what I am doing here or here. Change is an absolute necessity and I have been struggling with the how or to what and for why bother for quite some time now. Would that it were as easy as changing the blog template.