Greetings from Spockgirl Musings, where logic rules, but the frailties of
human nature, genetic inadequacies and hormonal imbalances wreak havoc.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Speaking of bunnies...


Pretty damn funny further to this and the fact that this is one of the songs I have posted on the sidebar.


So... yes, I burst out laughing, but then after it finished I realized that it is actually just a wee bit twisted. On a similar note, a while back I had posted this.

Curtsy to T1G for the laugh.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

That sucked...

... but... sometimes that's all I've got, even moreso as of late. I think I summed it up best in an email I sent today. "I feel as though I have no words left. Actually it feels more like I have nothing left, as in ... I check to make sure I still have a pulse."

Words?











Saturday, January 28, 2012

The One...


Wasn't really a big Sir Elton fan, but I did and still do greatly appreciate that he was a singer, songwriter, piano player and performer... and... he did make some beautiful music. This is another song from the compilation CD I mentioned yesterday.



And... no... I never believed in all that .... "The One"... crap. I have been in a silent funk for the past couple weeks or so, and I keep forgetting that I need music. Listening to stuff from different times in my life, I am now starting to wonder if I need it because I don't have a heartbeat unless I am listening to some kind... almost any kind... of music that moves me... in some way. (Here's another one on that same CD. Yeah, it's great for a laugh.)

Friday, January 27, 2012

Ah... the memories...


Once again a memory I have  that is attached to music. Back in the late 90s I used to swim lengths at the pool, and the lifeguards were stern and firm in keeping order, but they also had personality and a sense of humour. They used to play music over the PA system, and for whatever reason, I remember one time the cutie young lifeguard on duty shaking his booty to this on deck.


Great song. Would that I had that kind of energy now.

Another day without you...


So... sometime this afternoon, the internet died. Not just my connection, but apparently the town where I live. I ran all the tests to make sure, and was also advised a little later on that it was kaput for an indeterminate period of time. Eight or nine hours later, probably some time around midnight, the little green light finally came back on. During the time that I was not able to connect, a song popped up in my head... from the early 90s.



I have no idea why, but I just liked that song when it came out. It is rather sappy, but very... catchy. The funny thing is that it is on a compilation CD with some other sappy and funky dance songs, but ... also this, which was on the soundtrack to this movie, which for some unknown reason I have a fondness for (and have on VHS).  (If you go check that song out, just be thankful that I didn't link to the original video... Gah!)

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Childhood...


I have been trying to decide for a while now if I should write something from my childhood, but haven't quite got there yet. Wait.. that sounds weird. I meant that I haven't quite got to the words yet. Anyways, the other day I went looking at those silly quizzes and one of them was "What childhood game are you?", so of course I had to do it.


You Are Rock-Paper-Scissors


You are very smart and mentally inclined person. You like games that test your brainpower.

You are good at noticing patterns and making predictions. You can size other people up well.

It may not seem like there's a lot to what you do, but you have a strategy for everything.

You tend to think through every decision you make carefully, but you're also sure not to over think anything.


Oh... something else rather funny, further to this post, there was also this video questioning the logic of the game.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Freedom


I received an email from big sis the other day, that she had received from a friend. It was one of those beautiful stories that you are asked to pass on to at least one other person. I was thinking of posting the email here, but decided to go agoogling first. I am glad I did, as I found this:


Read more about Sarvey Wildlife Care Centre here.

Not directly related to this story, a pencil sketch I attempted in 1992, which I had posted in the Gallery.

Heavy...


Yeah... that was a little heavy. I do feel a wee bit better for having written it though.

A storm...


Floopy... I feel floopy. My limbs feel heavy, my body listless, yet somehow internally I am churning. There is a dull ache in my head and a weight upon it, a vise like grip compressing ever so gently. My stomach is in knots, but at least tonight not from a lactose intolerance episode.  There is a storm going on outside with moments of calm and massive gusts of wind apparently reaching up to 90kph. The light flickers a few times as the house rattles and creaks, the windows shake.  I liken what I am experiencing to that storm. I am floopy yet somehow tense. The compressions, an unknown, unseen force, come and go like the wind outside. I am at a loss for my life, this empty hole that I created. I have been slowly imploding over time. I have been so calm and so at peace, when I shouldn't have been. My light now flickers and dims. I do not know if I can outlast the darkness... or the storm that rages within me. I cannot seem to find my way.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sometimes you just know?


How is it that I can say "I don't much like the direction I see myself heading in.", when I've never been there before?

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Falling...

... fading...

I had those two words on the tips of my fingers, but then I thought to myself, I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute. I opened them a moment later to find that three hours had passed in that minute. Apparently Time mocks me. The funny thing is that a short while back, I had used the words "Closing walls and ticking clocks" as the title to a post, referring to a line in a song. It would appear that Time is only excruciatingly slow when I am awake.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

The inevitable...

... Slush Day...

Temperature has risen over 15 degrees in less than 24 hours... 10 degrees of which were in the past 12 hours.  This isn't going to be pretty. I might go test the waters later.

My own personal igloo...




This is the front yard after five days straight of snow.
Yeah... that was a fair bit of shovelling, even for me.

Time...

seems to be going by excruciatingly slow today... tonight. This happens every so often, and it feels as though I am being given extra hours, extra minutes, extra seconds, to think... to mull things over... to agonize over what is, what was, what wasn't, what isn't.  But... oddly enough, rarely, or lately never, what could be. I sit here with my right knee crossed over my left, my hands neatly folded in my lap, staring blankly at the keyboard. Silence. Black. Empty. Gray. Blank. Clouded nothing. No wayward wistful wanting or wandering. There is but a weight... and a wait, for what I do not know.

Friday, January 20, 2012

A few words...

... came to mind today, but I'm not sure from whence they came:

What once was and is no longer, shall never be again.

Every once in a while in the past year or so, it feels as though something is missing in my life. As I am sitting here writing this, I realized the rest of that sentence to be:  ... but should never be forgotten. In light of that thought I wish to honour the fallen since last time:

U.S. (Ind (3), Cali (2), Ill, Wisc, Ariz, Mass, Okla, Wa,
        Idaho, Ark, Va, Ky, Mich, Pa, Md, NM, SC, Tex)
U.K. (2)
France (6)

Caged...




Ah... we are still under a beautiful blanket of snow, these are from some time in the 90s, in the garden of a little old lady who lived down the street.

(Update:  I just realized how much I like that fence.)

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Almost

... almost...


Someone just visited the blog via something in the archives, so I clicked on it. Just on a whim, I decided to pop over there and try it again... and... got this... thus causing my fit of laughter...

spockgirl-musings.blogspot.com
WANTED FOR THE NON-STOP SLAYING of a DAZZLING BUNNY RABBIT
$3000

Created by OnePlusYou

AND... I must add... that although I would very much like to show why exactly I found this so completely funny, I am not so evil as to do so.

Update:  Ah... how could I have forgotten to include this:


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I scream because I want to...

... no not really. 

Some songs you just feel a kinship with as soon as you hear them regardless of if they have any bearing whatsoever on your life at the time. This is one of those songs.


Oddly enough, it seems to be apropos now for a couple of reasons. And... I never knew anything about this song, which I heard in the late 90s, other than who sang it until I went agoogling for a link tonight.

A Winter Visit...

Yesterday...

Looks like I had a visitor at the front door.

Hmm... the other day, I did say "The Ice Man cometh"...  Apparently he came to the front porch as well.



Oh... and there was more after that... which I finished shovelling just after 9:30pm... and more today... but not as much, so I only had to go out and shovel once. Was still swirling and drifting with temps of -13C to -16C, windchill made it -23C to -26C, but at least the snow has stopped for now. Glad I went grocery shopping on Saturday. Had picked up a small package of beef and made chili yesterday, but damned if I don't have tortilla chips or crusty rolls to go with. Sigh.

What do you do...

... when you don't know what to do... when everything about you and your life has fallen apart ... when your life is cold and empty because that is what you created?

Auto-correct



The previous post was an "auto-corrected" version of the first photo, which is of this tree. I just thought it looked pretty funky both ways, almost like something as could be seen on the ocean floor.


Tuesday, January 17, 2012

What is it?

Took this tonight.


Snort...


Yeah, I read these for a laugh...  but this one I actually snorted and fluid came out of my nose.

"Love will come your way if you let it. If you don't it'll hit you over the head and run away really fast."

My first winter expotition...

of the year. The first two times I went out to shovel snow today, it was coming down like there was no tomorrow. It didn't seem that cold, so I couldn't figure out why my fingers felt frozen so soon after being outside. Then.. my cheeks... Hmm.... Every now and then I would kneel down, curl up my fingers in the gloves and blow into them to warm up the icicles within. It helped... just a little. I was out there about an hour each time, and in that duration, it would appear that the rate of snow falling was perhaps 2 to 3 inches per hour. In the previous post I mentioned the beautiful, fluffy snowflakes... twirling and dancing... Well... as we all know, twirling and dancing snowflakes means that the wind is directionless and swirling... therefore, you try to shovel light fluffy snow and it comes flying back at you. Insult to injury, I was standing under the big fir tree and ploof... a pile of snow landed on my head, prompted by a gust of wind. Good thing it wasn't a branch. Anyways, I decided to check the weather online and found out that the reason my fingers felt frozen was because it was actually minus 8... with a windchill of minus 16... So, there you have it. Silly me.

So, in the early evening, sitting in the house, my body was starting to feel rather cold, and a tad ... achy... I'm surprised that I wasn't more sore from Saturday and Sunday's shovelling. I was thinking of not making the short trek to the obligatory twice-weekly sporting activity, but decided to go for it anyways. Thus I began my first winter expotition. Changed clothes, added clothes on top of clothes, socks on top of socks, jacket, toque, winterboots... bag, racquet... all set... Open the door... more snow... still snowing. Sigh. Although still light and fluffy, on the way there it was slippery underneath in some spots... Made it without incident, only to find ... no one else there and the door locked. Sigh. As I was heading back out the parking lot, another person showed up walking as well...  Heavy sigh. I had checked earlier in the day and knew that it wasn't a "snow day", but apparently the teachers and students left school earlier than usual. Oh well... Walked back home... still snowing... unpacked my gear and grabbed the shovel once again. Normally, after I was finished, I would have flooped down on that huge pile of snow and started making a couch out of it, but it just seemed too damn cold.

It stopped snowing for a bit, but started again, however as of right now, I cannot tell how much is coming down, as the lovely single pane glass windows I have are frosted over... nay... frozen over. I just actually scraped the icy coating on the inside of the window with my fingernail to see if I could clear a spot. Nice.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Ice Man Cometh...

... and so it begins...

Third day in a row. Today however it is Charlie Brown snow... beautiful, big, fluffy, almost fake-looking as it falls from the sky twirling and dancing...

I must have been sleeping...


I was showered and in bed before 10pm tonight. Very, very rare occurrence that be. Lights off before 11. I must have slept, but it sure as heck doesn't feel like it. I say I must have slept because I was dreaming. I know I checked the time on the cellphone a couple times, the latest one being 2:16. Strange dream or dreams... not sure exactly what was going on, as it seems to be in snapshots, or vignettes even. The main part was going into a room in a house that I had never been in or seen, but knowing that I had been in that room before. Knowing it to be haunted by some presence and going into that room with a friend to look for something, despite serious misgivings and a heavy feeling. Looking in a box of some sort and then having something try to pull the box away, and tugging back and forth with it. Then a young man with dark brown hair appeared and started asking questions in a very polite, casual and pleasant manner. There wasn't much to the conversation as the dreams kept switching to other things. Anyways, I remember that he wanted to know my name and he told me his... the only reason he had appeared is because he thought me to be Japanese. His name was Paul and his last name started with a K I think. He had died sometime just near the end of the war or after. And that was it for that "vignette". One of the others involved me cooking steak on a huge, huge cooktop of some sort, but the steaks weren't cooking at all... and another was me, but not me, as some little kid in the past, in a house I didn't recognize, going to the door to see as someone was coming home on a cold winter evening with many trout or some other kind of little fishes.

So that was my latest attempt at going to bed early and at a much more decent, normal hour. Oh... and now... of course... what else, but I'm hungry.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

My snowboots almost killed me...



By Saturday morning 8:30AM, it was still snowing (had started sometime before 1AM) and by 9:30 it was coming down like mad... I went out to shovel and was out there for an hour and a half. It was beyond snowman snow... it was almost good enough for igloo snowblocks. Would push it a foot and there would be a huge brick on the shovel... I was worried that this newest one would break too, so I was very careful... also being careful not to swivel my back, in order to avoid last year's agony. As I was shovelling away down the sidewalk, I heard a huge thunderous cracking sound and looked up to see a huge limb, not just a branch, falling from one of the very very tall evergreens in the churchyard across the street.  Heavy stuff, and getting heavier. Anyways... throughout the day, the snow stopped and started a few times... turned to rain for a bit... then started again. Someone said this evening that it was supposed to snow another foot. Hmm...  I was a little bit too wet and tired today to build anything, but maybe, just maybe tomorrow...

Which reminds me of something earlier today. I was walking home from the corner store late this afternoon and was smiling for some reason, and realized that "I think I feel like a little kid when I'm wearing snowboots." That comment came up in a conversation, followed by:

"Actually I look like a little kid when I'm out in the snow."

The response a nano-second later being:
"Probably look like a little kid your own five footish self."


Had a good hardy laugh at that one.

Anyways... I had started writing this and was going to hop into bed, but decided to put the load of laundry into the dryer... I opened the door to the laundry room and my snowboots nearly killed me. I stepped down, my foot landing awkwardly onto the base of one of them and lurched forward but thankfully was able to catch myself and not hit the door or floor with my head, nor twist my ankle. I can't even use the excuse that the lights were off... I knew the boots were there, I saw them. I think they had been sitting there planning this attack all evening.

Well that's it for tonight... I'm sleepy now... G'nite... or should I say G'mornin.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Speaking of Happiness...


YouTubeLink. (Views 165,817)

Curtsy to T1G for this.

Happiness is...

... an inconstant, mutable, fleeting state...

A long john (rectangular shaped doughnut), sliced in half, slathered in chocolate glaze, and filled with real whipped cream and cherry pie filling.

Listening to music that lifts the spirit and makes you feel alive.

Tears streaming down your face when your eyes are dry and tired.

Making someone smile and/or laugh.

Missing something that isn't dead.

Listening attentively to a friend's problems with an open mind and ear, then walking home to an empty house.

Having someone in your life with whom there is a mutual exchange of smiles and laughter.


Fuzzy booties, a warm fluffy fleece robe against bare skin, and a steaming hot cup of mocha with whipped cream on top.

Looking out the window at 1 in the morning (on a Friday night) and seeing snow falling.

Waking up in the morning and being able to and/or wanting to get out of bed.

... wherever and whenever you can find it.

Friday, January 13, 2012

IF


"Unwashed and lonely - don't let your future become this. Only you hold the key to getting yourself out of your personal gutter. If you feel happy today, try to create something that reflects that happiness."   (From Laughsend)

Funny considering that I was actually thinking of doing a blogpost today called "Happiness is...."


Issues..


Still having some issues with sleep, but it isn't as bad as last year. I did actually close my eyes around 8:30pm and fell asleep for about an hour... sitting up. Very odd. I did try to go to sleep again, but as often happens, when I am supposed to sleep, I seem to perk up as soon as the lights are off and my head hits the pillow. Oh well...

Something is wrong

in the universe...  This one is really screwed up... although some of the questions didn't have a response even remotely close. What the heck?


You Are "Kiss"




You are a complete and total flirt. You're shameless, really!

You're both attractive and confident. And you're going to work whatever you've got.

Besides being quite frisky, you're also known for being friendly. You truly love your friends.

You're a true delight to be around. You are very enchanting.

Um... no....

not quite... 

Haven't done any of those silly quizzes for a while, so I popped over there and picked "What's your motivational phrase?" This just might be the worst and completely inaccurate "result" yet. It made me laugh though.


You Are "Carpe Diem"





You are very open to the world. You try to say yes to as many opportunities as possible.

You are a pleasure seeker. You're a bit of a hedonist, and you enjoy the finer things in life.

You are easily distracted. There's so much going on in the world, and you think focus is overrated.

You are energetic and lively. You stay high-energy throughout the day.

(Although I admit that I know it is what I "should" do.)

T man the psycho cat...

Do you think I'll ever grow into these ears?





Mom's last cat... left home when she was gone... I can't remember if it was when she was in the hospital or after she died. He never came back. (He did end up growing into his ears though. I have other photos from when he was full grown, I'm just not sure where they are.)

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Wondering...

(My cat sitting on a bedroom windowsill at the old house.)

What was he looking at?

Continuous fits of the giggles?


So... I HAD turned the lights off and was trying to sleep, but kept getting distracted and interrupted by my malfunctioning brain. Freaking out about the future ... again. That closed door, concrete wall, no path, non-existent future. So, trying to kill time, or race the darkness to dawn, I was thinking that maybe I should just NOT sleep at all tonight... today... since I can't seem to anyways.

So, reading some horoscopes just now (yeah, I do it for fun... and sometimes a giggle), I found this one:

"The day's planetary energy may restore your sense of humor, and even reduce you to continuous fits of the giggles. If your partner is at all sensitive, then you just may need to curb your outbreaks a little if you can. It seems that anything and everything ends up making you laugh, which will clear the air on one level, but could create extra tension on another."

This is where the "continuous fits of the giggles" come in. Seriously? I would have to say the only way that would be possible is if I don't go to sleep tonight... er... this morning.

Oh... and right now? I'm dreaming of a Sausage and Egg McMuffin, Hashbrown and Orange Juice. Or.. maybe a Bacon and Egg McMuffin? Or ... Hotcakes and Sausage? with the cute little package of syrup... Arghhhh....

A sweet study...


When we were kids, there were Ding Dongs and Wagon Wheels, and later on... Viva Puffs. Nowadays, Ding Dongs are known as King Dongs or King Dons, but I will refer to them as Ding Dongs. There are also Chocolate Swiss Rolls and Jos Louis. What do these treats all have in common? Stuff inside a chocolate coating. Wagon Wheels and Viva Puffs  contain a marshmallow filling with a cookie-ish base, and both now come with extra flavour added in the form of raspberry or strawberry jelly inside as well. Of these two, Viva Puffs are the clear winner. The chocolate tastes like chocolate and the  marshmallow is marshmallow-y. More flavour, more texture. You bite into it and get a sensation, other than the plain, flat Wagon Wheels, which, by the way, are now considerably smaller than way back when.

Ding Dongs, Swiss Rolls and Jos Louis are all chocolate cake with a cream-ish filling and chocolate coating. I did a taste test of these last week, but hadn't quite figured out what I wanted to say. Of these, Jos Louis are at the top, Ding Dongs a distant second and Swiss Rolls at the bottom. The Swiss Rolls come in a small package of two, easy to eat, but rather lacking in taste for some reason. The cake was an almost pale brown colour, the cream filling too sweet, almost like what I recall inside a Twinkie, but this might be because there is a higher ratio of filling to cake. The Ding Dong was a little better in the taste department... and being about the shape and size of a hockey puck, you get more in a bite... size and flavour. The cake part was more chocolatey looking and tasting, as was the coating. The cream filling seemed a nicer texture than the Swiss Rolls for some reason. Basically, just more to sink your teeth into. As for the Jos Louis... I have written about them before... The cake is more like a red velvet chocolate cake... the texture is almost fluffy, and the cream filling actually doesn't taste as sweet as the others, but probably because it is offset by the chocolatey goodness of the cake part. Even the chocolate coating seems a higher quality. The interesting thing is that these three treats are all made by the same company. (Correction: As I was agoogling, I found out that Ding Dongs are a Hostess product, the same company that makes Twinkies.)

So the winners are Viva Puffs and Jos Louis. Of the two... it is hard to say, as they are for all intents and purposes, both very good, but for completely different reasons. If you close your eyes and go with the texture of that first bite, Viva Puffs are it...  For flavour and overall satisfaction I would have to go with the Jos Louis.  However, I may have to conduct further tests.

Oh... and not included in this particular outing, there is also a super sweet treat called a Passion Flakie... Not chocolate, but if in need of a sugar rush? I haven't had one in ages. Oh... and I just remembered Sno Balls too...

Argh... not really a good time of day to have written this...

Degradation...

... of my mental synapses. This is the thought that launched itself into my brain today. Considering my thought patterns lately, or shall I say... lack thereof, it is rather interesting that this came to mind. Of course, immediately afterwards I thought... where the heck did that come from? So I decided to delve a bit further.

Synapses:
n. The junction across which a nerve impulse passes from an axon terminal to a neuron, muscle cell, or gland cell.

or.
n. The point at which a nervous impulse passes from one neuron to another.

So... then... I had a "light-bulb" moment. A double-jointed one at that. If you look at the inner workings of an incandescent light-bulb, you will see the thin wires in the centre, across which the electrical current travels. When the light bulb burns out, I have no idea what exactly happens, just that the electrical current can no longer travel that same path. You know the bulb is broken because when you shake it, you can hear something...  shaking. Doesn't quite work the same way for the human body, although my head does hurt when you shake it... sometimes. You just can't hear anything moving around.

So, these thoughts brought to mind that old bit from way back in school about lights being connected in series or parallel. I had to go agoogling as I couldn't remember which was which. If my brain is a continuous line of Christmas Light strings, I have to wonder did one of the bulbs go out and all the rest go out with it, or did one go out and the rest are all working overtime? I wonder if my light bulbs are dying or if the wiring is simply out of alignment. Is it the degradation of my mental synapses or simply that the power has been rerouted to other circuitry in my brain?

I am not sure if any of that makes sense. Well... it does to me ... at 3:30 in the morning.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Closing walls and ticking clocks...


So that song I posted, "A Beautiful Day" by U2, brought to mind a song by Coldplay, that when I first heard it maybe seven or eight years ago, reminded me of that same U2 tune. For the life of me, I could not remember what the name of that bloody song was. I went madly agoogling and still couldn't find the one I was thinking of. I knew it was tied to a movie, which I thought was perhaps Finding Neverland or Hook... but nothing...  Then, in my journey, I found another beautiful song (which I posted earlier), then finally found the one I was looking for. And, yes, it was from a Peter Pan movie, as I had surmised.



Under normal circumstances this video might be just a tad boring, however, as it stands right now, it reminds me of our roadtrips, therefore it isn't. 

Oh, and here's another version of the song I wasn't looking for. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

On being broken...


Never heard this song before today, was looking for something else. I guess my eyes needed lubricating again.

It's a...


The other day, this song by U2 came to mind, and I was thinking that I couldn't just post it on its own, there would have to be another reason wouldn't there? The funny thing is that I had these two pictures (taken sometime in the 90s) in mind to post last night, but had no idea for a title or words to accompany them. Well... after not getting to sleep until after 6 this morning, it was a wonderful thing to wake up and see that the sun had actually come out today, and I was thinking it would be a good day to go for a walk, because it is after all:

An Epiphany...

Ah... yes... almost 5 in the freaking morning... stomach gurgling in protest at something... but at least not milk or milk product this time. And... I am not tired. My eyes aren't even tired for some strange reason. Hmm... well, it could be because I just had an epiphany of sorts. A few hours ago, when surfing through my "favourite" blogs and sites, I accidentally hit the wrong one... It was a link that I had saved to the works of an Irish poet that I had discovered only last year, or the year before. I had read a few of his poems and had posted a couple on the blog, but for some reason, I just decided to read some more earlier tonight (or last night if you want to be picky). I was once again moved by the "feel" of the poems. I don't know what it is, but some of them seem as though they could have been written by a woman, or at least to me they did. Anyways, I saved a couple of the ones of interest as blogdrafts so that I wouldn't have to fiddle around with any formatted textboxes and other crap, and went about doing other things for a couple hours. I came back to it as there was one poem that I decided to save in Word as well and when I did... that is when it came to me.

This is the poem I was reading and wanted to save:

ALL the morn a spirit gay
Breathes within my heart a rhyme,
’Tis but hide and seek we play
In and out the courts of time.

Fairy lover, when my feet
Through the tangled woodland go,
’Tis thy sunny fingers fleet
Fleck the fire dews to and fro.

In the moonlight grows a smile
Mid its rays of dusty pearl—
’Tis but hide and seek the while,
As some frolic boy and girl.

When I fade into the deep
Some mysterious radiance showers
From the jewel-heart of sleep
Through the veil of darkened hours.

Where the ring of twilight gleams
Round the sanctuary wrought,
Whispers haunt me—in my dreams
We are one yet know it not.

Some for beauty follow long
Flying traces; some there be
Seek thee only for a song:
I to lose myself in thee.

I was then about to save the poem under its title, "Alter Ego" by... and the initials that he penned under... "AE". His name is George William Russell, born 1867, died 1935. I have no clue whatsoever how much of a mystery the "AE" was, although I did read something regarding a printer or publisher's mistype of AEon, but I just did a double-take, and a "doh". Could it be that simple? A.E. = Alter Ego?

Argh... I should be sleeping...  it is now after 5:30... egads! Tomorrow, or later today rather, this may just seem the ramblings of a sleep-deprived insane person with a rumbling tummy.

Monday, January 9, 2012

The rock heart or the leaf...


It is interesting what the eye is drawn to in pictures, when taking them and in viewing them. Even though I might not remember where exactly I was at the river when I happened to look down and see a heart-shaped rock surrounded by ice, I do know that I was immediately struck by having found such a thing in such a wide expanse of... rocks. I know it was and is the focal point of the photograph, but now though, after having looked at it several times, I notice the leaf to the left. I wonder about how it came to be there, most of it out of the water, but enough in it to have been partially frozen in place. It was blown there by the wind, but lingered a little too long and became damp enough to remain and not be picked up with the next gust. It remained there just long enough to be frozen in time.

My mind wanders, and I wonder... am I the leaf or the rock?

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Disoriented...

I guess it has been a little too long since I've stood in the middle of that part of the river. For a moment I couldn't place the mountain. How could I forget a mountain?

Little did I know...


As I have mentioned prior, I had been scanning in old photos, probably from somewhere between 10 to 15 years ago. When I was reviewing the images the first time and saw this one, I knew what it would be perfect for, but there was no way that I was going to feel like "that". Little did I know...

(The pic is slightly overexposed and I was going to "fix" it, but then it dawned on me that the too much whiteness was the right tone for this. If only her tongue had been sticking out just a little more.)

Little Evil Mini-me: Soothing...


You know the cartoons we used to watch as kids, when a character got sea sick, they would paint the face the colour of split pea soup? Well, that's kinda like how I felt tonight. The funny thing is ... that is what I actually ate for dinner. These episodes usually don't last very long, maybe just a couple hours, and for the most part I can just ignore them. But lately, my stomach has been in knots as well, and everything internally just seems dull and achy, but in a detached sort of way. It is rather hard to explain. I know I'm not sick, I just feel sick... and "off". As I sat down to write this, I put on some music... to provide comfort... a soothing influence. I feel a little better now. I just needed this.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Bad milk and dreams...


Wasn't feeling well late yesterday. Had gone to McDonalds and thoroughly enjoyed a Kid's Hamburger Happy Meal. Even with lettuce for an extra $0.15 and tomato for an extra $0.25, the whole thing came to $4.92 including the tax (12%). Only problem was... I went with milk as the beverage. I don't know why I do this to myself. Needless to say... shortly thereafter, there was gurgling involved and my stomach was voicing its disapproval.

Anyways, nothing to do with that milk yesterday, but today was just not right... Body was overheating...  and there were dreams... weird dreams.  I only remember two. The first one was brief to say the least. It was one of those "not quite sleeping" dreams. I was lying in bed dreaming that I was lying in bed... and then... a feeling of immense... not danger... panic. So in my half awake state, there was some sort of commotion and it felt as though someone was breaking into the house. But... then ... then... I heard a little kid, a boy cry out "Daddy!" and then there was a scream... either a young girl or a woman... not sure. And ... I woke up...


... in time...



Friday, January 6, 2012

Stormy weather...



Lady sings the blues (like no other).

A cheap date...

Item #1

Item #2


Item #3



Hmm...  so I opened a bottle of sparkling Italian wine on New Years Eve. I've had the bottle for a few years, just sitting in the kitchen. I poured some just before the stroke of midnight and as I was sitting down, before I drank any of it, some splooshed out of the glass and onto my arm and/or hand. So... I ended up drinking one half of a flute. I have not yet finished the bottle and soon it will begin to lose some of its effervescence. Now... it is not the cheapest bottle of sparkling wine or champagne that you can buy, but it is less than $20, so to my tastes, it is the best choice out there for someone who likes things more on the sweet side. This then got me to thinking about a cheap date, not just considering my penchant for items off of McDonald's Value Pick menu.

So far, I have had this beverage blissfully on its own as well as conjoined with Ocean Spray Cranberry Cocktail. One evening I had a party for one with one glass as well as two slices of marble cheese with ritz crackers. It was absolutely delicious.

Cheap Date? Let's calculate:

Il Moscato $18.00. Portion per date $3.00 or more depending...

Kraft Marble Cheese $8.00. Portion per date, less than $1.00.

Ritz Crackers $2.50 on sale. Portion per date, less than $0.50.


Actually doing the math right now, it would appear that this is about on par with a Value Meal from McDonalds.

(Update: The bottle is now empty.)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

All the things I wasn't...


I had gone upstairs to look for the photos that I had stored up there... somewhere... No luck with that. One thing I realized though, is that I have a lot of ... luggage... I was going to say "baggage" just to be funny, but decided not to. It is rather odd, if you think about it, considering that I only went on two vacations in twenty two years of working at my old job. I guess maybe I thought I might go somewhere else at some point. Never did. Anyways, in my quest up there, I came across another box of "getting rid of" CDs and VHS tapes, as well as another bag of sci-fi/fantasy books, and

and

I brought a couple things down with me, including a CD by a B.C. band called "The Grapes of Wrath", and one by Stevie Ray Vaughan. (Other than a couple Hendrix covers he did, this was the only song that I recalled.) Anyways, took a listen to both and went looking for some links. As far as I can tell this band had one hit song, which is the only one I can remember. Great song... pretty good video too. Once again, another song coming back into my life that seems to suit me well right now.


YouTubeLink.

A little wet...




I have been scanning in more pictures from over a decade ago and when I went into the folder to take a look at the saved images, I noticed that one of them had somehow managed to be scanned in black and white instead of the original colour.  I know I didn't hit any special button to do that, but upon review, I think I like it better this way.

We had some high water last year, but it was nothing like this. Can't remember the year though and there is no date with the photos. The edge of the river is to the right of the trees on the right hand side. This bench is situate in the treed area to the right as well. The water is usually several feet below the level of the street, and often the river bed is 1/4 or more dry. A few of the photos I have been posting at the top of the page were taken whilst I was standing in the middle of this same riverbed.

I have become...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

New Life


YouTubeLink. (Views 301)

The article that caught my eye initially.

Oh... and speaking of learning to walk the other day, get a load of this, which I came across a few months ago but had no clue how to work it into the blog. (Views 4,994,494)


Smile or cry?


YouTubeLink.

An oasis?

A stagnant pond...


When I was much younger and used to feel lost, I realize now that it was because I simply did not know my way. Tonight, I feel not as though I have lost my way, but that I have lost my place in this world. I no longer know who I am. Where thoughts and ideas used to roam free, there is now nothing but a stagnant pond. Perhaps this has come about because I allowed myself to go so far outside my defined boundaries. This I will never know. Funny though that as I am sitting here typing this, feeling cold and lost and weepy, I hear the lines of a song... "Learning to walk again"... "Where do I begin"...

I think I struggle not just because I do not know who I am, but that it is no longer in my realm to find the me who I was.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A casualty...


I was bringing them down one by one. I was being careful. But something didn't feel right on this one. My fingers were on it, ready... there was a barely audible click... I closed my eyes... one one thousand... two one thousand... and bam...


I don't know why I closed my eyes... I've never done that before. Hoping that maybe it wouldn't smash when it hit the floor? Or... just waiting for the inevitable... the crashing to the floor itself. The next thing I thought was "I wonder which one it was.". I gingerly picked it up and flipped it over to find... it was...


A little while later I was walking upstairs to put Christmas in storage and ... bam... No... I didn't fall...  There was an overwhelming sense of sadness and ...  tears. WTH? I guess the ornament isn't the only thing that's irreparably broken. 

A beautiful thing...


May the sun bring you new energy by day,

May the moon softly restore you by night,

May the rain wash away your worries,

May the breeze blow new strength into your being.

May you walk through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life.

-- an Apache Blessing

You know, sometimes you find beautiful things in the strangest places. This was on a fridge magnet in a bookstore.

Monday, January 2, 2012

This doesn't bode well...


or maybe it does... I am not sure yet. Bones picked clean... starting with a fresh palate... or perhaps a year of firsts?

I just realized that I spent the first two days of this new year without seeing a living soul.

I was just thinking that for the first time ever, as far as I can recall, I wore sweatpants on New Year's Day.

It then dawned on me that for the first time ever, other than if I had previously done so whilst ill, I wore the same clothes for two days in a row... and slept in them.

This may have been the first New Year that I did NOT have shrimp dip... (I made it for Christmas.)

(Interlude:
Ah... a knocking on the door... Food delivery, so now technically, I didn't spend the first two days of the new year without seeing a living soul.)

Definitely the first time I have received the gift of chocolate ... with a bite taken out of it. (It was excellent though... a key lime truffle.)

For the first time in my life, this winter I find myself needing to wear a robe on TOP of my clothes, with wool socks AND slippers... just to keep moderately lukewarm IN the house. 

The first time in my life that I have felt truly small, and felt like curling up into a little ball, wrapping myself in a blanket and making myself smaller.

The first year... ever... that I have started out having absolutely no clue whatsoever what to do with this life.

Sounds great so far eh?

Hmm... I was just thinking... How is it that everything can be up in the air... but feel like six feet under? But heck... if I can laugh about it ... or I can make someone else smile? It's all good.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Missing...

I don't know... something... mom's homemade Chicken Gumbo Soup. Maybe even my own version of French Onion Soup, with cheese broiled to a crisp golden hue on top. (But dammit, the oven is still kaput.) Or that old standby, Lipton's Chicken Noodle Soup, but ... without the noodles.... just the hot steamy broth. Sigh... A hot savoury liquid to warm the gullet. My hands are cold... I'm cold.... and I'm hungry... but it is soon to be midnight. Split Pea and Ham.... Cream of Potato and Bacon... Goulash...  Borscht...  even a can of Puritan Beef Stew would do. Arggghhhhhh..... Chunky Chicken Vegetable... Pizza Soup...  Campbell's Tomato Soup made up with milk instead of water. Heavy sigh...

Little Evil Mini-me: Happy New Year...



Seriously... that was in my fortune cookie today after going out for Chinese earlier this evening. I find this completely comical considering that, as I have said before... I can see no future... There is no road before me. I still have no freaking clue what I am going to do.

Want a New Year's resolution? This sounds suitable to me:


Happy New Year!